Predator - The Devil's Price
by FinalRemuneration
Summary: It had been a game he was sure to win... but something went very wrong. Now faced with his greatest fear, Izaya needs to make a decision; to walk the path straight back to Hell, or to fight his way out his destined fate. He escapes the clutches of the underworld once, but no one can really cheat Death or the Devil without a price; a price that will either make him or break him.
1. Chapter One

**Predator – The Devils Price.**

**Rating: M.**

**Summary:** _Izaya played games all of his life__ – __games that eventually lead to his demise. He finds out the hard way that in the under world, he would be on the receiving end of these plots. Celty temporarily saves him from his guaranteed eternity in Hell, but when he returns to the realm __of the __living, he can't help but feel that some changes are necessary. Can he change the course his life is taking after all? Not only that, but the price for escaping the clutches of the dead is five fears- along with a gift from the Devil himself._

**Disclaimers: All original characters, story plots, and personalities go to Ryohgo Narita's, "_Durarara!" _from 2004. I own nothing except for the insane plot line I have created.**

**Warnings: Izaya. Violence. Blood. Death. Implied non-con. Satanic meetings. Slight depression. Gang association. Future self-harm.**

**And some Fluff. Cause I am not as evil as everyone thinks I am. :)**

**_A/N:_**_ This story is a rewrite of an old one-shot that had __a very vague__ plot line. My old plot was quite rough and the story was just kind of slapped together, so I decided to rewrite it with the addition of some plot points that won't leave me alone. __So what I am trying to say is, _**_this story now has a thought-through plot. Yes. This is true insanity._**

_With the announcement of Season 2, I am glad I decided to rewrite this!_

_**Just a heads up.** While this story is intensely dark, it will also be incredibly light in some spots to make up for that, because we can't angst all the time, right? So my light hearted readers, do not fret!_

_Enjoy. ^_^_

* * *

There were two other things I loved equally to observing my precious humans; the thrill of the hunt and the ecstasy of being hunted down.

I stealthily skipped through the wet streets of Ikebukuro, secretly enjoying humanity as it responded to weather. The sky was an angry shade of grey as it growled and drenched the city below it. Flashes lit up the clouds with brilliant light as they powerfully ground against each other, letting out a deafening roar as they fought for space. The rain was hard and fast, forcing the molecules that were touched by my chuckling breath to turn white before they were scattered away in the wind. My hood was pulled up to shield off the incoming assailants as they fell from the sky. The thick, auburn fur that rimmed my long coat was drenched, yet it stubbornly managed to keep my face somewhat dry as the jackets length billowed behind what I liked to call a graceful prance. I thought I looked divine in the weather, and I thoroughly enjoyed the fact that even in a downpour, I could appear so graceful and surreal.

I let out a full-bodied laugh as I began to slow my pace, walking normally. My breathing had oddly become slightly shallow from the exertion. There were a few people who were rushing past me, desperate to find shelter from the raging storm. A woman shrieked across the street as her umbrella threatened to fly away in the wind. She had on a dark, thick cloth jacket that fell down to her knees. It, along with her hair and skin, were soaked. Her face was painted with worry and horror, like the rain was acid that would eat her away if her flesh was exposed for too long.

It had been raining all day; any smart human would be in a rain coat – not including me, of course. I snickered as I skipped by, shaking my head in disapproval at the stupidity of some of my humans. Oh, how I loved days like these. I was also making sure to keep to the sides of the street, lest I run into some unwelcome company. Aside from the frantic stragglers, the town was practically empty; no one wanted to be caught in the nasty weather, myself included.

_Ahhh. __I forgot that__ Shiki-san can be such a pain sometimes. _The wind suddenly stirred violently as I rounded another corner and it whipped against my face, forcing my eyes to almost close. I smiled into the assault, loving how the chill burned at my skin. I loved nature; the way it changed my dear people into finicky and righteous beings, like they were delicate creatures who couldn't stand against, and didn't deserve, such an attack from nature. It genuinely entertained me, but as much as I loved them and wanted to stay and observe, I had things to do. People to meet. Work to get done. My pressing schedule had become even more tight over the past few hours and as much as I would have liked to stay and meddle with the few humans present; I needed to get back to Shinjuku. Somewhere along the way, I had also lost my fare for the train. _This will be quite the walk, __it almost feels normal again__._

Not letting it get me down, I grinned as I turned around another corner, walking briskly past an empty Russia Sushi. My pace instinctively quickened. My heart rate accelerated as I speedily slipped past and a dark, quiet giggle practically erupted from my throat. Normally, I would have loved it if I ran into Shizu-chan; that would usually be a treat. But it had been well over eleven months since I had stepped foot into Ikebukuro, and I didn't exactly want my presence to be noticed. I had no _time_ and as much as I hated to admit it, no _energy _to mess with Shizu-chan. I had started one too many gang wars, and it was taking everything I had to keep up with their new found rivalries. The work – work that hopefully would never return to bite me in the ass – and labour was difficult to maintain, but I was cunning and quick, I was more than sure I could do it. It was too big to screw up. I had recently returned from my underground adventure after some... _complications_; details I didn't need to get into. Long story short, a lot of people were mad that I used them as pawns, and I found myself checking over my shoulder every couple of minutes due to my newest paranoia. I was playing above and below ground now. Only certain people knew of my return to Shinjuku, while others would find out in due time. The word 'mess' could be loosely used to describe my situation.

Despite everything, I was mostly just trying to convince myself that I didn't majorly screw up.

An irritated sigh left me as I took in a deep breath. Work aside, there was no guarantee that the debt collector was roaming the streets anyway, and that fact was slightly unsettling. It was both storming and just after midnight. The blonde was more than likely at his home, sound asleep in his warm, dry bed, dreaming of more pleasant things than myself. Hell, as far as he was concerned, I was long gone and not returning.

I wanted to keep it that way.

Regardless, I needed to pass through Ikebukuro if I wanted to make it home myself. Shiki always felt this need to meet me as far away from Shinjuku as possible; it was already getting on my nerves again. He knew my relationship with Shizu-chan, and yet he continued to drag me to the other side of Ikebukuro just to meet up with him. He also waited a month after I told him I was returning to call for a personal appointment with me. The sudden urgency and the contents of our simple conversation was eating at the back of my mind._ "I want you to make a personal delivery..."_ he had said. _There's something off about this.._. I would have to look into it later. I really couldn't afford any distractions until I was done playing with what I had started. I also didn't want to run into Shizu-chan, so the delivery needed to be made _now_; there was just too much to do.

I huffed out a breath from my irritating thoughts, intently watching the white puff of air get shattered and hurriedly blown away by the wind. I just had to stop and drop off this _package_ on my way home – my _favourite_ and _greatly missed _home, might I add – and then I was free to continue playing out my flaming war. I patted the bulge that the duffel bag made from underneath my jacket. It was slung across my shoulders like a messenger bag for it was relatively heavy after all. I couldn't imagine what was in it though. Shiki was normally direct and informative when he gave me jobs like this, but this time, he hadn't given me any clues. _"__Just take it, and deliver it."_ was what he had said. Also, he knew my carrying capacity was a little bit lower than the average humans', not that I openly admitted that or anything, so the fact that he had given me such a heavy chore to do in the first place was rather irritating. _I wonder what it is..._ It was one of those black sports bags, large, awkward, and heavy. Rectangular in shape but it was full. Judging from the way it was bouncing off of my leg, it's contents were not solid objects, and that was what had me slightly worried. I wasn't one for transporting body parts.

My walk had slowed down and I was feeling the first wave of fatigue and strain from carrying it. I was clearly getting a little bit out of shape. But alas, I needed to press onward. _Oh Shizu-chan. W__hat should I do when I have the time to play again? I need my exercise, after all._

Plots began to form and stabilize in my mind as I purposely splashed through a puddle or two. I loved how Shizuo could always distract me. Perhaps my one weakness, if you will. I could lead the blonde to play yet another game of cat and mouse; have the blonde chase me and rip up the city as he went, screaming my ever so lovely name, never quite grasping the fur of my hood as I fled in hysterical laughter. It was the game we always played, and the thought of it was enough to shove Shiki-san and his weird job request out of my mind. I found it both ironic and peculiar that the beast of Ikebukuro could ease my stress.

It wasn't much of a game of cat and mouse though, more like a hyena verse a lion. The hyena would stealthily seek the lion, and then coax it into a game of chase in a sly, playful manner. The lion would give in to the taunt, using its brute force and anger to try and hunt the hyena down, even if it meant chasing the laughing creature to the pits of hell.

My chuckle echoed through the empty street as I, the deemed hyena, slunk into the nearest alley, sheltering myself momentarily from the assaulting rain. I knew the back roads better than the streets due to my frequent 'travels', and it would be quicker for me to take the alley ways. As much as I loved the way my humans responded to rain, I did have a pressing schedule planned for the morning, as I already mentioned. It would probably take me a while to get back to Shinjuku with this ever so heavy monstrosity at my side, and the delivery itself might not be the smoothest. Normally, I would call up Celty to make the delivery, but it was in Shinjuku and I was on my way back anyway, and the recipient was a member of the Awakusu, one of my conflicting gangs to top it all off.

So. I couldn't really pass the job off.

And that was the part of the ordeal that had me puzzled. Shiki got _me, _of all people, to make a personal delivery to his rival. Almost nine months back, I had 'accidentally' leaked some information about a cop joining the Awakusu ranks. The info was a hoax, just mere words to stir up some trouble for the time being while I was still gathering my pawns to place them under my control. I was mostly poking at a particular man who didn't like the recruiting system, and just as I had planned, he became incredibly vocal about his thoughts. The fear of a cop amongst them became too much, and I had successfully diverged the group into almost even halves. Shiki let the man run off with a hand full of men – all men who were too fearful to believe in Shiki's confidence that the rumour was false. Shiki, as I had known, had over looked the rumour and let the men flee. He deemed it a testing period, and claimed that he didn't need people like them, and if they were smart enough to realize their stupidity then they would go back to him with their tails between their legs.

His words, not mine.

I was more than tempted to look in the bag, but Shiki had picked me for the delivery simply because he trusted me and could pay me not to look.

So look, I shall not. Thoughts aside, I predicted getting home around three in the morning, and my first meeting of the day was at six. A few clients had been transferred to the morning so I could meet with Shiki-san at his own hideout, and speaking from experience, I doubted there would be time for me to sleep in between. Namie would be more than furious if she had to reschedule my pre-scheduled schedule again.

I laughed at the mere thought. That secretary of mine was going to poison me one day.

I slipped myself deeper into the alley, blinking away the rain as it viciously dropped onto my face. The streaks that were left behind chilled my skin and sent a shiver down my spine. In the event that Shizu-chan did appear, the game of cat and mouse would more than likely resume despite the weather. I shuddered at the exciting thought. _We need to try something new…_ The game needed to evolve before both members became bored. After all, a lion wouldn't chase uncatchable prey forever.

_But a stubborn brute with hatred will __hunt __me forever._ I assumed that Shizu-chan would never get bored of the game, even if it became predictable. Though, the blonde was predictably unpredictable. _I__t has been almost a year since I saw him last... actually, I think this is the longest I have gone without bothering him. I wonder if he is more stressed now that he doesn't have me to release his anger on?__ I chuckled as I slipped into the __furthest __depths of the alley. It was dark and I had a finger lightly tracing the dirty, __wet__ wall just to make sure I didn't walk into anything. One of the streetlights flickered, __lightly illuminating my dim surroundings__. An ominous feeling settled into my stomach __as peculiar shadows danced around me__. ____Or maybe he is much calmer and relaxed now, knowing that I am not causing trouble in 'Bukuro still. ____Hmmm.. I wonder, but I have no time to find out today..._

I abruptly stopped, my long coat catching up to my body and shrouding my lower half. The black fabric swirled around my legs as I stood still, my eyes transfixed on the dark gravel in the alley. It was hard to see in the dimness; was that a garbage container up ahead? My trademark smirk remained in place, though my crimson eyes narrowed slightly. I dropped my hand from the wall and let it curl into a light fist at my hip.

The rain dropped heavily to the ground still, and it dripped off of nearby buildings, the lone drops splashing into puddles. The rain itself sounded like white noise and it muddled everything else around me, along with the growls from the clouds as they shifted above yet again. I ignored the fact that the fabric of my jacket was drenched. It was weighing me down, along with the sports bag. Rain water ran down the center of the alley like a miniature river and the gravel looked slick and unsafe. The air around me smelled musty and damp. Something near by was giving off an awful stench and I scrunched my nose up in disgust. The wind was screaming at me to run, but the chill it brought kept me frozen to where I stood.

There were so many noises. With focused effort, I listened carefully past the white noise, the dripping of the rain. Past the sloshing water as it snaked and sputtered around my feet. Past the growling skies and the screaming of the wind. My heart beat was throbbing in my ears and I could feel the blood rushing through my body and into my muscles. They involuntarily tensed, preparing me to flee.

_Crunch._

I suddenly became more conscious of my surroundings. The walls were more narrow than I had first noticed and the alley was suddenly longer than I would have liked it to be. I could feel eyes on the back of my hood as the bore into me with unrestrained rage. My blood grew hot and my heart began to pound against my chest with unease. I tensed and readied myself.

Yes. Shizu-chan was completely unpredictable.


	2. Chapter Two

"Shizu-…"

There was a muffled growl. The gravel softly crunched beneath a shoe as a body stepped closer -closer than I originally assumed. I crouched, readying to spring forward and out of harms way. Even though I had spent so much time fantasizing about it, I didn't have time to play, let alone get hurt. So I moved to evade the unseen attack, but before I could do so, firm hands slammed down on to my shoulders and my body was effortlessly shoved into the nearby brick wall.

My face collided painfully with the bricks. A gasp escaped my mouth as the cartilage in my nose cracked, shooting warm pain up into my forehead and my eyes. I squeezed my eyes shut with the impact, my forehead resting against the cold surface as I took in a ragged breath. I slumped into the wall and rested my chest against it for some form of stability. _That really hurt.._. I could feel warm blood running down the front of my face and it instantly chilled against the night air. My face scrunched up in discomfort. _This is really inconvenient..._ Despite my inner curses, my smile easily returned to my lips.

"Ah, Shizu-chan! Good to see that you are in a good mood tonight!" I teased. My fingers found their place along the wall, bracing myself. I couldn't see Shizu-chan and I couldn't even struggle really. He was behind me, thank god he wasn't on me, but I could hear him panting. _This is how all of Erika's yaoi fanfics start..._ I wiggled, but his grip was solid and absolute. I would not be leaving unless he wanted me to. The hands on my shoulders curled in agitation and he leaned into me, pushing my smaller body flat against the wall. Only his hands were on me and I was once again thankful for that fact. I had a bit of an issue with body space, but of course I wouldn't let that fact show. His breathing was heavy and ragged, and it sounded a bit further like he had me at arms length. Was it possible that he was more enraged than normal? Was that even possible? Sweet adrenaline poured through my being like fire. The hairs on my body stood up as a chill rippled down through my stomach. _Something isn't normal._ The hood was pulled back violently from my head and I lightly gasped as my injured nose painfully greeted the chilled air. Fresh rain pounded into my dry hair, soaking me almost instantly. It trickled down my neck and into the depths of my warm shirt. I shuddered. He was quiet a bit too long and I could feel in the way his fingers trembled that he was fighting for control over his inhuman strength.

"Good mood?" Shizuo Heiwajima shifted, his chest falling against my back so he could snarl in to my ear. His body pushed me into the wall and I tensed. He was on me, and I didn't like that. My heart quickened with the threat of panic. His voice was deep and raspy, and just like his hands, it trembled with contained rage. I could smell the second hand smoke from his breath as it blew in white clouds against my jaw. _He must have been mid-smoke when he caught sight of me._ A low, predatory growled escaped his throat and I inwardly cringed. He stopped talking. He was too close for comfort and he had me trapped in a vulnerable position against the wall. I remained silent longer than usual.

And then I couldn't help but giggle innocently. "Yes, you're in a good mood. How fortunate for me, I just came to say hii~."

Shizuo dug his fingers into my shoulders to almost the breaking point before stepping back and violently twisting my body and slamming my back against the wall. His hands replaced themselves at my shoulders to restrain me. I instantly grinned widely, my hands snaking their way into my pockets. I leaned my head back and stared Shizuo in the eye with a condescending glare. I could only imagine the look on my face paired with the bloody and broken nose. That thought alone brought a larger smile to my lips.

My confidence wavered. Shizuo's nose was twitching along with the corner of his mouth and his eyebrow. His fingers would repetitively clench and unclench at my shoulders, his entire body trembling. His eyes were closed as he let out another growl, glasses put away to the safety of his inner pocket long ago. The debt collector was in his normal attire, clearly unaffected by the terrible weather that raged against us. His golden eyes suddenly flicked open, and they were narrowed at me with pure hatred and disgust. His blonde hair was plastered against his face, his outfit completely soaked through. I could see the pink of his flesh through his white dress shirt, his chest and torso hidden by the black vest. His shoulders were heaving even though our chase hadn't even started – if it even started at all. It wasn't everyday that I, Shinjuku's best informant, got caught by the beast of Ikebukuro.

_Wet clothing can aid in restricted movement. __My_ stealthy, shaking, fingers clasped around their prize in my pockets. I stroked the switchblade comfortingly, my eyes never breaking contact with the angry debt collector. A chill, from the cold and _not_ from fear, ran down my spine. He seemed more agitated than normal – not that I hadn't already decided that. I was tempted to taunt him, but I couldn't bring myself to speak. There was just something about the way he looked at me, the way his lips pulled back into an animalistic snarl, the way he shook with his uncontrolled temper, something seemed incredibly off and it threatened me. There were heavy, dark bags under his eyes, and perhaps his clothes were a little more loose than the last time I had seen him. _Did I miss something important?_

Shizuo snarled, his lips and nose pulling back. He was practically on top of me, ready to break me on a seconds notice. I lightly twisted, finding no space to wiggle at all. _This is bad... _His hand suddenly shot out when I moved, grabbing my right wrist and hauling it from the depths of my jacket, clearly suspicious of concealed knives. My empty hand shook under his grip, the exposed skin soaking almost instantly. Perhaps with the slickness of the rain I could free my trapped shoulder.

I chuckled, my mouth forming a cheeky smile that was one-hundred percent fake. "Tricked you!" My voice cracked lightly and died in the wind as I whipped out my left hand, perfectly slashing the blade upward at the blonde. The stroke tore across the black vest, slicing through the fabric and his skin easily. The end of my blade caught his cheek as I flicked my arm back, pushing against his inhuman strength. He growled and tensed, shifting his body to put a little bit more distance between us. I suddenly twisted, pain shooting down my shoulder as I successfully wiggled myself awkwardly from underneath his death grip, his right arm falling as I slipped away from the brick wall. _Now to free my hand.._. I moved to pull at my trapped limb.

Shizuo's grip inhumanly tightened and another gasp left my mouth as uncomfortable pressure and searing pain exploded through my right wrist.

_Snap._

My blade slipped from my hand while I gasped in a second lungful of air. He clenched his fist over my trapped arm once more, receiving another pained pant from me as he casually guided me back to my forced place against the wall. I fell back, grateful for the support. I was trying to keep my face as nonchalant as I could. He _did_, however, break a bone, and I couldn't keep the tension and concern from showing on my face. My eyebrows creased together and my knees went weak. The turn of the events almost had me feeling sick.

He pinned the damaged limb just above my head. I managed to choke off any weak sound that threatened to spill from my throat. _This... This is __not good at all__..._

Shizuo grinned darkly, blood running down his cheek and into the corner of his mouth. The slash on his cheek was shallow and it was probably already done bleeding. _Too bad._ He grabbed my free wrist and brought it to painfully rest just above my head with my broken one. I didn't resist. "So, the sneaky flea finally makes a mistake and gets caught." Shizuo chuckled abnormally. "And look, you didn't even make a sound when I broke a bone." His bottom lip puckered out into a frown. He looked genuinely unimpressed, but yet somewhat determined. His eye glinted mysteriously, however.

Probably a sadist. That would explain a lot.

I grinned painfully at the thought, against my dying luck. I knew the smile wasn't convincing. I let out a shaky breath, "I guess so. I was too busy enjoying the beautiful weather, and I never expected you to be so _quiet_ Shizu-chan. It's like you were stalking me or something. I didn't think you were capable of following someone undetected." I stopped myself from rambling. My voice was getting weak and his eyebrow twitched once again.

Shizuo sneered. "I was having a smoke when I saw you; behind Russia Sushi. You were having so much fun laughing at yourself, when I realized I could sneak up on you."

"Try," I corrected, my smile still weakly visible, "You thought you could _try_ and sneak up on me. But Shizu-chan, you're such a beast! How did you ever think you would surprise me? I mean, with you're tyrannosaurus size and uncontrollable demonic strength, you shouldn't even be able to walk a step without the whole world hearing you, no?" My heart slammed into my chest. I shivered. My teeth were on the brink of chattering together as my mind ran in circles. I needed to escape and I needed to accept the pain I was feeling. I needed to store everything until I made it home. _I want to go home._ I forced my jaw apart to continue talking, to distract him along with myself, to make him slip up, to make him _let me go._ "I think you could be the next Godzilla, I mean we could always get Shinra to super size you, and then you would be the perfect example of tyrannosaurus destruction while you chase tiny little me around the world. We could call you Shizu-saur!"

The wall beside my face suddenly crumbled. I shut my eyes out of reflex as wind rushed past my cheekbone. Crimson hues pried back open instantly and I blinked, glancing to my left. Shizuo's shaking fist – imbedded in the wall, might I add – had simply grazed past my cheek. I involuntarily cringed.

Shizuo clicked his tongue. "Can you... just shut up... for one second?" His voice started off as a deep growl. It rose in volume until he was shouting with his nose practically mashed into mine. Our foreheads collided and I swallowed hard. My body was shaking and I suddenly felt regretful. Of what, I wasn't sure. I squinted into the uproar, my face defensively turning away and into his still clenched fist. I swallowed thickly.

"I thought you could handle being yelled at." He glanced down from my face and then grinned. A peculiar, soft choking sound echoed from the back of my throat while he flashed his teeth at me. His eyes flicked back up to meet mine. _Can he see my fear? _He suddenly grabbed the front of my jacket with one hand and my shoulder with the other. He used his arms to shove me effortlessly straight to the ground. Shizuo and his freaking lariats. I braced myself with my good hand, my right pressing into my chest as I attempted to twist myself to my side to avoid further injury. I hit the ground hard on my shoulder, gasping, my back facing the wall. He knelt down next to me and he roughly rolled me onto my back by gripping my jacket and jerking my shoulder out from under me, leaving me defenceless a few inches from the building.

"You did a bad job at running today." Shizuo chuckled as he shifted to hover over my chest, squeezing his hand teasingly around my thin neck. "You completely deserve this. You and your affairs have gone too far." His hand clenched as he spoke. I leaned my head back to try and breathe.

I cackled under the grip. Red flags were popping up all over my brain but I couldn't respond to them. I needed air. I needed to escape. "Ah- Shizu-chan, so- unpredictable!" My left hand came up and grabbed on to Shizuo's wrist. My eyebrows creased together and my eyes fluttered closed when he squeezed my neck a bit too tightly. Any more pressure, and it would surely break. I tensed my hand around his wrist, hoping he would understand my silent pleas. This wasn't how the game was played.

I didn't want to die; I was scared to die.

Shizuo, understanding my unspoken beg, loosened his hand to prevent my windpipes from fully collapsing. I took in a sharp, ragged breath. That would surely bruise before the morning. That awkward choke formed in the back of my throat once again as I felt a large hand press down flat on my chest. I grabbed onto his forearms, attempting to stop him. His palm slid over my wet jacket until it found the arm I had cradled to my chest. My injured limb was hulled away from the safety of my body. Teasingly, with his thumb pressing into the joint, he squeezed it, a pained moan coming out as a whisper.

"You're so much more tolerable when you're like this." He grinned at his words but his eyes were focused and narrowed. His hands were still shaking with unexpressed rage. He squeezed my wrist slowly, earning a laboured breath, and then he began to roll the joint, watching with displeasure as my eyes narrowed and my lips pulled back. _This damn monster is just playing! I haven't been back in __almost a year__, why is he so pissed off!_ He seemed satisfied with my silence, so he spoke.

"Here's how this game will work." Shizuo's voice was even and calm despite the shaking of his hands. He lightly held my wrist and neck down, his body weight not quite sitting on my chest. Rain dripped down his face and off the tip of his sleek nose. The drops pounded and stung my cracked bridge as they landed directly on it. Great. I had essentially forgotten about the pounding in my face. It reminded me of it's presence full force. "You will apologize, you will say sorry, and whatever it is that you are doing to cause so much _damned chaos_, you will_ stop it_, and you will listen to me for once in your life_._"

"Apologizing is typically saying sorry," I pointed out a little too casually. I was rewarded with an involuntary flex of the hand around my neck, choking for a precious second. Annoyance flashed across Shizuo's features, and I worried for a moment that he would crush my neck under his death grip. Luckily, he relaxed after a forced sigh.

I recovered from my fear quickly, my eyes still locked with my opponents in a deadly glare. He relaxed his hand just enough that I could take advantage of it and talk, to explain myself – not that I really needed to explain myself to anyone. "I have no reason to apologize or change my working habits for anyone, especially not for _you_. Hell, I haven't _stepped foot_ into your damn territory in almost a year now, so I think, if anyone should be apologizing, it should be you!" My anger and discomfort were getting the best of me. Normally, I wouldn't point fingers so quickly. I didn't like thinking of myself as helpless though, whether I was trapped underneath the strongest man in Tokyo with broken bones or not. "And I will never listen to you! That's not how our relationship works!"

"I-zay-ya-kun..." His tone was dangerous and warning. He snarled, leaning forward to growl at me. His hands clenched around my broken limb and neck, and I tensed. I chuckled out of fear, a false smile splaying across my lips as I leaned my head back to try and breathe once again. _What did I do..._

Shizuo's lips pulled back into a predatory snarl. _And the lion catches his prey,_ I shifted beneath his hands attempting to rid myself from the monsters dirty grasps. Coughing, I swatted at the arm around my neck. Did he really have to strangle me like so? "Izaya-kun, you need -" When he didn't relieve his grip, and when I felt the first wave of dizziness soar up the sides of my neck and into my brain, I shoved my good hand into his face mid-sentence. Fingers curled, I grabbed onto his nose and prodded at his eyes. _The hell is wrong with him anyway? Is he just here to torture me?_

Shizuo quickly let go of my neck in favour of removing my clawing fingers from his facial features. He took the easy route, and another _snap_ quickly echoed throughout the back alley.

"_Ah-"_ I grunted, arching my back as I nosily breathed air into my sore throat. A whimper escaped as I exhaled. My shoulders tensed as I tried to shift away, as I tried to pull my hands away from him. My eyes squeezed shut and I turned my face away, signalling that the meeting was over. I attempted to recompose myself, quickly settling my breath and ignoring the flashing pain, but only one eye would open without tearing, so I went with it. "Is Shizu-chan going to break all my bones? Like a monster?" I tried to grin but it came out more like a silent pained snarl. My voice was weak and airy, so I spoke slowly.

Shizuo snarled in response. Whatever control he had before was on it's last strand. "Why can't you just listen to me for once!?" He detached himself from my limbs and stood up abruptly, kicking met haphazardly in the side. His body was shaking more prominently than before. He took a couple deep breaths before slamming his foot into the ground. I inwardly cringed. "So, if I'm not a monster, then you walk out of here with only two broken wrists and a nose." The blonde's hazel eyes narrowed with thought. "But if I break you, then I am a monster..."

I grinned, sitting up slowly from my spot on the ground. My body was trembling and it refused to stop. The long forgotten bag at my side was the only thing that kept me from fleeing the vicinity immediately. It would be a miracle if I could even run with it. "Correct, Shizu-chan." I praised, my eyes glistening. The rain had long since soaked me thoroughly and I was shaking from both the cold and the shock that kept my heart dangerously pounding. My chest was heaving and shuddered at the fluttering fear in my chest. I had never seen Shizuo so mad – we had normally been a bit playful in our daily rampages after all. There was more anger in his eyes and voice than even the first day we had met. _He is looking at me like I betrayed him... but how?_

"Either way, you win." I expected the man to growl, but his face remained calm in his thoughts. I ever so slowly pulled myself up to my elbows, eventually sitting and shifting myself to my knees. He didn't seem to notice the slow process, so I took a breather. The simple movement had been harder than I had anticipated. "But," Shizuo's eyes returned from their voyage into the depths of his brain, and his stare bore coldly into my own eyes. I froze in my attempt to stand up. A grin fluttered on his lips. "But, I can't just let you go, seeing how Kasuka is involved... and I've been trying to tell you something, but you won't shut up and listen!" His eyes twitched and his lips pulled back once again, "So, if I am simply disciplining you and showing you your place, teaching you to respect not only me but the rest of society as well, that means I can break all of your bones, take what I came here for, and ditch you at Shinra's unlike any true enemy, and still not be this _monster_ you so speak of, _right?_"

I blinked, my mouth tightly shut.

_Kasuka...? _"Let me go." I dead panned. The situation was not favourable in any way, shape, or form. _When did Shizu-chan become so logical?_ "I have too much to do, I can't play, Shizu-chan. I know it's almost been a year, but I have to go." I let my voice soften with honesty, and he seriously seemed surprised. His features relaxed for a moment, his mouth slightly open as the wheels turned through that thick skull of his.

_Will he let me go?_

But the rage came back and he growled once again. "Let you go? You said you were going underground the last time I saw you, and since then, the Yakuza have been everywhere! Kasuka is in the hospital," He let his sentence drift off in a pant, his body hunching over like he was ready to pounce at me. His eyes flicked back to meet mine and they were angry, _very_ angry, "and I know you are responsible for this..."

I blinked, not completely following. _Wait... what?_ "I did not put Kasuka into the hospital." It was dangerous territory to even _mention_ the name, but I desperately felt the need to clear up the misunderstanding. Whatever happened to Shizuo's little brother; it hadn't been me. I wasn't stupid. I knew better than to involve Kasuka in _anything._ My relationship with Shizuo was nothing but unstable, and adding Kasuka to the mix would make that instability deadly.

I was smarter than that.

Shizuo snarled. He stalked up to me and grabbed the front of my jacket, hauling me to my feet. He stood hunched over me, his face centimetres from mine. Well, I had aimed to stand after all. "You... I know you had something to do with this..." Tobacco once again assaulted my lungs and I scrunched my nose immediately. He grabbed me by my shoulders and shook me once. The smell was revolting and my stomach automatically flipped.

"No." My eyes narrowed. "I have nothing. To do. With your brother and his situation."

"You're lying." His snarled surely. His eyes searched mine, looking for any hint of deceit. There was none, because I was telling the truth. _I did not involve Kasuka. No!_ But of course, humans twist everything around to only find what they are looking for. "You're lying to me!"

I shook my head. My mouth refused to open as he began to lightly shake me. He was muttering death threats under his breath as his eyes grew cold and his fingers tensed around my already bruised shoulders. I couldn't exactly push him off, so I decided to go with it once again. There really wasn't anything I could do. _Shizuo!_

"How can I prove that I'm not lying?" He wasn't being rational, so I couldn't be either. I would have to make a deal with the devil; for better or for worse. Shizuo's trembling hands were nothing shy of murderous, and I really didn't want to finally kick the bucket from our dangerous game. I had to hand it to him though – he had held out much longer than I had expected. _If he suspected me of even _thinking _wrong about his brother, he probably would have already put me on my death bed. __So what changed?_

I wasn't ready to die. I realize that I have already established this, but I was terrified of death.

I did not want to die.

I needed to escape. To run. Cowardly, but necessary.

"You can't prove it, because it's already been proven to me that you did it!" His voice rose and he slammed his forehead into mine once again. I hissed as the rattling sensation it sent through my skull. I was definitely going to have a headache later; maybe even a concussion.

"What?" My voice came out an octave higher than I would have liked. _What is he talking about?_

"The Yakuza told me after they threatened to kill me. What's in the bag?" His grip on my shoulders tightened painfully as he shoved my back up against the wall for the second time that night. I stood there silently, my eyes wide as a large hand slipped down my shoulder, down my chest, down my side to touch at the bag beneath my jacket. I shuddered, silently cursing. He regarded my expression with curiosity, but he did not comment. "I've been _trying_ to tell you, but of course you can't shut up for more than five seconds at a time. I need that bag. What is in there?"

_I don't know what is in here... wait..._ I narrowed my eyes and met Shizuo's. "Why..." _You need the bag? No one knows I have this except for..._ "Why do you need to know what is in the bag?" _Surely Shiki-san..._

Shizuo scoffed like I had asked something trivial. "It's the proof I need to kill you once and for all."

"What makes you so sure?" Proof? _He did not..._

His hand gripped at the fabric of my jacket. "_Open the bag."_

_Shiki... you son of a bitch... _"No." My voice was harsh but calm despite the tremble that wracked my body. Careless of the pain, I violently shifted beneath Shizuo's grip, slipping my shoulder from his expecting grasps and successfully shooting pain up my arms from the motion. The hand just over the bag caught my movement and stopped me dead in my tracks. Shizuo tensed, his eyes blazing holes through my soul. His natural intimidation, for the first time since we had met, was enough to unnerve me. I clumsily tried to remove myself from his hold but he caught me again. I didn't dare use my hands to escape. I crossed them protectively against my chest. As he gripped my forearms. _I need to talk my way out of this._ "Do you really believe anything the Yakuza told you?" I practically yelled. My breathing was laboured and I could feel myself going into over drive. I needed to escape. The pain. The fear. The confusion. The cold. The exhaustion.

It would be the death of me.

Shizuo snarled as he kept two secure hands on my body at all times. I remained perfectly still, lest I give him another excuse to break some more bones.

"Well, Shizu_-chan._ I believe we have both been lied to." Might as well state the truth. His eyebrow twitched, but I ignored it and pressed on. "I thought the job from Shiki-san was sort of, let's say, _random._"

"What job? What are you getting at louse? I should just kill you right now-"

"Isn't it convenient that you happened to run into me, spewing garbage about what the Awakusu told you, and I just happened to be on an errand, for said Awakusu?" His grip loosened slightly. "And you seem pretty interested in my bag, the bag in which I have concealed quite well, I'd say. Just how did you know about this bag, Shizu-chan? Did Shiki tell you about it?"

The way his eyes widened was enough of a conformation. _Shiki set me up?_ Shizuo recovered quickly and growled, but his fingers were still loosening around me. "So you're telling me that you weren't the one to send those punks after me, earlier today?" He scoffed once again in disbelief, "You're lying through your teeth, flea!"

_A group went after Shizuo earlier? He ended up with the Awakusu..._ It was my turn to scoff. "Did you meet up with Shiki-san earlier?" My voice came out harsh and I took the opportunity to brush aside Shizuo's arms with my elbows. I didn't want him touching me, and in the heat of he argument, he let me go."You weren't lured there were you? I can't imagine you would go to them willingly."

"So you did set that up!?"

"I didn't set anything up! A group of people attacked you? Lured you to Shiki? And then what? What happened after that? Did Shiki send you on a mission to retrieve this bag from me? The bag he gave me, and told me to deliver?" My voice was slowly rising from anger as opposed to confidence. Shizuo didn't touch me as he stared. He took a step back, suddenly unsure about the situation. "When was your brother hospitalized, and why?"

"You really have no idea?" The entire left side of Shizuo's face twitched. "You went underground and you tore apart the Awakusu. I know. I heard." _How on Earth did he hear that? No one knows... wait.. Does Shiki know it was me- _"Threats were made, something important was sent to my brother to frame him for something, and the group that broke off from the Awakusu attacked him for it." Shizuo stalked forward with a snarl present on his lips. "I know. Shiki knows. That's why he sent me here-"

He abruptly stopped talking and growled instead, taking a step back. He shook out his clenched hands and exhaled deeply..

Something wasn't adding up. "Wait, so-"

"Flea if you're going to run, do it now." His breathing had become laboured once again as he took another step back. He shook his head with shut eyes. Anger radiated from him in a deadly manner. "I don't understand all of this complex stuff, but you need to go. You need to run before I kill you right here." He slowly slid his eyes open, a slick hue of caramel meeting my own deep crimson. They were the eyes of a lion ready to kill.

He was completely serious.

"Shizu-chan, you don't mean-"

"You have to the count of three."

_Is he seriously counting? What an incompetent-_

"_One."_


	3. Chapter Three

My blood froze in my body and I tensed with paralyzing fear. The voice that rumbled out of his throat alone was enough to set me on edge. He really was serious. His eyes were closed again and he was shaking harder than before. His fists clenched at his sides as he exhaled deeply to keep himself somewhat in control – control that was obviously slipping from his grasps. White puffs of warmed air were rhythmically blowing away in the wind from his breaths. A muscle in his cheek twitched, and then those caramel eyes were back on me. He was shivering and just like my jaw, his teeth were beginning to chatter against each other.

I knew very well that he wasn't scared or cold from the rain.

"Two."

I didn't have to be told twice.

Not overly caring about my blatant display of cowardice, I took off from where I stood, dashing down the length of the dirty alley and back out into the streets. Despite the dead weight at my side as that huge and awkward bag bounced off my thigh, the panic in my chest allowed me to flee with incredible speed. Rushing into the rain, the splatters of water practically blinded me. My shoes slapped the wet pavement noisily as I moved fluidly down another block before slipping into the nearest alley. The houses and shops were blowing by me in an indistinguishable blur. They didn't matter, after all.

I was met with more gravel and brick walls; but that was okay. I needed to get back to Shinjuku – my apartment – before that beast tracked me down and killed me. The way he had looked at me, the way those caramel eyes had slid over my body, I just knew. His threat to kill me had been completely honest. I couldn't die – wouldn't die. It wasn't my time. If I was caught, there was no way I could drag Shizuo down to hell with me. I was currently weaponless and _lightly_ broken after all. _Why didn't I prepare myself a little bit better? This whole night is turning into a chaotic disaster._

When did my game get so destructive? I had been trying to wrap things up, and yet more surprises kept surfacing. And after everything that happened, my mind dared to remind me that I had some new research to do.

Because _that_ is important right now.

I mentally slapped myself for being distracted by work during a crisis.

I slipped into the most unlikely alley, if my memory was still correct, running in almost the opposite direction from where I lived. The course would put me a little bit closer to Shizu-chan, but there would be a couple of blocks of houses to protect me from him. It was a risky, but strategic move on my behalf. I was putting all of my hope in Shizuo being a dinosaur-brain. He wouldn't bet I'd back track, would he? I couldn't fight, hell, I could hardly keep up my jog, but I needed to keep moving and I needed to lose him in the process. I didn't really have time to ponder such trivial things, even thought these trivial things were incredibly important. Life or death. That's what it had come to. I was gasping for air and my muscles were threatening to give on me. If I stopped, I was done. I wouldn't be able to keep running if I even thought too long about pausing.

I needed to detour for my own safety, but my body wouldn't hold out if I detoured too much.

The bag at my side was growing heavier with each step. _To hell with this night. I can't drop this stupid bag and I am slowing down_. It had been so long since the last time I had to run from Shizu-chan, and I had never run with such a heavy accessory before. The way it swung about my leg was throwing me off balance, and the simple struggle to anticipate where it's weight would drop next was only adding to my difficulties. Perhaps I was just making excuses, I wasn't sure, but I didn't even know what was in the bag, let alone if I was actually supposed to deliver it. For all I knew, Shiki could have wrapped cinder blocks up in newspaper or blankets just to send Shizuo after me. Even if that was the case, I didn't even have the time to ditch it. I had strapped it in just perfectly under my jacket so that even if I got mugged, the bag would never leave me. _Why is Shiki playing my game!?_ Did he set me up to face the brute? Was he trying to test my skills, or was he trying to snub me out?

Either one was possible.

_What is he up to, and how does Shizuo fit into this?_

I emerged from an alley and quickly changed course to head home. I had formed a route in my mind; a path I knew well. _I wouldn't be surprised if Shizuo knew that Shiki was trying to get rid of me... this game after all hasn't been in my favour since the beginning. _I dashed across an empty street and into another back-way. Pure determination and fear were all that was driving me forward, like a cat scurrying away from a mouse. How pitiful. The rain was coming down harder, and it pelted my already soaked body. It was almost impossible to breathe without choking on the falling droplets of water, and my slowed jog seemed to lag with every new step. The chilled wind was painful against my broken and bruised face as the rain trickled down similar to tear streaks. I would have to call up Shinra when I got home. What a great way to tell my best friend that I was back.

_'Hey Shinra, I've been back in town for a couple of weeks now, but I got myself into a lot of trouble so I thought it was best to keep quiet for a bit. Speaking of trouble, can you patch up my face, ne?'_

_Pfft, he would probably slap me._ A grin found it's way to my face at the thought of my old friend, but it quickly disappeared. _It's raining hard, this stupid delivery, pain, Shizuo is chasing me, and I feel like I'm going to die. Just how much worse can my night get?_ Turning the next corner, I suddenly halted. The gravel crunched beneath my shoes as I abruptly stopped and slid a little forward, alerting a rather small group of people to my presence. The bag at my side swung forward and the momentum almost pulled me down to the ground. I remained standing by chance, my heavy lidded eyes scanning the bodies as they turned to face me.

There were three of them, and they were all hooded and dressed darkly. They wore casual, bland clothes so that none of them stuck out. They couldn't be a colour gang, they seemed more dangerous then that. Were they from the Awakusu? They were lounging about the entrance; the entrance I needed to escape through in order to return to the streets of Shinjuku. It didn't matter who they were, I just needed to get by. I was so close, yet suspiciously so far away. What was I to do? Turn and flee and take a different route, or casually walk by and hope they didn't mug me?

_I just want to go home._

I didn't really get the chance to make a decision for myself as my world slowed down.

Only one of the hooded figures turned to face me with their expressions shadowed by the hood, and I immediately found myself stepping back and away from them. They were all too calm, and too suspiciously placed. Something about the situation just seemed so _set up._ Shaking, I froze where I stood.

I had walked in to a trap.

The last bit of my energy seeped through my pores and I felt weak, pathetically so. I felt like falling to the ground and sleeping through the nightmare I had found myself in. In my panic, I accidentally made eye contact with one of the figures and we stared at each other for a prolonged minute. His face was covered by a black bandanna while two crisp blue eyes pierced out from beneath the hood. He was standing slightly out of place from the others, and seemed to be the only one to notice me. The trio stood quietly and calmly in the darkness. One was leaned against the wall while another had been scrolling through something interesting on his phone. The third had been alert and prepared. It was like they had been patiently waiting for someone who probably wasn't going to show up – someone like me. The figure on the cell phone suddenly glanced up, muddy-brown eyes meeting mine harshly. My ragged breathing alerted the last one, and he too turned to give me the same glare. I was uncharacteristically loud, my breathing coming in and out as strained pants that mimicked a wheezing dog. Puffs of white air almost blinded me as the wind whipped it back into my face. All I could smell was the blood dripping from my nose. I still loved the way the atmosphere sharply burned against my skin. A soft smile grazed my lips. Yes. Even in the face of adversity, I could still smile and play through my dangers like a chess game.

Or maybe it was just the combined ill-fated luck that was making me hysterical. In the face of intense suffering, the body and mind can do all sorts of amazing things to preserve a life.

It had only been seconds since I had stop, and already, the three hooded figures physically turned towards me like hunting dogs set on their bait.

It was definitely a set up, and they were definitely ordered to come after me. My world returned to real time. Time to suddenly conjure up plan B.

I turned on my heel to flee back the way I had come. My new found grin from the surprise ambush seemed to invoke fresh adrenaline through my veins. It allowed me to move quicker then I should have been able to and I could suddenly feel that giddy high I got when humans surprised me. _Oh, how interesting you all are. __Shiki really went all out this time_. I turned the corner just out of their sight. _This is suddenly fun again! __I suppose I should run back maybe, go around the block? They probably split up, so __perhaps__ I should climb a fire escape and hide out on a roof? But then again, I shouldn't sit for too long-_ I paused once again. I didn't even make it five steps back into the alley. I came to a sudden stop for the second time and the smile on my lips twitched into a grimace. I noted that four more people had come into the alleyway behind me and were slowly closing the distance between the exit and myself. The man leading the gang had his cell phone glowing in front of him and the bandana was pulled down to reveal a menacing smile. A long and ragged white scar trailed down his cheek, slipping over his lips and disappearing under neath his chin. I recognized him, but before a name could be placed to the face, the thought quickly slipped my mind as it was over run with other rambles.

_God dammit. What is this? How did they know where I was? How am I supposed to escape? I need a plan. Plan. I need to stall..._

It was the moment where I needed Shizuo to emerge, raging and yelling while swinging his fists in his typical blind rage. He would scare away my attackers with a ferocious roar, our typical chase would continue, and then I would eventually return home sick and several pounds lighter. _I don't think I can run anymore. _All of this running was starting to wear me out, and in order for my best escape plan to work, I needed Shizuo.

Heh. How ironic. _I need the beast right now._

"Izaya Orihara."

I turned my head only slightly to indicate that I had heard the call from behind me. If I had to talk my way out, then I would do it. I talked my way out of almost everything on a daily basis, it was territory I knew well. I already had a broken nose and two wrists; I doubted they could do anything worse than what Shizuo could do. I kept my facial expressions calm and collected once again even though I still couldn't breath. I had run too far. _I really should have taken it slower. I didn't even hear Shizu-chan chasing me... was he even coming after me? Did I run straight in to this because he set me up to? Shiki... what..._ I couldn't deal with Shiki right then. I needed to focus on the situation at hand. I was dealing with humans now; they were so much easier to manipulate than monsters. I swallowed hard and it burned against my throat. _Love the burn. _I forced a grin onto my face while my breathing sneered heavily from my crushed nose.

_Crunch._

I turned and casually glanced over my heaving shoulder.

The blue-eyed man emerged from the previous group behind me. He was the only one to round the corner, and this fact put me on edge. _They are organized._ The other two were probably guarding the entrance just in case I slipped by somehow. _They must be Shiki's dogs._ He stopped several feet away from me with his hands casually inside the pockets of his soaked black jacket. I shoved my hands into my own pockets for the equal intimidation effect – anyone who knew my name generally knew about my knife play – and to keep my broken limbs safe and securely out of sight. _The less they know about my state, the better. _They were throbbing painfully and so was my face, but I didn't have time to deal with it. All injuries could wait. I clenched my jaw to stop it from chattering and I ignored how my skin felt numb against the rain. My hair was plastered to my face from both weather and sweat. The pounding in my heart wouldn't let up, but I refused to show any sign of discomfort. The hooded man was still standing before me like he was waiting for me to answer him. He had simply said my name. Wasn't that a rhetorical question? _I'm in no position to be cocky._

"Yes?" I hesitated, but my voice was sturdy. The white noise from the rain echoed around us, but that was all. Silence engulfed me and I shivered. _Go figure, I probably lost Shizu-chan._ The fact that the beast had not exploded into the confrontation was incredibly disappointing.

"The Awakusu know what you did; everything you did to us." _Cryptic words. _His voice was gruff but he was smiling. I could see him smiling, because it was reflected in his eyes. He was smiling just like that other one, the one that closed off my escape.

Those words were not reassuring. I had done enough over the past eleven months to get myself a nice bounty; best case scenario, all ties were guarantee to be broken if Shiki found out the game I had been playing. Worst case scenario, he would have my head displayed in his office. I had been so careful too. _He can't know. He couldn't have already figured it out._

I stared at the man with an incredulous look. "Are you referring to all the information and guidance I have provided you with ~?" In the event of confrontation, my best choice was always to shroud the truth behind brighter truths. The man shrugged, exposing his unarmed hands in a casual but mocking gesture. He made no move to attack or approach. He didn't even seem intimidated by me so I remained still myself. I really only had one option: to play along until I had the chance to escape. _I can't even fight right now. My chest hurts from running, ahck..._ _I don't know if I can even bolt if the chance were to arrive. _Frustration welled up within my me and I shuddered from my lack of control. I wasn't fond of admitting my weaknesses, but I really couldn't do anything. There was nothing I could do, unarmed, against a group of thugs. I turned my back on the group that blocked my exit. They had stopped half way down the alley to maintain a respectful distance. I must have been speaking to the leader of this little charade. Not liking that my back was turned, I shifted to angle myself to see both groups of people equally.

The man who had spoken to me continued on like I hadn't even said anything. "We were sent to deliver a message: a tidbit of information, to be specific."

"Go on." I encouraged tiredly. _Seven __men, __maybe even more,__ were sent to give me information?_ I allowed the disbelief to show on my face. I didn't even have the energy to dig for info. I was getting more tired by the second just for standing. _I don't know how much longer I will last, __I need to escape relatively soon_. Standing had even become difficult. My breathing had been reduced to a shallow gasp as my strained lungs refused to accept the oxygen surrounding me. "I don't have all night."

"Shiki knows everything you have done to work against us over the past year." Those words were said casually, but they hit me hard. My heart sunk against the growing smirk of disbelief on my face. If Shiki really did figure it out, then all the pieces were falling together and they were all fitting perfectly in the wrong puzzle. My own plot was working against me. _I could write a novel about this chaotic mess..._ "The Awakusu-Kai are currently cutting ties from you, Izaya Orihara. Shiki gave you the benefit of the doubt, but you seem to have other aspirations. That is my message. We also have something to deliver, but we will get to that in a moment. Do you have anything you wish to say to Shiki regarding this matter?"

I blinked. _That message seemed to be edited. _I smirked and chuckled. My eyes darkened as the fatigue threatened to override my body. I turned to face the man squarely, turning my back on the other group. The smile disappeared from my lips as I let my head fall back just enough to be condescending. A sideways glance from underneath my lashes seemed to unnerve the man before me. He shifted ever so slightly. _This really seems like..._ "You can tell Shiki-san..."_...is he asking for my last words?_ "_Checkmate._"

I smirked, tensing for the fight the was sure to come. All I had to do was move and run. I could endure the pain. I could endure the fatigue. I would endure whatever obstacle these hoodlums threw at me so long as I could return home in peace.

That was all I asked for. I readied myself to run the second anyone moved.

The man nodded with his eyes closed. A solemn expression fell over his face.

Something pricked my chest, just below my left collar bone. I instinctively raised a hand to press at it as it tingled, mild confusion distracting me from the situation at hand. _I ran way too hard._ What felt like a minor chest pain instantly blossomed into shattering agony. The sensation was indescribable as a rippling force quivered through my entire being. _No... _I gracefully dropped to my knees with a gasp, my eyes widening at the sudden lack of stability and the stomach churning sensation that washed over me. My brain was fogging along with my vision. The people before me grew fuzzy and I coughed. I broke out in a sweat. My face tensed as I tried to see through the pain, to see through the haze. _This can't be happening!_ Panic welled up inside of me as I lost all sources of feeling in the lower half of my body. My legs went completely numb and everything became eerily silent except for the rain. Something warm ran down my skin and shivered, suddenly cold. _What?_ Pain slunk lazily through my torso like trailing molasses as the rain became unbearably loud in my ears. It pelted my falling figure and I watched the ragged and drenched ground ever so slowly come closer to my face like I was teetering on my own knees. Slow motion. Everything was happening in slow motion. I suddenly felt the need to spit – my throat suddenly felt so wet that I thought I was going to drown – but before I could do so, warm liquid erupted and bubbled and ran down from my closed mouth, dripping from my chin. I fell forward, my face meeting the cold gravel as I slumped into it. I whimpered lightly as the confusion took hold of my mind and settled foreign fear into the pits of my stomach. Pain didn't resonate through my wounded nose, only numbness as I lay with my face half pressed into the rocks beneath me. A cold, eerie numbness began to spread out from my chest and it settled into me as I inhaled a rattling breath. My lungs burned for oxygen. But wasn't I breathing? The sensations made me tired. I managed to roll somewhat onto my side, my body weight crushing against my broken right wrist. I didn't flinch at the shocking sensation. My muscles settled down and involuntarily relaxed – except for my face. My figure slumped uselessly as the exhaustion and agony settled in. A tiny river of red flowed past my nose in the rushing street water as it made its way down the gravel and into the roads of Shinjuku. _Where did all that red come from?_ My eyebrows creased together as I dodged around the obvious truth.

A dark, haunting laugh echoed through the back of my skull.

_Is that blood?_

I slowly shifted myself again. _I need to move, and I need to move now! _There was no way I was just going to lay down and take whatever was coming to me. My left hand was still shoved into my pocket and it refused to move from it's safety. My right hand was trapped beneath my hip. It throbbed in agony at the pressure, and to my surprise, a silent tear slipped from between my closing eyelids. My body was refusing to move. _Okay, never mind, I take that back. I'm just going to lay here for a minute._ I managed to draw my knees closer to my chest, as a painful shudder wracked my body.

It was cold. So cold.

A light gasp left my throat as shoes crunched loudly against the gravel. I was shaking, and my consciousness was stubbornly remaining. My face was frozen in my suffering and I let out another soft whimper. I was light headed and dizzy. I was spinning even though I was lying on the ground. I wanted to throw up, so my body only convulsed, forcing me to spit out more blood. My chest was burning and my head suddenly cracked into a raging migraine. And my chest, right where my skin had prickled, burned.

_Crunch._

Black dress shoes slowly moved closer to me from some distance away. They weren't Shizuo's. _Why can't they be Shizuo's?_ They came closer to me in a lazy sort of fashion. One step after another, slowly but surely bringing themselves closer. My eyes narrowed as I softly panted for air. _Who is this cocky bastard?_

That was when I noticed my jacket. Just below my left breast pocket, there was a small tear in the fabric of my coat. The soaked cloth was slowly turning dark red, and the crimson substance was leaking from the unseen wound and into the gravel. _So I really was shot __from behind__. __I turned my back to a group of thugs... wow Orihara. Good fucking job._

_Heh..._ I blinked painfully, a sad smile forming on my paling lips.

The two large black shoes stopped just before me and one nudged my shoulder gently. And then I saw _it._ My face twitched in evident fear, my eyes avoiding the cold, hard truth. I was on the path to my greatest terror, and as fitting as it would be to laugh in the face of death, that was not the case. As much as I would have loved to laugh, I couldn't. I felt too sick to my stomach to do so.

"Are you ready?"

Am I ready? Of course not. I somehow managed to prop myself painlessly up on an elbow; if _this_ was going to happen then I wanted to watch. The downfall of the great Orihara. Even if I couldn't bring myself to laugh, I still wanted to see it all. There was nothing to do but accept it. They had shot me once already, and I highly doubted that they had intended to just miss my heart by a fraction. They were taking their second shot from a shorter range.

They wouldn't miss this time.

It took all my strength, but I managed to raise my head from the ground. Stubbornly. A small grin split my bloody lips while my heart slammed into my chest. I was violently shaking, my face broken and battered as I turned it to the crying sky_._ I was the perfect picture of terrified submission; I never thought it would be like this at the end. I always pictured my death to be by the hands of Shizuo, and I had planned to hysterically laugh as the life faded from me.

That was not the case, yet I refused to shed any tears for my own damned soul. If I were to die, I would die with the dignity I still had left, and I would die smiling regardless of the reason. Let the humans believe what they want; they never loved me anyway. I didn't want to leave the world trembling at someone's feet, and yet there I was. My planning had all been in vain. I felt as if there was nothing even to reflect on. _Doesn't your life flash before your eyes?_ All I felt was loneliness. A cold, painfully numbing, loneliness. _Who will care, really? I loved humans equally, yet none of them would ever love me in return. _They would just go on with their lives, and my existence would quickly dissipate from all of their memories. Most of them would even be happy that I was gone. This wasn't supposed to happen. I had learned practically nothing about humanity and I hadn't even made an impact yet – I clearly didn't even know myself very well, to top it all off. Heh, laughing in the face of turmoil. Apparently I only dreamed of it.

There was still so much to learn.

I shook my head gently in defiance, my eyes watering as I stared into the falling rain. They would be the last droplets of _anything_ that I would ever feel. They pelted my skin, and I shuddered in temporary delight as the crisp chill dribbled down my cheek, leaving streaks were my silent tears couldn't. This was what it meant to feel. This wold be the last sensation. _I don't want to die._ Living was my nature, after all.

Ever so slowly, I lazily drifted my hazy eyes over to meet my fate.

"Are you ready?"

_I can't die..._

My smile twitched into something remorseful, and my eyes pricked with tears. Heh. Even at the end, my humanity was getting the better of me.

A metallic _click_ resonated through the air, just above my head. A cruel scarred smirk greeted me behind the black barrel of a hand gun. It was only inches from my forehead. Execution style. My smile twisted into something darker, but only regret reflected in my eyes.

I stared coldly, unwavering at my demise. _Only Shizuo Heiwajima is allowed to kill me. No one else._ How ironic. I was supposed to drag him to Hell with me.

The last thing I heard was a deafening explosion and the distant whinny of a horse before my whole world turned blood red.


	4. Chapter Four

_**Warnings.**_

* * *

My skin was chilled when I awoke and nothing could be seen before me.

I struggled to sit up from my sprawled position. My chest felt heavy from lying on it and most of my body was numb. With my head hanging and my hands hardly supporting me, I quietly panted as memories distantly drifted back into my skull. Shizuo in the alley. The chase. The group of strange people. The metallic taste on my mouth as pain exploded through me from an unseen strike. _Didn't I just get shot? Twice? _Oddly enough, there was no pain wracking my body. I shakily lifted a hand to my chest, gently touching the fabric of the dark shirt I usually wore. There were no tears in the fabric, but there was a distant numbness just under my left collar bone and along the side of my neck. My hand came back clean when I pulled it away. _Where is the blood? Wait! Where is my jacket?_

Panic welled up in the pit of my belly and I glanced up into the never ending darkness. Was I still in that back way or was I somewhere else? Shinra's? Did I go blind or was this something supernatural? I couldn't feel the ground beneath me, and judging from my irritated equilibrium, I was slowly shifting and moving. My empty stomach churned at the sensation.

_Where the hell am..._

"_You are indeed here."_ A deep, haunting voice slowly echoed with a vibration all around me. I tilted my head quickly to try and catch sight of anyone, anything. The darkness was vast however, and it seemed to swallow me whole. Was there someone with me? _Who's voice is that?_

Fire suddenly engulfed me, springing up from the unbeknownst depths below, and I screeched as I sat upright on my knees. Thick flames lazily licked at the darkness as they warmed my chilled body almost instantly. I hugged myself, wrapping my arms around my chest, but noticed that while the flames were monstrous in size, they did not catch at my clothes. They were uncomfortably hot against my skin but they did not burn. I was sitting in them, the ground beneath me remaining black as charcoal. _What is this!?_ I glanced about with a quickened breath and a slight shake in my being.

"_The fire that burns inside of your heart is hot. It has the capability to destroy everything it comes in contact with."_ A flaming figure manifested before me in a huge flash. Just like the fire, it seemed to have risen up from the blackness below. It was large, larger than a building and it formed features to vaguely resemble a mutated human with wings sprouting from it's back. Black flaming circles swirled where it's eyes should have been, and every word was moved with a disfigured void of a mouth. I squinted against the blinding light, raising a hand to shield my sensitive eyes as pain pricked behind them. _"Izaya Orihara. You have not been deemed worthy to ascend to Heaven. You shall remain here, in Hell, for eternity."_

And that was when I realized that my heart wasn't beating.

_Wait... I'm dead? _My eyes widened as my shielding hand slowly drifted back down to my lap. I blinked once as my mouth parted. _I... _I realized that my wrists were fully functional and intact. The broken bones from Shizu-chan? Gone. I really was dead, and I could clearly remember how I died. Shot twice. _What a way to go.._. I blinked in disbelief as I stared down at my hands. Two thick shadows clung to my wrists tightly like handcuffs, the tail end disappearing into the vast darkness before me. They pulsated with a fervent need as they cut off my the circulation, the slowly growing coils tightening desperately to climb up my forearms. It was an odd sensation, like rope tying me to the peculiar world. There was a gentle tug, but oddly no pain, just a peculiar _warmth_. I rolled my right hand for testing. No pain emerged from the joint. I glanced back up at the flaming... _God?..._ speechless. _I'm..._

An ominous chuckle lowly rumbled, and I felt all of the hairs on my body raise. I may have called myself a God to the humans around me, but I was certain that I did not hold this much power. I could feel it wafting from him in thick ripples. The power. The confidence. _The evil._ The flaming apparition moved closer to me with a slow but powerful step. I tensed, trying to shift back away from it. My spine suddenly straightened and I couldn't help but gasp. It was exerting it's aura and I felt as if I would be crushed beneath it. The evil and wickedness of it's intent rolled off of it's being like the blood that had pooled beneath my dying body. I could see and understand what was happening, but I couldn't save myself.

I would be an arrogant fool to stand up against such a being.

I swallowed thickly._"Now that the formalities are out of they way, _hello_, Izaya Orihara. I have been waiting for you."_

I blinked just as my jaw went slack. I felt my stomach drop and a cold sweat broke out on my forehead. _He was waiting for me?_ I remained frozen where I sat as the figure drew near. I almost forgot to breathe, not that I really needed to. It was more of a habit than anything else. It crouched down to my height, a deep rumble echoing throughout it's cackling figure. It toned down it's blaze to become more human sized and it collapsed upon itself until it finally knelt before me with an outstretched hand. It was still mostly featureless and larger than me – larger than Shizuo probably – and it seemed to smile in the way Celty would. It didn't have lips to show the emotion, but the feeling simply rolled off of it and attacked my senses. Unlike Celty, the smile was wicked and twisted. And the fact that is was a flaming apparition was what kept me from taking it's offered hand.

I remained still as he advanced forward, hopeful that this Hell ordeal had been nothing more than a gag. _ It can't be this simple._ My hope died when his hand landed on me. Searing hot fingers clamped onto the back of my head and shoved my face downwards and into my lap.

"_You will always bow before me, Orihara." _Another chuckle escaped from above and I felt the first waves of genuine panic flow through my veins as the smell of burning flesh reached my nose. Why could I still feel pain!? I squeezed my eyes shut as I tried to think. I needed to think, to clear myself from the situation, to collect and to -

"_Your human tactics will not work down here," _a hysterical laugh erupted from the being. I gasped as the burning pressure was released from my scalp. I automatically sat up with my mouth ready to go, eyes scrunched with pain and discomfort. _How dare _anyone_ lay a hand on me-_ That flaming hand returned to my face, fingers digging into my cheeks and nose and searing hot pain fleshed its way into my skin as it burned. The stench was terrible. I cried out, bringing my hands up to pry the hand from my skin, but my palms and fingertips received the same fate. It was like sticking your hand into the stove and hoping that you wouldn't burn yourself on the max setting. It was futile. The skin was melting from my body and blood had begun to run down my cheek in a warm, stinging trail. My face fell back to my lap when the hand was removed. The entire ordeal had only lasted a couple of seconds, but there were bubbles, _bubbles of boiled skin, _and I was already at my limit.

The great Orihara, forced into a voluntary submissive state in less than five minutes.

I probably looked grotesque already. _Five fucking minutes! Not even!_

I clutched at my face protectively, a scowl forming on my lips as tears threatened to prick at my eyes. My lungs were heaving out shaky breaths and it felt like I was suffocating. _My face, my face, my face..._ I could feel the mass of my nose, cheeks and forehead were charred, along with the bottoms of my hands. Bubbly skin stuck to my hands as I pulled them away, and widened crimson eyes took in the mutated masses that had grown on my flesh. My palms were a disgusting mix of ash black, blood red, and what looked like cysts ready to burst. _This is what is on my face..._

Fingers trembling lightly, I let the first tear slip.

"_You already forgot."_ The voice was light, almost playful, _"You almost forgot that you must always keep your head down to me. Maybe I should get you to repeat it? Like a child? You are a child here, after all. Fresh meat."_

Submission was not my forte, and I silently cursed myself for not knowing how to deal with it. My hands returned to my face and I gazed down at nothing in particular between my fingers. "Who the hell do you think you are?" I yelled and raised my head once again. Pain still stung me, but I wasn't convinced. _This can't be true. _Only my worst nightmares left me disfigured. Was this a joke? If I was in hell, I was worthy to some entitlement at least. My eyes hardened and I stopped the tears. It didn't matter where I was; I would make a place for myself and put myself above all others. That was an unavoidable fact. It was in my nature. I would never allow myself to disappear with the common folk, or disappear at all. I was Izaya Orihara. I belonged where my precious humans thrived. My will alone would keep me from disappearing.

A laugh roared and the being flared once again before all the flames exploded like fireworks, slowly fading into darkness. It was gone. The fire apparition was gone. It was then that I realized I had been passionately shaking my head like a mental patient locked in an asylum. Black swept over me almost painfully as the voice continued, _"Who the hell am I? I am the ruler of Hell, you pathetic human. You have raised your hideous face against me once again,"_ A solid, soft, human shaped body pressed into mine and a hand forcefully slunk it's way into the hair at the back of my burned head. Muscles creaked with my sudden tension. My breath hitched as I expected my body to burn, my skin to sear in violent pain from the touch.

But there was nothing. Nothing except for a relatively warm body pressed up against mine, delicately holding me like I was a fragile piece of china.

The gentleness only lasted a second. I was roughly pulled forward, and my pained face crashed into something solid. My eyesight was blocked and obscured like I had been pulled into the bastards chest. _"_Satan,_ is the name you will use to describe me, and nothing other than it. And as for your mental statement, you are entitled to nothing down here. You are by far one of the most evil and manipulative creatures to walk the Earth. You could birth the sin you house. You have so much power, and you used that power to reach supernatural heights, and for that, I praise you."_ He chuckled and I felt it rumble from beneath me. Dark and haunting. I shuddered at his praise, for it did not sit well in my stomach. My cheeks flushed lightly and my eyes pricked once again. That saying, the one that states that your life flashes just before you die?

Bogus.

It didn't flash. I simply realized it. I could see it, everything. The way I had treated my family as a child. The way I had grown up. The hatred I had adopted for being different, for being observant, for being so calm and inhuman. How I had treated those close to me, friend and foe, and the way I had decided to live my life. The acquaintances I had made, the schemes I had conjugated, the lives I had screwed over. The people I worked for and employed, the tricks I had played, the plots I had set into motion. The way I had misused my natural intelligence, and the actions that forced my parents to turn their backs to me like I had become nothing more than an imperfect demon.

The back stabbing. The indirect murders and terrorizing. The playing. The games. The never lasting satisfaction and that ravenous craving for more hurt, more angst, more misery, more sin. My attempt to ruin Shizuo, one of the most stubborn and God-like humans I had ever met. The jealousy had brewed hatred. I hated him since the first day I met him because I knew he surpassed me. The disgusting longing to be more like him, mutilated by the need to be perfect, to be above all, to be God-like.

To be loved.

I had walked the path willingly, and this was my punishment.

A tear slipped past my closed eyes and my chest became dark and painful. _What are these feelings?_ I felt disgusting, like a little kid caught with their hand in the cookie jar.

"_Feeling guilty?" _He chortled triumphantly,_ "Oh, and there is a little bit of shame and embarrassment there too. So now you see. You see everything that brought you here, even though all of this time, you aspired to reach the top, to become a God, to be loved and held and praised, you chose the dark path even though you knew you would fail. Heh, it's a tragedy. You never wanted to disappear, but that is exactly what you will do here. Show me your face? I wish to see how you look as you realize this." _ Anger. I replaced everything with anger and growled out my refusal to my own words. So this was the sick game I had been playing. This was how my precious humans felt as I meddled in their lives.

It was such an interesting feeling, but I could live without.

He simply laughed harder.

"_You're interesting, but unfortunately for you, I take in no underlings or subordinates. I know you were hoping for something special, but the only special place you will get here is to be my personal pet,"_ he pat my head for emphasis,_ "Hell is not the place for the evil to satisfy themselves. Hell is the place for people like you to suffer by my hands for all of eternity. I will use and abuse you until I break you, and then you can watch yourself as you degrade and fall further into the pits of nothing. In the end. You _will_ disappear, and no longer exist. And alas, you will be forgotten."_ The snickering erupted into a full fledged laugh. The resistance of the inhuman body beneath me shifted and light filtered into my widened eyes. A firm hand snaked it's way around my lower back, and the hand in my hair aggressively pushed my face into what felt to be the crook of his neck. The body was changing and becoming more human beneath me, and I managed to glance over his shoulder, freeing my pained face from the pressure of his hold.

What I saw was incredibly peculiar.

The area around us was lit up by candles. The ground was still black, but there were hundreds of thousands of white candles littered around us, their little flames flickering in the darkness. Some were larger than others, and some seemed to be raised as if we were sitting at an alter. They surrounded me at different levels, each flame dancing to a different tune, and the sight was both breath taking and awe striking. Had I not just had my fate sealed, I would have described them as beautiful.

Behind them, in the fading candlelight, where what looked like moving shadows. Dark, ghastly formations floated around like shadows on walls. The looked partially human, with what could be described as two shadowy arms and possible heads. _Spirits?_ They were those characteristic spirits, balls of awkward darkness with awkward, indescribable limbs. They all floated around aimlessly, eerie whispers leaving their unseen mouths as they pulsed and morphed into more hideous looking things. Horns sprouted from some while tails or wings sprouted from others. _Izaya Orihara... Izaya... Izaya... _Their whispers intensified at an alarming rate. They called my name repeatedly in a deafening variety of voices. Some low, some high, some normal and human, some growling and creature like. I attempted to avert my line of sight as the shadows puffed into more angrier apparitions, but I couldn't move. The hands on my body held me perfectly still and my chin was resting on the shoulder of... _What?_ I glanced down, slightly shocked. My fingers involuntarily clenched around a silk, carmine dress shirt. The pulsating of the transformation had stopped, and I was struck by how _human_ the being had become. Beneath us, flames danced patterns against the garment and it instantly reminded me of blood. My blood. _Izaya-san... _Voices were filling my ears. I needed to leave – they kept calling my name but I couldn't help them. I didn't know what they wanted or why they were there. _I don't know how to help people; I have never really helped anyone unless it was in some twisted way._ The hand on my back suddenly pushed my hips forward and I surprisingly shifted my body, disturbed by how my knees had been spread to either side of _his_ hips so that I could sit upon _his_ lap. His name died on my tongue and I refused to speak it. I refused to even think it. I closed my eyes as a shudder took over my body. I had no fight left.

_I seriously screwed up._

"_I see you now understand your position. Oh, and those spirits are the soul's of those who have died from your involvements."_ The hand at my back slowly began to slide in what should have been comforting circles. It was such a _human_ gesture. It caused me to tense and clutch onto the body a little more tightly. My eyes flicked back up to gaze at the shifting shadows once again.

There were hundreds, maybe even thousands, of them.

My stomach dropped, a disturbed frown pulling at my lips.

Those people were dead because of me? I had never felt too much for the death of a human, but, there were just _so many. How many are there? _The hand at my back suddenly became firm, almost painfully so. I swallowed thickly as weight crashed down onto my shoulders. I suddenly felt heavy, like an invisible mass was crushing me and filling me up and solidifying like concrete. I suddenly couldn't move willingly, and my heart sunk so painfully in my chest that a sob broke out from between my lips. My face was frozen in a remorseful expression, alien to my facial muscles.

I had avoided the consequences of my actions for so long.

"_This weight is your responsibility."_

_Distance yourself. _ Just like the pain in the alley, I stored it somewhere deep within me to deal with later in private. I nodded in acknowledgement. They had been regular human beings who had come to me, knowing who I was and how I dealt with things. I wasn't ready to face it. To face death without fear. I didn't want to accept the consequences, I wanted to brush them off like I always had. _They __a__ren't my problem.__ These spirits are not my problem._ All I had to do was tell myself this. They knew when they came to me. They knew.

"_You are so cold. These people are your problem, you led them to despair when I led them to you. When you are here permanently, they will all be above you. They will torture and harass you for as long as they need to. But this is not about them. They are here because of you, and will aide in your punishment, and that is all the information you need to know."_

I bit the inside of my bottom lip. They, the angry spirits, didn't know anything about me. They didn't know how to break me, or how to harass me. I knew all these people right? If I had brought them here, then I would remember most of them, right? Most of their attempts would be in vain. They had been below me, and the situation wouldn't be enough to change that. It didn't matter that we were dead – I was playing with immortality, right? _None of them can break me; __nothing can__._ Strained determination set into my stomach and I hardened my heart along with my grip. I set my jaw and swallowed the misery that had been building inside of me. There would be no more tears and no more regret. Sure, I could have appreciated a bazillion more things in my life when I had had the chance, but I couldn't now because it was over. So this would not get to me, and there was no point in reflecting. The past was the past. I seriously screwed up, and now I had to face the price. I could endure this, I just needed to fight. I had lived my life playing all sorts of games and speaking all sorts of riddles; it would take more than a few threats to knock me down.

"_Nothing can break you?" _The chuckling started back up and I swallowed thickly as that moving hand delicately trailed down my back with a single finger. _"How incredibly lucky for you, you're not actually staying here, so I don't have much time to prove you wrong."_

_What does that mean?_ My resolve to fight suddenly froze. _I'm not staying here? All of this was for nothing? Where am I going? Or is this another trick!?_

"_You will permanently die eventually, and when that time comes, I will have so much fun breaking you in. True, you might be able to endure me for a while, but I doubt you will hold out for long."_ the laughter ceased to end, and my face was shifted back into the crook of his neck. Long, wiry crimson red hairs fell into my face and I closed my eyes. My previous emotions were numbing out with my determination. _What was that stupid line again? Conceal, don't reveal? Doesn't matter, he can read my mind. I keep forgetting this, but it is so hard to monitor my thoughts._ _What the hell is he doing, anyway?_

I cleared my throat, though my voice still came out small and weak. "You mean to tell me that I am only visiting?" My heart fluttered in hope, but was it a trick? The idea of staying or even coming back after I returned to life was not appealing in the slightest. Actually, returning to life sounded like a miracle.

"_Yes, just visiting. Consider this your prelude to the after life, for you are being temporarily saved. That Shizuo Heiwajima creature is just as entertaining as you are. A little trickster, that one. Much more holy than you could ever dream of being. You should thank him when you get back."_

What.

"_But unlike you, he will never find his way down here, unless, you drive him into depravity, that is..."_ There was a sneer, and then another chuckle as the fallen angel began to laugh once again at his own suggestion. _"Maybe that is what I'll have you do – you're not leaving here without any baggage, after all. It's such a shame. Heiwajima would be more than fun to break in, though I think he would be easy. He would probably give up as soon as he got here."_ The statement was followed with a disappointed sigh.

"You do not know my Shizu-chan very well, then." The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. If I was dead and going to rot away in Hell with the Devil himself, then I at least wouldn't let him tear down Shizu-chan so easily; even if they were empty words. I couldn't explain why, but his words struck a nerve somewhere within me. I hated Shizuo, but he was mine to hate and break alone. "Shizuo Heiwajima's will is far more formidable than mine."

"_Hm, is that so? Sounds like I have discovered another weakness, then."_

_What- _I gasped as a cold finger slipped underneath the back my shirt. A talon of a nail gently ran against my skin and I tensed in his grasps. "What are you getting at here, anyway." My voice was secure once again just like my mask. I had gone through a roller coaster of emotions, but I was back now, back in control. _Or perhaps I am just cocky because he said I am being saved._ At least in death I could hide my emotions too. That was something to be proud of when I awoke.

"_You can't actually hide your emotions, because I can feel your heart. It might not beat, but it still feels, you know. I will break your masks and security in due time, don't fret, little Orihara."_ I could of sworn he was smirking as his voice teased. The frown remained on my lips as I stared impassively behind him. It took all of my concentration not to show the doom I felt in my chest. "_And what I'm getting at here is that you are leaving soon and I would like for you to take a... let's call it a gift, back to the real world with you. It's not everyday that I get an opportunity like this."_

"A gift?"

"_Hm, I wonder what kind of face you will make when you realize what is happening,"_ The finger poked teasingly at the hem of my pants and I felt a sweat break out across my forehead once again. My fingers clenched and my mouth pulled into a worrying line. My heart rate spiked as a chill ran up my spine. _"And yes, a gift. And just for my own amusement, I will show you in life something like a preface for what you will face when you return here. You will face five fears, not including my gift, before you come back. Whether they make you or break you is wholly up to you. Let's call it a game."_

"I don't have five fears." I didn't mean to sound challenging, I just said it like it was; a fact. I had only said it to reassure myself – not that I wanted to admit that. He chuckled, and we remained frozen for a second, the pad of his finger teasing my skin in a gentle, rhythmic circle. _Maybe he is just talking the talk?_ My face flushed, and it stung as I remembered the burns that scarred my face. They had numbed over time, so clearly pain wasn't very lasting down here. My breathing automatically hitched, and that ominous heavy feeling settled into my stomach once again. Something bad was going to happen, and I didn't know if I could deal with it.

My throat constricted on it's own accord.

He suddenly leaned back and pulled my body forward with him, his hand slipping the hem of my pants and boxers and pushing them, along with his hand, down my bare skin. His hands forcefully travelled down my thighs, dropping my clothes around my knees. I shivered as I practically caved into him, my body arching uncomfortably away from his presence as sudden cold air washed over me. Blatantly shaking, I didn't even try to hide it as I tried to pull away, my body moving in my attempt to wiggle free. _Wait, wait, wait, wait... _"I am only afraid of death, not what happens after." I rushed the sentence for my own support and squeezed my eyes shut as he laughed, one long finger trailing down to my ass.

"_Oh?"_ he chuckled again and his other hand curled in my hair viciously to keep me from escaping, holding my head still, _"then why are you holding on to me so tightly?"_

I consciously noticed that my grip on his shirt had tightened into a death grip. I had also raised my swaying hips away from his violating fingers, and in the process had given him better access to what he was after. He pulled my face into his shoulder and held me there to keep me from moving, gently stroking his fingers through my hair, knowing full well that it wouldn't stop my struggle. I was trapped beneath his massive palm like a small, wild animal being calmed. I silently cursed myself, my uncharacteristically quiet brain murmuring unlikely solutions for my escape. I tried to fight against the grip that held my hair but I lost. His hands felt like Shizuo's, solid marble with super strength. My brain revealed the painful truth. _I'm not escaping this._ The lower hand, sitting down by my thighs suddenly moved and groped me with sudden harshness, feeling me up with forced dominance and I froze completely still with my heart slamming into my chest.

I had never been on a roller coaster, but I imagined the first drop would be equivalent to how my stomach sunk at that moment.

I was unmoving as I clung on to his sturdy frame with my eyes shut tight, shivering and tense. He was being rough, nails breaking skin as he grabbed and kneaded my body in places I would never let another touch, his bruising force causing me to repetitively shudder, and as much as it would make sense for me to be into that kind of stuff, I wasn't. I was not a masochist who wanted to be man handled and subdued. I was a fool who avoided sexual contact at all costs, and my avoidance, just like the responsibility I had abandoned over those spirits, was coming back to literally bite me in the ass. I shuddered and clenched my teeth to stop them from chattering. _No, no, no, __I don't have fears, I don't have fears, this is an unreasonable fear, no fear, come on Orihara, it's just a tease, a little bit of groping, you'll live-_

One filthy finger abruptly founds it's way inside of me, and I jerked my hips away from it with a viscous hiss as pain seared through my tensed rear. It hurt more than I had anticipated. My right hand detached itself from his shirt and instantly found his wrist behind me. I held on, my knuckles going white. _I won't let him do this, there is no reason for this, this is unnecessary. No reason, no reason, okay, maybe I deserve this, yeah?_

A light chuckle resonated from beneath me as I let out a panicky breath. _"Hm, no reason? I did say you were going back to the living world with a gift, did I not?" _The laugh raised all of the hairs on my body as it echoed throughout the darkness, that finger curling painfully into me and the grip in my hair almost tore out more skin. I could feel the talon of a nail snag into my sensitive flesh, and a wave of foreign sensations flooded through my hips, making my body sag forward in weakness. I went numb as I put the pieces together, that finger sliding into the depths of my body. My nose crinkled in disgust and my mouth instantly pulled into a frown. His gift. His actions. They could only mean one thing? But how could that be possible?

He pulled his finger out roughly and pulled me close. The hand in my hair trailed down my back to hold me still at my hips while his other hand disappeared from my body. Apparently he was done with the demonstration. I glanced down to one of my clenched fists and cursed at the tremble that was still visible. I didn't dare move. Concentrating, I tried to even out my breathing, tried to calm the erratic gasps that could only indicate my panic. _Panic is so unlike me._ But I was trapped, completely at the mercy of the under world. The fact didn't sit well. All of my natural emotions were still in tact, and this, this was _definitely_ something I never wanted to experience.

The hand in my hair suddenly disappeared, and both hands suddenly slid to grasp my bare hips as they held me still. His fingers clenched. They would surely leave bruises, if not break something. Large hands steadied my ever so swaying hips, forcing me to lift and balance painfully on my knees. He pulled me closer, and I swallowed as I mentally tried to prepare myself for the worst part. My breathing had become anxious and my body had gone rigid with tension. _This won't work, right? Why the hell would I ever look this up, I should have looked this up, I don't think this is normal, surely he won't _fit_ just like that, right? Unless he just plans to force his way in..._ I tensed, something inside of my body clenching to try and repel the intrusion that was about to happen. Flickering my eyes in a daze, I whimpered, catching those haunting spirits as they called my name again and again, chanting, louder and louder. I wrapped both of my arms around his neck, feeling hair tickle my nose as I gripped him hard enough to choke a regular human. I closed my eyes. _Distance, distance, think of something else... something happier..._

"_Izaya... Iza-kun... Izaaya Orihara..."_

_Shizuo..._

His head suddenly turned, his nose nudging my ear. We remained frozen in place while he whispered almost silently, his lips brushing against my jaw with each cruel word.

And then he moved, so fast and so strong that the action somehow reminded me of being caught in Shizuo's grasps, his hands pushing my hips down and his body slamming into mine in one quick, inhuman motion. Tearing. Breaking. Pressure. And pain.

All I remembered after that was my own, blood curdling scream.


	5. Chapter Five

I sat straight up.

Pain smashed into my body and I screeched as I curled forward and into my knees. It was taking over my sense and shrouding every corner of my mind, my body was shaking and my insides felt dark and heavy. I fell over to my side from the agony, my breathing hysterical and my eyes squeezed shut. _Make it stop, make it stop! What happened?_ A hand was at my shoulder instantly, a light, gentle pressure, and immediately I jerked away from the touch. The darkness behind my lids suddenly concerned me so I opened my eyes nice and wide. The light in the room blinded me and I struggled past the pain to sit back up. The hand on my shoulder became hard, trying to hold me still while I swatted it away.

"_Izaya Orihara."_

I flinched at my name and the voice, falling over again as I attempted to scuttle away. The hand left me with a scoff. My blurry vision was clearing as I struggled to catch my breath. Sprawled about, I managed to make out the outline of a petite woman. _Who is she? Do I know her?_ A two toned green turtle neck caught my attention as she stood up straight; a pencil skirt tightly defining her lack of hips. Long black hair fell over her left shoulder, and she stretched out a hand to me. Her voice came out firm. "Izaya calm down. We're at Shinra's."

I glanced up with recognition on my face. She studied me for half a second and then smiled half warmingly. _What is Namie Yagiri doing here?_ I smiled lamely after a sharp inhale and then chuckled. I relaxed on my side, exhaling sharply, taking the moment to just breathe like a regular human being. _I can breathe, oh God, I'm alive._ Chuckling at my unnecessary outburst, I replaced myself in the bed. _Well that was too human of me._ The pain was still throbbing, but that was okay. I had recollected myself. I could live with it.

_That was strange. I feel like I have just awoken from a nightmare._

My hand fell over my abdomen as pain suddenly erupted through my belly. It was more intense than the throbbing in my flesh, sharp like a twisting knife. I grunted as I leaned forward with fingers splayed across my abdomen. A sweat broke out over my forehead as the pain passed and I breathed deeply. _I don't remember anything that happened._ A dull, aching, ripple of the aftermath was still present to remind me that something was wrong there. I exhaled deeply and then leaned back again. I fell into a fluffy pillow with my eyes closed. _I have forgotten something._

"Stop moving, you were shot. You might rip the wounds back open." Namie scolded me like a small child. I didn't have to look to see the scowl on her face. Her arms were most likely crossed while she stood with her sassy hips swayed. She always liked to pretend she wasn't a skinny twig with no definition to her bones. The thought alone put me at ease. _At least she will never change. Thank God there is some predictability back in my life._ "I'm going to go get Shinra, don't move."

She moved quietly across the carpeted room like a ghost.

Eerie.

I sighed and reopened my eyes to assess the damage. Judging by the fact that I couldn't remember what happened, I was guessing that Shizu-chan finally got me. I also had this nagging feel that I had been near death, too. _The brute probably actually managed to hit me with one of those vending machines_. There was a sharp pain in both my neck and my chest. I glanced down, but a baggy black sweater was covering everything. Around my waist sat a thin fleece baby blue blanket that covered my lower half. I was probably in shorts or my boxers, one or the other. I was warm, but not too warm. _This was probably Celty's idea. __She is so motherly, and__ Shinra is bad for patient luxuries._ Moving seemed like too much work, so I simply decided to cast my gaze about me. With the sleeve pulled up to rest above my elbow, IV's were stringing out of my right arm like a cyborg and they were all hooked up to a monitor. My heart rate was going rather quickly still, the soft _beep_ of the machine not comforting me in any way. If anything, it stirred the remnants of panic in my chest. _Did I have a nightmare?_ Something felt off, dangerously off. But it wasn't important at the moment.

I needed answers?

_Wait. Did Namie say I was shot?_ Strength suddenly returned to me, and I used my left hand – which was bandaged at the wrist, I noticed – to pull open the front of the sweater. Sure enough, bandages were tightly wrapped around my chest, mostly over my left breast, and I could feel the restraints of the wrappings on my neck. From what I could see around the bandages, there were black and blue bruises littering my porcelain skin. A piercing throb pulsed in two areas underneath the scarlet stained binds. _Was I shot twice? Shizuo would have never..._

I swallowed thickly just as the door opened. My left hand lazily dropped down back beside me as Shinra walked in with a bright smile on his face. Namie was close on his heel, and she too seemed to be enthusiastic about something.

I cleared my throat. "Did I miss something?" My voice was incredibly hoarse. The motion itself made my throat hurt. I smiled at the raw pain and grunted in amusement. Whoever did this had done quite the number on me. _This is obviously not the work of Shizu-chan._

"Good afternoon, Izaya." Shinra seemed elated to come see me, and he plopped down in a dark cushioned chair just beside the cot – one of many. He had several of them for friends or stay-in patients. The room was plain, but more homey than a hospital. There was the cot I was on, and the chair Shinra was in. An end table to my right with a lamp, and a dresser half way across the room. It would have passed as a guest bedroom, had it not been for the medical equipment littered around me. I shifted in the cot, not sure if I should feel warm and welcomed or terrified and worried about this fact. I wasn't dying, was I? The cot shifted beneath my weight. I momentarily questioned it's sturdiness. "I see you're awake and moving about." Shinra Kishitani leaned in with a large grin. "How do you feel?"

Groaning, I smiled back. "I feel like I just got shot and then beat up by Shizu-chan." _And like I just had the worst nightmare of my life._ "Hm," I grinned in amusement, flashing my teeth and leaning my head towards him. I couldn't really explain why, but his presence made me feel so much better.

Shinra chuckled as he sat back in the chair. He was decked out in his regular lab coat – his love towards it rivalled the love I held for my fur jacket – and a pair of black jeans with a casual cotton blue shirt. _I wonder what day it is. It looks to be around noon? __He said it was the __afternoon__, but what time?_ I rolled my head away from Shinra to glance out the closed window pane. The sun was high in the sky and it was essentially cloudless.

_Thunder rumbled from the clashing grey clouds while it rained, letting the droplets drip down towards the Earth below. One by one they fell in a hissing assault, their speed accumulating as the night progressed through it's crying prelude._

I cringed and looked away.

"So, let's chat for a minute or two, shall we?" Shinra prompted in _that _voice. The tone would have been missed to the unfamiliar ear. While he sat casually and grinned like a dork, there had been just the slightest hint of seriousness that made my skin crawl. It wasn't the, _'You just got shot and we really need to talk about this'_ seriousness, it was the _'Izaya, you did something incredibly conceited that has impacted us all and now I need to scold you about your actions because you could have died'_ seriousness. We would probably cover both aspects, but I knew which would come first. My already faltering smile wavered and I glanced to Namie who seemed to get the message quite quickly.

She cleared her throat and turned to leave. "It's about time I should go check on your apartment." She said to me with her typical straight face. Dark, tired eyes met mine briefly before she turned away. I felt a pang in my heart. "Now that you're awake, you probably won't stay in that bed. I'll grab you some clothes for when I return. Until then, stay put."

Shinra sighed. "Izaya. You are staying in this bed for at least a week."

Namie chuckled as she closed the door behind her. She knew me better than that. My faltering grin corrected itself and I glanced over see Shinra's dramatic sigh. He also knew how I was, and we were all aware that keeping me in bed was going to be the hardest part of the recovery process. _I probably won't last two days here._

Shinra suddenly reached out. Gentle fingers touched my bandaged wrist and rolled my arm to get a better look at the IV that disappeared underneath the bindings. He gently moved the tube, glancing over his shoulder at the monitor every couple of seconds until he was satisfied with the position. A new beep started up, softer than my heart rate, and he leaned back and away from me. The task was pointless, and I knew he was stalling so he could collect his thoughts.

It was then that I realized both wrists had been broken. Mask still in place, I glanced up to meet searching auburn eyes. His gaze had hardened on me and I felt another pang in my chest. Knowing him, he could probably read my confusion and concern like I was an open book.

He cleared his throat.

"So. I might as well tell you what happened first." He said lightly. I nodded for him to go on. "So, what do you remember?"

I thought carefully._ Let's see..._ "It was Friday. April..." I struggled to remember what had happened. I remembered it being a Friday. I was doing an over night job, which had irritated me because Namie had a full day scheduled for the following morning, and the busiest day for face to face meetings were always Saturday. So it had to be a Friday. And it was... "April eighth."

Shinra nodded in approval. His arms had crossed over his chest as he waited for me to finish. _I have a feeling he is trying to gauge what to tell me based on what I know. So if I can't remember everything, will he leave stuff out?_ "Yeah, it was Friday, April eighth. I was doing an over night job for... a _client,_ so it could have been April ninth by then-"

"That's besides the point." Shinra waved his hand dismissively at me, well accustomed to my cheeky comments and observations. He settled his arms back down and watched me carefully as I pondered over my memories. There was a lot missing. "You were out and about during the night for a client, and then what happened?"

I blinked, glancing away. What did happened? Where did I go? Who did I go to see again? _When did I leave? What even happened that day, that morning?_

"It's okay." Shinra encouraged. My face had apparently contorted during my thought process for when it relaxed, I could feel creases in my skin. "I'll tell you what I know."

Nodding, I sighed once again. What Shinra knew would have to do. _I can't remember anything besides the date and time. Weird._

"You said you were meeting a client? Well, you ran into Shizuo on your way back home and you fled." Shinra's face remained stoic, "and then you ended up almost in Shinjuku, but you were stopped. I don't know who you were stopped by or why, but Shizuo called Celty after he ran into you, and then a shot went off, and Celty found you in an alley surrounded by a group of people. She showed up just in time, too."

Absurd. My eyebrows creased in confusion as to why my sworn _enemy_ would _save me_ after I was _shot. _Maybe it was because he had been shot before too, and understood the threat a bullet could have on ones' life. Maybe he was sympathizing. Who knew. There were two things I knew though._ Shizuo_ was completely unpredictable. And Shinra wasn't telling me everything. Because it didn't really make sense. The story didn't make sense.

"Is there more?"

Shinra seemed to gauge my question before speaking. "The first shot went into your chest. They were aiming for you heart, but you must have moved or been too far away. They missed and punctured your lung." That wasn't what I had asked. I glanced down at that comment. _So that explains the piercing throb in my chest. _Sighing, Shinra paused for a little bit too long. "Celty intercepted the second bullet. My poor beloved was in such a panic when she brought you here. A second later and that bullet would have went straight through your head." That _tone_ had returned to his voice and the hardness returned to his eyes. My neck lightly throbbed. _I almost died. _The distant feeling of fear settled into my lower abdomen and it made me uneasy._ The only thing I fear. I almost died._ I glanced down at my lap.

"You're lucky." Shinra's voice was stern. "But you won't be lucky forever, Izaya."

I rolled my eyes in an unconcerned fashion.

"Izaya Orihara, look at me."

Something about the sound of my full name made my stomach churn. I glanced meekly back to Shinra just to meet his unwavering gaze. I remained quiet.

"You are my friend, and I want to know that you're okay." Good old Shinra, always concerned, "Don't look so indifferent, this is _your life_ we are talking about. Think about your sisters. Me. Celty. Even Namie has a special sort of like for you. She has been nothing but cold since she got here, and even though she cold as ice, she has refused to leave even after I tried to kick her out! She was giving Celty such a hard time! She complained about the food! Our life styles! The way I was treating you! She even blatantly told Shizuo that if he ever threatened her pay cheque like this again, she would have him kidnapped and experimented on! She is so mean when talking about you but yet she refuses to leave! I mean, where did you even find this woman!?"

"That is all normal." I muttered with a slight grin, using the opportunity to look away. Shinra cleared his throat to end his rant and then smiled gently.

"But she stayed. She's not getting paid to stay here. She might ask you to pay her out of spite if you harass her enough, but money did not cross her mind this past week." He was in full lecture mode again. I dared not to interrupt him. "Even Shizuo has been by a few times. Apparently you guys got in a fight before the _incident_ and he actually feels a little bit guilty. I know how you like to play God and run everything – you are the biggest control freak and I am pretty sure it is a flaw – but you can't be so careless. Don't go looking for trouble Izaya, and I know you are a little bit more cautious than that. What do you even get out of screwing with people's lives?"

I assumed the question to be rhetorical. When he didn't speak for another thirty seconds, I cautiously glanced over to him.

He was definitely waiting for an answer.

I swallowed thickly. _What do I get out of it? _I looked away. "Pleasure."

It probably wasn't the answer Shinra was looking for, but he was going to have to accept it... or not.

"You feel pleasure for causing chaos and trouble?" Nodding in conformation, Shinra exploded back into his lecture, "I highly doubt what you feel is _pleasure._ Does it make you happy? Does it make you content and sated? Or does it make you frustrated that whatever you did wasn't perfect enough? That on a large scale, you have less control of everything, does that bother you?"

"There is always room for error." I interjected. I looked away again. I had no idea what he was trying to get at, but he wasn't even close to the truth. I had played Shiki. Members of the Awakusu. I had played the remnants of the Yagiri Pharmaceuticals group as well as foreign smugglers outside of Tokyo. They were all scheduled to meet and duel it out just for my insatiable pleasure. I wanted to see if Celty's head would respond to war. I needed a large scale war, larger than the last one to wake her up. But something obviously had gone wrong somewhere along the line. _Someone didn't follow the plan, or thought outside the box. I need to prevent this from happening in the future. I clearly need to draw tighter word games around every member of the war. It doesn't really matter now, I might be able to fix the broken pieces, but I'm worried about Shiki._

_He is probably the king who out-thought the chess master._

"See, you're plotting again!" Shinra snapped me out of my daze with a high pitched whine. "You either look entertained or frustrated when you plot. You're always scheming something, and I know you have fun and enjoy yourself most of the time, but are you actually happy?"

"Of course I'm happy." The words were out before I could rationalize them. _Am I actually?_ "Shinra, just cut straight to the point and say what you need to say." There was no way I would last even two days here.

"What I'm trying to say is, you know what? You almost died for good. And even though you say you are happy, you're not. You plot to entertain yourself, because once your plots are done, there's nothing left. You're unrequited love for humanity can't satisfy you. Maybe you should take this opportunity to kill Izaya the Underground Informant, and live a healthier, safer, Informant life." Shinra locked eyes with me. He was completely serious.

I burst out laughing. I laughed, even if it hurt his feelings. Even though it hurt my stomach and my chest. But I couldn't contain it. It rolled from my body in hysterical gasps. "Me? Safe?" I forced it to die into a chuckle – my sides really couldn't take the strain anymore – and I veered into silence.

Shinra didn't look impressed.

Instead of taking it to heart, he sighed dramatically and let his head fall back on to the chair. "Izaya, you're so difficult."

There was suddenly a light knock on the door and it was gently opened. Celty popped her helmeted head into the room and waved.

"Celty, my darling, you're back!" Shinra was out of his chair in a heart beat to greet his wife. They had gotten married only a few months after I left. Neither of them had seen a point in waiting, and I had been invited to the private ceremony, but, well. I had been too indulged in my _affairs._ I had seen pictures, and they had all been relatively beautiful. Celty's dress had been fashioned out of the old Celtic tradition. Beautiful was the word I still used to describe it. Even now, it brought a smile to my lips.

Celty approached me with her phone out so I could read her message.

[How are you feeling?]

Sighing, I threw Shinra a dirty look. "I would be feeling better if your _husband_ here hadn't just lectured me."

Celty's fingers were drilling out messages rapidly. [Good! You deserve to be lectured!] She moved closer to me, shoving the phone back in my face. Her calm demeanour had shifted violently, and it left my figuratively winded. [Do you know how worried we were!? I was so scared! There was so much blood!] She furiously typed out another, the black smoke from her being streaming out in angry huffs. [I have never seen you get hurt before! I was so worried! Stuff like that doesn't happen! Ever! Ever ever ever!]

I could see the smug smile form on Shinra's lips. I grinned impassively. "Celty, don't worry. Everything will be fine."

[Fine!?] She was shaking with furious emotion. [Izaya you are not indestructible! You are tiny! You are a tiny human being who can die!] Her next message was taken away by Shinra. His hand grasped hers as he confiscated the phone and grinned.

"I think we should let him rest. He's gotten quite the earful today."

Celty took her phone back with angry purpose and calmly typed out a new message.

[Shizuo is going to come by sometime this week to see you.] She turned to Shinra and nodded. He shrugged and then stretched as he made his way out of the room.

"I'll be waiting on the couch my lovely."

She turned back to me, message in hand. [I know about your fight. Shizuo won't talk to me about it but he admitted to breaking your wrists.] I glanced down, another memory slamming into my brain.

_I was pinned to the ground. Sharp, wet rocks were digging into my back as I was pushed into the gravel._

[I think he feels responsible that you couldn't fight back when that group confronted you. He chased them off, he showed up just after me. He was mad! He was so mad! It took us all night to calm him down!] She started to type more, but then erased it. Tapping the chin of her helmet, she finally found the right words.

I read the message and then scoffed, glancing back towards the window.

She silently left the room.

I laid back down to rest again. If I wanted to get out of here as fast as possible, then I would need my sleep. I couldn't help but fear irritated by Celty's last text, and unknowingly, the words would haunt me for the next week.

_[He has glimpsed past your masks.]_


	6. Chapter Six

_Was that... my old house?_

_I stood on the front lawn to what I assumed had been the house I had grown up in. It looked exactly like it, after all. Small, but not too small. White, but not too white. One of those average houses where average humans lived and raised their average families. But that was besides the point. The grass was chilled and wet beneath the soles of my feet, mud seeping between my bare toes. It was a shocking contrast to the searing hot flames on my face as they licked the black sky above. I shivered, torn between hot and cold._

"_... Mom?"_

_The air was sharp, white puffs leaving my mouth rather rapidly. My teeth chattered together and I momentarily glanced down, as if to clear away what I had just seen. I found myself wrapping my arms around me in an attempt to keep myself warm. It was almost painful. I curled into myself, possibly for comfort. I was in nothing more than a thin long sleeve and some baggy jogging pants. Suddenly, this struck me as odd. Why was I dressed like this again? Why did all of this feel so... weird? And surreal?_

"_Izaya!"_

_Back to the situation at hand. I glanced back up instantly, recognizing my mothers voice. I swallowed thickly, realizing that what I had been seeing was really what was happening. Sure, I had hoped that maybe I was dreaming, but I couldn't take that chance. Not with my family burning inside of my house._

"_... Mom?" She was standing in the doorway.. The flames danced around her while her hands sat on the shoulders of two striking preteen girls. Twins. My sisters. Fire was exploding from all of the windows on both the main and second floor. The roof had already been engulfed. It would only be a matter of minutes until the walls collapsed upon themselves. I shivered, torn between rushing in and forcing them to come out with me, and remaining still. What was I supposed to do? Why weren't they trying to escape? Why were they just standing there?_

_Wait. Weren't Mairu and Kururi just starting high school? They're teenagers... not preteens..._

_Confused, I took a step forward, my numb feet finding a new patch of slick mud. It sent a chill straight up my spine. I ignored the slimy texture as I sauntered closer; but not too close. I still wasn't sure. I knew what I felt, and the feeling that rose in my chest was peculiar. Foreign. I needed to get them out of the house. And soon. With one hand raised to shade my eyes from the bright yellow and red flames, I reached out a hand hopefully so that my mother or sisters would take it. "Come outside." I said it a little more commandingly than I had intended._

_Mairu shook her head, a devious grin spreading across her face. "No, Iza-nii. You don't belong in here." Kururi nodded in agreement, their arms wrapping around my mother. Something I never did as a child. Mom just smiled, sadly, like she did when she knew I was lying. It was one of those looks. Disappointment. Indifference. Possibly regret._

_My father appeared in the doorway then, wrapping an arm around my mothers waist while slapping the other on Mairu's shoulder. In his eyes, I could see disappointment. Did I miss something? "She's right. Izaya-san. You don' belong here." He was smiling, despite the fact that there were flames spewing from the doorway. They were all smiling... so eerily and brightly, like they didn't care they would burn. Like it didn't matter..._

"_Wait." I took a step back, retracting my hand as I did. Conclusions were being drawn in my brain, and I couldn't help the flutter in my chest. "No..." My parents were still smiling, hands wrapped around each other. "I don't belong where!?" And in the fire behind them, there was a pair of black eyes. Ovular and slitted, they seemed to manifest out of the flames itself. I felt a tremble run through me for the briefest of seconds._

"Izaya..."_A voice boomed from within, sending a pulse throughout the house and exploding the fire into a monster.__ I took a few more rapid steps backwards almost slipping on the slick lawn. I knew that voice. __My stomach had dropped out of my body, along with my heart and my lungs. I suddenly forgot how to breath, how to move properly, how to function and think straight.__ Who was he!? __There had to be somewhere I could run to, __someway to escape__. __The voice was incredibly familiar, but I couldn't put a name or face to it. Perhaps I had only talked to him on the phone? But even then... a client would never be able to make me feel so... terrified..._ "Don't look so scared. They never mattered to you anyway. They are right where they belong; where you don't. It would be better if you let the memories burn."

_Maybe... they didn't matter to me... But that wasn't true! I turned on my heel and ran. I needed to leave. I needed to get away. Because they had mattered! I just couldn't... I had to pretend... My job didn't allow me... My job... My personality... I really got lost in myself..._

"_Ahhh!" Struggling to breathe, I finally slipped. I fell to the ground faster than I had anticipated, my face very nearly smashing into ground at full force. I managed to catch myself, fingers sliding into the mud. The sensation made me sick. Glancing up in a hurry, I rolled to support myself on one elbow, glaring over my shoulder. "Who are you!?"_

_But I stopped, frozen solid._

_Standing above me were two men, faces shrouded by hoods. They were wearing black sweaters and casual black jeans, hands shoved into their pockets. They looked harmless at first glance, but their only features alone set off alarm bells in my mind. A set of piercing blue eyes shone from beneath one hood, while a menacing scar ran down what I could see of the others face and jaw. I instantly recognized them both._

_Yagiri Pharmaceuticals and Awakusu-Kai._

"_Wait," I raised a hand in defence, ducking my head as memories flooded my senses. Running through an alley. Getting cornered. Being shot..._

"_There's no time for that." One voice said, the gruff voice of Ansen Hajime, from the broken Yagiri group. He shook his head, stopping my thoughts dead in their tracks. "You might as well not panic about the shooting right now. You'll be panicking about it in a few minutes." He shrugged nonchalantly a smile growing and twisting the scar on his face. A gun was pulled from his pocket and cocked at my chest. "How does it feel, to remember everything? To remember who I am? To know now what you didn't know then?"_

_I suddenly felt sick to my stomach. I refused to move. To show any form of weakness._

"_You can't be here." The other, Akira Kai, pulled out his own piece and aimed it for my forehead. He wasn't smiling, but the hues of his eyes were laughing at me. Mocking me. He had damn well enjoyed shooting me the first time, and I knew he would enjoy it this time._

_Again._

_I felt my blood run cold. My saliva froze in my throat, and I didn't bother to consider why the house and all of the flames disappeared. Why my family disappeared. Because once again, I was putting myself first. Putting my needs and wants first. Wasn't that how I had gotten into this mess anyway? How could I forget such crucial information, like the fact that both Akira Kai and Ansen Hajime had been two of my most important pawns? They had been the main pieces to the game. And in my misguided reality, I had screwed up. I had been so caught up with the chess pieces that I forget they only represented real human beings._

_And real human beings had the capability of figuring me out._

_I remained still, wide brick brown eyes staring at the guns level with my body. I couldn't think straight. Because this couldn't be happening again. It had to be a dream. It was a dream, right? Swallowing audibly, I met the eyes of both men, one after another._

_I flinched when one of them moved. Ansen dropped forward, falling to his knees over my body in a rather intimidating way. I cringed, pressing my legs closer together as he rested the majority of his weight on my thighs. He was larger, maybe Shizuo's height, but bulky. And heavy. "Get off of me." I said lowly in warning. I felt panic well up in my chest, but I refused to let it show. Akira chuckled, Ansen merely stared down with a malicious grin._

"_You should be happy that this is as far as it goes... for now..." I felt a sweat break out on my forehead as Ansen pressed the glock into my chest. "What are you scared of more? Death, or Hell?"_

_Stunned, I kept quiet. My eyes went wide for my subconscious seemed to understand. _Death, or Hell?

"_Or, has Hell become death?"_

_My eyebrows knitted together in confusion._

_Why couldn't I understand?_

_Feeling a little bit trapped, I did the worst thing possible. The only thing I really knew how to do in difficult situations. I opened my mouth. And my voice, strong as ever, almost convinced even me. "Death may or may not also be Hell, thus merging the two concepts together. And with both concepts merged together, you can't be scared of them separately. So theoretically I can't pick and answer, because I am alright with either option as long as I keep existing."_

_There was laughter, cutting off my ramble. Taking in a shaky breath, I glanced at the two men as they exchanged knowing looks. Grins twisted their faces like demons and I couldn't help but shudder. Like they were sharing an inside joke. And I was the punch line. My stomach dropped at the teasing idea that maybe, there was more to my story than everyone was telling me._

"_Izaya..." I glanced up just as the guns were repositioned; one just over my heart and one against my forehead. Two clicks later and I had my eyes squeezed shut. I reconsidered my answer, and decided that I didn't like it._

"_Wake up, Orihara."_

I awoke with a start, violently sitting up from the cot and practically jumping out of my skin. There was a soft curse as I somehow found myself standing, grabbing onto the nearest object in an attempt to steady myself. I gasped, the world spinning white and blurry just as a set of gentle hands found my upper arms. Disoriented, I jerked back, instantly slapping them away. "Don't... touch me!" Hysterically breathing, I whirled on my attacker, almost falling in the process. _Don't think just run._ As absurd as it sounded, that was literally my thought process. I took a step back, eyes narrowed, breath heaving. My heart was racing in my chest. A blur of white and green moved towards me, and just as I raised my hands to defend myself or strike...

_Slap!_

Blinking, I realized that my head had snapped to the right and I was staring at my shoulder. _What?_ Turning my neck back into it's proper position, I stared wide eyed at an angry looking Namie and a flustered looking Shinra. I put a hand to my cheek as a soft sting began to rise from the irritated skin. Namie suddenly shifted, crossing her arms over her chest and narrowing cold eyes. She was wearing a different green sweater than normal; this one had a hood. Her hair was pushed back from her face in an annoyed matter, and she tapped her foot rather irritably. "It's unfortunate to have you back." She said sourly.

But there was a slight quirk to her lips.

I blinked, lowering my arms, which had been raised almost in front of my face in a defensive gesture. _I'm just at Shinra's. It's okay. No one's trying to kill me._ Slightly confused, I awkwardly shifted back over to the cot before sitting down gently. I took in a steady but shaky breath, tempted to drop my head into my hands, before glancing up to Shinra. _What happened?_ Besides having a nightmare and remembering the fact that I had been gunned down in a back alley like a rabid dog. "What..."

"Are you good? You were making a bunch of noise in your sleep, I thought you were having a seizure or something!" Shinra waved his arms before he shoved his way past Namie to grip me by my shoulders. I tensed, glaring up at him. "Did you have another nightmare?" He shook me lightly. His brown eyes were wide behind the glasses, and I momentarily wondered if something bad had happened.

I decided to ignore his questions. "Why is Namie in here?" I asked, mood souring rather quickly. I flashed her a quick look, seeing her normal cold expression return the glare.

Shinra lifted his hands from me, dramatically shrugging. "She seems to think her former occupation allows her to know more about your condition than I do," he leaned forward with a grin, raising a hand like he wanted to whisper without her hearing, "so I am letting her play doctor. It makes her happy."

Namie's face darkened, and I almost laughed. Namie playing doctor. That was an uncomfortable thought.

"Now, back to the matter at hand. You've been awake here, how long? Four or five days?" Crossing his arms, he grabbed his chin. He seriously contemplated it before I waved him to continue. Shrugging once again, he moving on. "You've had nightmares every night. Are they all the same?"

I blinked, suddenly feeling like Shinra was holding me under a magnifying glass. I plastered a fake grin to my face, keeping my masks in check. "And what if they were?"

"Then it means your traumatized and I finally have a legitimate excuse to send you to therapy." Shinra beamed, "Maybe they can assist you with you borderline psychotic behaviour... while helping with your trauma too, of course."

I knew he was teasing, but I still couldn't help but feel slightly irritated. The smile remained however. "I'm not borderline psychotic, and what you just said is technically 'changing' as opposed to 'helping'. I do not wish to change myself, and I do not wish to go to therapy, okay?"

Shinra chuckled. "So, you're saying that you don't want to go to therapy for help with your trauma, because it will change you, and you are happy with who you are now, trauma included?"

I clicked my tongue. Damn Shinra and his witty comebacks and technicalities. I decided to push the conversation along the original path. I glanced to Namie, not exactly liking the fact that she was still present. The less she knew, the less she could black mail me. "The dream was different. It was different this time."

Shinra nodded, seemingly unphased by the shift in topic. "No therapy then?"

"No." I sent him a glare before taking a breath. "No therapy."

Namie scoffed clearly hoping I'd agree. "I have some things to check up on. I just dropped by to make sure you weren't dead." She eyed me critically, "You should probably get up though. It might do you some good." And with that, she whirled on her heel and stalked over to the door without even a goodbye.

_She's moodier than usual. Whatever could she have to do, beside stalking her brother?_

"She's mighty considerate, don't you think?" Shinra was grinning as he watched my secretary leave the room with a huff.

I rolled my eyes and slowly stood up, stretching my arms over my head. My muscles stretched almost painfully, joints cracking here and there. Maybe it wold be a good idea to get up and walk around. Maybe shower, and eat? I could surf the net and catch up with my work, that would be good too.

I blinked, suddenly remembering what had occurred in my dream.

Akira Kai and Ansen Hajime. Right. My face darkened. _Well. Looks like I have a new game to __start __play__ing__._

"I know that face and no. No you will not be doing any work or plotting here." Shinra dragged me back from my mini daydream by grabbing my forearm gently. His voice, however, was stern and unrelenting, "Like Namie said. You should get up. Move around. Sleeping all the time can't be good for you. Rather. It _isn't_ good for you!" He said rather loudly, pulling me towards the door. I groaned in response, to which he sent me a stern glance.

Walking was so _tiring. _My body felt heavy, and I wanted nothing more than to stop and sit down.

"Are you hungry? It's been almost a day since I stopped giving you supplements." I shrugged in annoyance at the mere thought of it. Shinra had dosed me with vitamins and nutrients that my body probably hadn't consumed in years. They had made me feel sick, amongst other things. That situation was caused by the fact that I had refused to eat after waking up. The notion of it had me so anxious that I couldn't actually do it. "Namie was whining this morning about how I 'clearly am no good of a physician,' because I 'don't know basic nutrition'. I can't believe that woman... she has done nothing but bicker and complain about everything! She doesn't like my coffee. She doesn't like my couch. She doesn't like the medication I want to prescribe to you. She doesn't like the way I treat people. She doesn't like Celty. She doesn't like Shiz-"

"Shinra." I said a second too soon. _Was he about to say Shizuo?_ Didn't matter. He was rambling again and I couldn't help but groan. He stepped out of the bedroom, pulling me with him. I had no choice but to follow. "Can you let go of my arm? I can walk with my own two legs you know. You know, _homo sapiens_ are basically the only species to-"

"Izaya." It was Shinra's turn to stop me from rambling. I smirked. Point proven. He grinned in return, dropping my arm and continuing his way down the hall. "So how about some breakfast?"

"How about some coffee?" I asked instead, making my way into the living room. I had to eat eventually; I just wasn't hungry.

I froze.

There on the couch, was Shizuo Heiwajima.

He was wearing his usual attire; that stupid get up his brother had sent him. I kind of wanted to send him normal street clothes, addressed from his brother, so he'd at least look a little more stylish than _that. _I was almost tempted to look away and just ignore him like he didn't exist, but alas. This was Shizuo Heiwajima. I needed to keep an eye on him, especially since he was currently occupying the same room as me. His eyes met mine.

"Shizu-chan." I tried to keep my voice light, playful even. The usual tone I used with him. A hand pressed against my stomach almost automatically as apprehension washed over me. _I don't really want to deal with you right now_. "Fancy seeing you here." And then I casually strutted across the living room, being as dramatic about it as I could, and plopped down on the opposite side of the couch from him.

He grunted, rolling his eyes. "It's real fancy."

I chuckled, rubbing my belly. Maybe I shouldn't have fallen like that? There was a strange pressure sitting between my hips and I couldn't help but fidget. Glancing first to the brute to make sure he hadn't noticed my discomfort, and then to the TV, I couldn't help but wonder what is was that an animal like him would watch. It was still a commercial, after all.

And awkward silence settled over us. Shinra was still in the kitchen, taking his sweet time in pouring some coffee. I decided to temporarily entertain myself. "Whatever are you watching, _Shizu-chan?"_ I made sure to emphasize his name, earning a twitch in his temple.

"There will be none of that." Shinra quickly made his way back over. He stood in front of me, blocking my view from the television. Handing me a mug of coffee, he slapped my wrist before I could take it. I pouted, grabbing the handle harder than necessary. "Don't agitate him. And don't drink that coffee too fast. You need to eat real food with it. So what do you want?"

I gave him my best smile. "My stomach actually seems to be a little upset right now." And for added effect I rubbed my stomach. Something was doing somersaults and it was upsetting my entire system. "How about we talk abut it after I finish this?" I raised the mug with a grin.

Shinra didn't take the bait. He crossed his arms and the smile on his face became strained. "Or we can talk about it now, because your stomach is probably upset over the fact that you haven't eaten anything solid since you've woken up. It's been nothing but coffee and supplements and juice. You're going to pass out." He nodded, before glancing over to Shizuo. "And you know. I could always play dirty..."

"You wouldn't." But I knew he would. He would ask Shizuo – probably pay him even – to force me to eat. To spoon feed me, to shove it down my throat, whatever was needed. My stomach gurgled at the thought and in response to Shinra, I took a sip of the black coffee.

Just the way I liked it.

"We both know that he would, and I wouldn't pass p a chance to see you squirm." Shizuo said, even though I had already determined that fact for myself. He didn't look my way, but I could tell that he was rather irritated by the situation. More so by the fact that I was being stubborn.

I scoffed, drinking more coffee. _This isn't sitting well._ Rubbing my stomach, I set down the mug. Shinra broke out into a gin at this, stepping away from the coffee table and headed back to the kitchen. "So will that be some toast?"

I only grumbled in response, my eyes distracted by what Shizuo was watching on TV. Who would have thought that Shizuo would be into documentaries? I chuckled as they began to show ancient ship wrecks in the ocean. "So. Shizu-chan, why are you here?"

Because honestly. There was no reason for him to be.

He glanced over to me with a scowl, before turning back to the TV. "You know, Shinra's my friend too."

I nodded._ Nice choice of words, there._ Something Celty had said the day I had woken up – the only day I had seen her, actually – suddenly popped up in my brain, and I couldn't help but smile. "So you're here because you feel guilty, right?"

Judging by the look he shot me, I was surprised that I hadn't been jumped. He practically flashed his teeth at me like the animal I accuse him of being. A tingle worked it's way down into the pit of my stomach, and I suddenly felt sick.

Very sick.

Before I knew it, both of my hands were pressing into my stomach.

"Now, now, behave yourselves." Shinra stalked over with a plate in one hand and a coffee cup with his own name on it in the other. He shot Shizuo a dirty look before handing me the plate. I hesitated, aggressively locking eyes with Shinra before I gingerly took it and placed it on the coffee table. This wasn't defeat. "Best behaviour, you two." He said as he bravely sat himself down between us. He seemed rather proud about something. "Shizuo, if you're going to stay, don't hurt him or break anything."

There was a grumble from the other end of the couch.

"And Izaya," he glanced over to me, probably because I hadn't even glanced at the plate. "Eat."

Lying back with my hands casually clasped over my belly, I glanced down. Sitting on the glass plate was two slices of white bread, and what looked like margarine slathered all over it. I chuckled, shaking my head. "No can do. That looks disgusting."

Shinra glanced over to me with_ that_ look. The 'don't start with me' look.

Grinning, I strongly met his gaze. "So anyway. Where has Celty been?"

The question seemed to through him off because he suddenly looked displaced. "Eh? What do you mean! My darling comes home every night and goes to work every morning! She's been here! You've just been too busy sleeping and complaining and refusing my help!"

I chuckled, knowing very well that the Dullahan was spending more time away from home than normal. "Oh? I haven't seen her, and I am up every other hour." I was prodding him and he knew it. "Awh, did you two have a lovers quarrel?"

Shizuo growled from the other end of the couch, and the volume suddenly got turned up on the TV. "Stop being so nosey and loud."

"My dearest Celty and I never fight! Don't think you can distract me!" Shinra shook his head, pointing at the plate. "Eat, or I'll hook you up to a feeding machine and sedate you so you can't pull it out!"

"That's just mean." I rubbed my belly, eyeing the food warily. "What if I can't stomach it?" Because really, that was the question that had me a little nervous. My stomach wasn't feeling too great, and the idea of eating was sounding rather... risky.

Shinra sighed, throwing me an unmoving stare. "If you can't, then we'll find an alternative. It's just bread, I'm sure it will be fine. You need to eat something before your body gives out on you. So, either eat now or suffer later. Which would you prefer?"

I groaned, shifting again. I was just hurting myself if I didn't do it, right? I was Izaya Orihara. I shouldn't feel nervous about something as simple as eating.

We had a miniature staring contest, before Shizuo threw my a dirty look. He would have so much fun, trying to force feed me... "I supposed a bite won't hurt me." Even if it was margarine, which would probably kill me off before starvation, I guess a little bite or two couldn't do much damage. I grabbed the plate, setting it atop my skinny thighs. It really was in my best interest, or so I kept telling myself. The faster I got my strength back, the sooner I could leave.

Especially after the threat of a feeding tube.

Shinra visibly beamed as I began tearing at the bread so that I could just pick at the small pieces. No one paid me any mind as I mutilated my food. Shizuo wasn't even looking my way, and I secretly wondered why he was even still here. _Does he really feel that guilty?_ I made a face at the slimy substance on my fingers before popping a piece of toast in my mouth. _Shit._ I really hated margarine.

I made a face.

Something flipped in my stomach area, but it was gentle enough that I decided to ignore it. It didn't feel like my stomach was upset, it felt more like _something_ was irritated in general. _I wonder if I should mention the pressure. I don't think it's normal._ There was still an awkward tension between my hips, and I couldn't help but squirm uncomfortably. I caught Shinra staring, no questioning that he was medically determining if there was something wrong with me. He had such a ridiculous fascination.

Not that I'm really one to talk.

I forced another piece of toast in my mouth. "See. I'm eating. Now stop bothering me about it." I reached forward, grabbing my coffee mug and taking a sip. A small growl rumbled through my stomach, alerting me to the fact that I was hungry. _Starving_. Swallowing a mouthful, I ditched the coffee back on the table and began to pick at the toast at a relatively hurried fashion.

"Don't eat too fast." Shinra was grinning like an idiot. I felt a little bit bested, not that I'd ever admit it to his face. "And see. Doctor knows best." He shrugged, earning a small chuckle from Shizuo.

"At least the damn louse is eating." Shizuo groaned, before glancing back to the show. He remained quiet after, clearly happier with silence. He sighed, before glancing to his phone. "I have to go to work soon." He glanced to Shinra and then eyed me suspiciously. Not that I really noticed. I was too busy shoving the toast into my mouth to really respond or care.

"If you see Celty, make sure you stop and talk to her, alright?" Shinra said. Not suspiciously at all. Like Celty wasn't upset and avoiding the house or anything. _I wonder what's going on._ I polished off the plate, picking it up to grasp the last piece of bread. My stomach felt good, happy, full. It had been a while, and I hadn't realized just how deprived my body had been-

I suddenly dropped the plate on my lap, staring at it with wide eyes. My fingers were hovering in the air, and I could see that they were shaking. I couldn't move. Couldn't speak.

"Izaya?" Shinra glanced over at me with a questioning look.

I grabbed the plate and dropped it on the coffee table, like getting it as far away from me would help. Were my knees shaking too? That was weird.

"Izaya?" Shinra reached out, putting a hand on my shoulder. I could even feel Shizuo's stare on me. "Don't be so dramatic."

I swallowed hard as my stomach did a viscous flip. I felt mocked, betrayed even. I glanced up and meeting honey just before I hurled.

Once. Twice. Three times.

There was hand on my back, rubbing circles as I gasped. My body shuddered, and I jerked away from the touch, dry heaving over the floor again. My head had fallen between my knees, and my fingers were tangled up in my hair. What happened? Did I really deserve this? I coughed, feeling bile rise in the back of my throat.

Well. There went my breakfast of champions. _Damn margarine._

"You good?" Shinra was kneeling beside me as I inhaled ragged breaths. He had taken his hands off me in favour of pushing the dangerously close coffee mug further away from the edge. I could feel that Shizuo was still staring, and my face heated up at the sensation. Of all times for the brute to be here, I had to suddenly get sick? Not too mention, Shinra's carpet was awfully light.

If it stained, I'd never hear the end of it.

"Yeah. I'm good." I whispered, rubbing my hands into my face. "No more toast." I chuckled before sitting up with my eyes covered. I rested my elbows on my knees and held my face. I rubbed the tears out from the corners of my eyes.

Shinra was silent, and so was I momentarily. My hands splayed over my stomach, which apparently wasn't finished with what it had started. I was feeling really light headed and spacey. I glanced over to Shinra, hoping I could convey what I was feeling. The doctor was glancing to the mess on the ground, concern suddenly shifting into a more serious acknowledgement.

I closed my eyes, wiping my mouth with my hand. My stomach groaned in protest once again, and I forced back the need to dry heave. But other than that, it looked like the worst was over. I was good, right?

"Izaya,"

I glanced down to the mess more accidentally than intentionally. Red, _unsafe_ amounts of red, stained the carpet, and Shinra was reaching up to me. I quickly glanced to my hand, noticing that blood was streaked across it from wiping off my mouth. I suddenly held the limb away from me like it was contaminated. Slightly panicked eyes glanced back over to Shinra who was now standing. "Why am I..." _Why is there so much blood?_

A wave of sickness washed over me and I gagged, dirty hand covering my mouth as I leaned forward again.

"Shizuo, grab a bowl or something!" Shinra was standing safely to my side, grabbing my shoulders, "Izaya. Can you lay down, or are you going to throw up again?"

I removed my hand, breath shaky. "What is-" I cringed as a sharp pain set into my gut. Wrapping my arms around my stomach, I hurled a fourth time, more violently than before. And there went all of the toast. Face dropping to my knees, I gasped for breath. _What is going on?_ The pressure between my hips only increased, and I momentarily wondered if I was internally bleeding. "Shinra – here-"

I sat up, hands pressing into my stomach. My current concern was the fact that I might _die_ from recovery compilations after a bunch of people tried to _kill_ me. The mere thought pissed me off, but not enough to override the pain that suddenly blossomed from within. A sharp cry was all it took to have Shizuo Heiwajima jumping up like a spooked cat, and Shinra shoving me over none too gently as he grabbed the hem of my shirt.

"How does it hurt?" His cool hand ran over my skin, thumbs gently prodding at my hard abdomen.

I couldn't exactly answer him, so I opted just to gasp instead. It felt like I was being torn apart from inside. Little, sharp, piercing pains shot through my entire system, and they all came from the pressure settled between my hips. I grabbed onto his hand when a particularly nasty pinch came, silently screaming. A hand slapped over half of my face as I endured the onslaught.

I hadn't been prepared for this. I never signed up for any of this, and to Hell and back again if I was eating or even looking at toast the same way.

I was breathing hard when the pain ceased. A sweat had broken out on my forehead, and I suddenly felt tired. My heart was beating erratically like I had just clear across Tokyo with Shizuo chasing me through the streets. My stomach was empty once again, and the _disturbance_ had finally settled down. _Did that happen just because I ate?_ I let out a soft exhale, relieved that the pain was ebbing away. My hands rubbed at my bare stomach like I could rid myself of the experience.

"Are you good?" Shinra asked cautiously, looking me over with his eyes before crossing an arm and rubbing his chin. Pondering. He seemed confused, and that had me worried. If the most obsessed, biological doctor couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, then I was looking forward to one nasty road to recovery.

Shinra abruptly hovered over me when I started coughing. "Shizuo, can you carry him into the bedroom?" He was pulling me into a sitting position, just in case I threw up again.

Shizuo seemed to hesitate, before coming to my aide silently. He loomed over me, before bending over and quickly scooping me up and into his arms like a puppy.

"Wait!" I almost screeched as I was effortlessly hoisted into the air. Air rushed past my face as I gasped from the sudden movement, the _too quick_ movement. I grabbed onto the front of Shizuo's shirt out of reflex, realizing for the first time that Shizuo was actually _really freaking tall. _To my complete irritation, I curled into him, the motion sending my stomach into a fit. "Don't-"

"Shut up." And suddenly we were moving quickly across Shinra's flat. I squeezed my eyes shut again, and may have heard Shinra chuckle. Whether it was the fact that Shizuo didn't want to be caught with me in his arms, or the fact that I apparently stunk to him, we made it to the bedroom rather quickly. "You're always so difficult." And he almost dumped me onto the bed without a second thought. He still had to be somewhat gentle, after all, so the landing from being dropped was much softer than I had first thought it would be.

Shinra was there right away, grabbing at my shirt and pushing it back up. Feeling rather _awkward,_ I shot Shizuo a dirty look while Shinra placed his hands here and there, pushing and prodding like he expected to find something solid or alien.

I rubbed my face, wiping the sweat away. "Shinra, I feel fine. I'm okay now." I threw an arm over my eyes so I didn't have to see anyone. I felt too exposed.

Silence.

I heard Shizuo shift, and then a few seconds later, Shinra's hand were removed. He fixed my shirt, and I timidly dropped my arm to glance at his face. He seemed puzzled but focused. His brain was turning over my symptoms and their possible causes. He was probably coming up empty though.

After a few seconds, he sighed, stalking over to me and dropped a hand on my forehead. I doubted I had a fever. "I don't think there's any internal bleeding." He said quietly. "I'll do a few tests to be sure, but. I'm." He sighed, looking away. "You might have to go see a specialist or get a full body scan. Next time, we'll try a hot pack. I'm not sure what that was, but I'll try and find something easier for you to eat in the mean time."

I stared at him, secretly shocked. _That might happen again?_

He suddenly turned to Shizuo, crossing his arms. With a sigh, he said "You're going to be late for work."

"Shit!" Shizuo suddenly pulled out his phone, checking the time. "Fuck, sorry. I got to go." He practically ran from the room, pausing in the doorway. Turning awkwardly, his eyes met mine briefly. "You take it easy, and stay out of Shinra's hair." He was unnecessarily threatening about it.

I chuckled in response and he left the room in a hurry. Shinra turned back to me, scratching his head. He waited until the front door slammed to speak to me. "Is there... something else you want to tell me?"

My stomach dropped. I wasn't sure why, but I felt the nausea return and a tremble started in my fingertips. I shook my head because no, there wasn't anything else that happened. I got shot, not beat. That was it.

Shinra sighed, placing his hands on his hips. "Well. I'll run a few tests, but it might just be a temporary thing. Get some sleep."

I sighed, feeling too drained to argue for once. I leaned back, pulling the blanket closer just in case I needed it. "Just make sure I don't die in my sleep, okay?"

Shinra chuckled humorlessly. "I'll be here if anything happens."


	7. Chapter Seven

_It was hot. Too hot for me to still be alive._

"_Izaya."_

_Voices were calling my name from every single direction. Some male, some female, some older while others sounded younger._

"_Your responsibilities. We are your responsibility."_

_I was surrounded by darkness. My body was floating aimlessly like a bubble inside of this darkness. I twisted and turned my head in a vain attempt to see anything, but alas, there was nothing to be seen. The sensation of being afloat went straight to my stomach. I gripped it, feeling slightly sick. _This feels so familiar.

"_I'm going to fall." I could remember this part of the dream – every dream. This dream had plagued me for the first few nights. The dream that teases me with the information of what happened. What truly happened to me. But why? Why did it change last night? It always started out with floating and that was always followed up by falling. Where I landed in every dream was a mystery to me; I still couldn't remember those details. So why did it change?_

_And just as expected, I suddenly fell._

"_Izaya!"_

_I gasped and shortly after, my knees smashed into something solid. Celty was calling out to me as I landed in the middle of a ring of fire. The flames were hot against my skin and I felt a shiver run down my spine. It made me uncomfortable. Her voice was that of what I assumed it to be. Medium pitch for a woman with a slight rasp to it. It came from every which direction in a high screech. Why was she calling for me anyway? What was happening? Where was I?_

_The ground beneath me was black. Shadows encircled my wrists and slowly crept up my arms like they were trying to pull me back to the real world. Out of the dream, or the nightmare, and back to the realm of the living. They were quivering and curling about my forearms as they painfully dug into my flesh. I could feel them tugging and tearing at my skin, frantically trying to hold on. Whimpering, I let them drag me amongst the shadows._

"_Izaya!" Her shadowed coils disappeared with a scream. A sweat broke out on my forehead instantly. My stomach dropped and my chest constricted. I vaguely knew what this feeling was. _Fear.

"Celty?"

_I reached out into the darkness with one shaking hand. "Celty don't leave me!"_

_She had saved me. She had been the only one who could save me, and for that I owed her. I respected her. She had saved me from my greatest fear; Death. Ironic really, that a Celtic death God had saved me from my own death, but the details didn't matter. All that mattered was that I was supposed to live._

_But why did she let go now?_

"_Izaya, did you forget?"_

_A familiar voice called out to me. It was heavy and incredibly masculine. It was deeper than Shizuo's with enough malice to send a shiver straight to my gut. My eyes darted about but it was no use. I couldn't see anything besides the flames and pitch blackness. Nothing reflected from the light, no silhouettes or hints of living beings. I was still floating and I felt nervous, uneasy._

"_I have forgotten." I said quietly. Somewhere deep inside of me, I knew I had forgotten something important. I clutched at my wrists protectively like they held the answers. My body was shaking despite the smoldering heat radiating from the flames. Sweat rolled down my forehead in a dramatic gesture while my eyes stung. I refrained from wiping it away._

"_Ask nicely, and maybe I will tell you."_

_I knew that voice, but at the same time, I knew that the voice wasn't real. It wasn't really a voice because it wasn't really a person. It wasn't human._

_I would know. I love humans after all, and humans only._

_Swallowing thickly, I called out in a hushed whisper, "Please tell me the important things I have forgotten." It seemed to be the only way. I had forgotten important information and I knew I would never get it back by myself. I needed help. It was justified to ask for help once in a while, right?_

_I couldn't explain the shaking that wracked my body – it was so unlike me. I also couldn't place the ominous feeling that was swirling in my abdomen as the flames died down into nothing more than extinguished shadows._

_An icy breeze swept over my thin frame and I shivered in the prolonged silence. I was seconds away from calling out again when I felt the shadowed coils wrap back around my arms. They clung desperately to me like I was the only thing keeping them grounded, and for the same reason, I gripped them back, hoping they would save me from my Hell._

"_Here are your memories."_

My eyes opened but my body didn't jerk into a sitting position.

For the first time in over a week, I woke up without panicking from my nightmares.

I stared at the ceiling for a moment as I blinked away the bleariness. Not a thought drifted across my mind. I sat up calmly and threw my legs over the side of the cot in an easy movement. No pain rippled from my chest or neck from the motion. The wounds were nothing more than history by that point.

My toes touched the warm carpet below and I shivered. Hanging my head, I squeezed my eyes shut as an invisible pressure weighed me down. It felt malicious and heavy and dark. My fingers tightened around the blanket underneath my hips as a cold pressure sunk into my stomach.

_Shizu-chan, behind Russia sushi._

I slipped from the side of the cot and padded softly across the floor. I had traveled the same path almost every morning since the nightmares had started; since I had woken up at Shinra's. I would wake up any time from four to seven, but judging from how dark it was, I would say it was easily three in the morning. But those temporarily weren't important details.

This time I knew that my trip to the bathroom would be different.

I would walk out different.

I wrapped my hands around my stomach as I shivered lightly with my eyes downcast. All of the information was back in my brain where it was supposed to be. It was all there; I could feel it. But at the same time, I wasn't sure if I was ready to – or even wanted to – revisit my death.

I reached shakily for the handle of the door, pulling it open just to pause.

_Running through the wet streets of Ikebukuro._

Swallowing thickly, I slipped past the doorway and headed straight for the bathroom. I could feel my face tensing and my eyes pricking. A cold sweat broke out across my forehead. Emotions were spilling from my heart and they were settling so heavily in my stomach that I wanted to just stop and lie down. Maybe curl up into myself. And cry.

I needed cold water or something. Anything substantial to stop the onslaught of memories as they slowly blossomed into haunting nightmares. I shook my head, not accepting what I was thinking. I was not a victim; I never would be. This couldn't be happening.

_Getting cornered by Shiki's henchmen. He set me up._

As usual, the bathroom was pristine in the gentle moonlight. The small, circular window didn't have a curtain, providing me with a natural night light. I turned on the cold water in the dark and let it run. My hands gripped the porcelain sink as I stared at the rivulets of clear liquid as it fell down the drain. I swallowed dryly. My dry bottom lip found itself between my teeth.

_Getting shot. Twice._

But I already knew all of this. I remembered all of these facts the night before, and honestly, they didn't bother me anymore. I could deal with them. They were real and solid enough that I could store them all in my revenge closet, and then make my attackers' lives a living nightmare.

_But something happened after._

I splashed the freezing cold water onto my face and rubbed it into my cheeks for good measure. I inhaled sharply as the iciness pricked my skin like astonishment. I turned the tap off with my eyes still squeezed shut from the intense chill on my face. _Love the burn_. I shuddered at the sensation. Grimacing, I grabbed the nearest towel and rubbed at my skin with my eyes clamped shut. Who cared if it hurt. I needed something distracting as my memories pushed past the _human_ aspect of that night. I only loved people. I was an atheist. I wanted to exist. I had one fear, and one fear only. And I didn't want to remember my experience with it.

_Don't forget about Hell._

Emotions and thoughts suddenly assaulted me. It was like everything I had ever thought or felt suddenly exploded into physical, overwhelming pain. Muffled by the towel, a sob broke between my lips. My heart sunk in my chest, pouring out all of my withheld feelings. I had forgotten these sensations, and for once in my life, I wished I didn't know. My fingers were trembling and my legs were suddenly threatening to give out on me. I leaned forward on to the sink with one hand in an attempt to support myself. The towel did not leave my face. Shakily inhaling, I tried to calm my mind along with my senses. My stomach felt sick, my chest felt heavy, my head hung, and my heart hurt. _Just relax Izaya. It's not that bad. _I shook my head in an attempt to clear away the memories. _It's not really that bad._

_The spirits of all the vengeful souls._

_Okay, maybe it is bad._ I scrubbed at my face as if the motion would stop me from crying. My tears angered me. This wasn't control. _Stop, stop stop, it's nothing too dramatic, why am I upset?_ My chest and shoulders were heavy. I couldn't think about this stuff right now. My stomach was doing flips and there was this violent tremor that refused to leave me. _I know this feeling. It's so foreign, but what am I scared of? _I moved a foot or two across the small room and sat down on the edge of the bathtub.

_The ruler of Hell, and his special attention for me._

It was both a statement and an answer. The towel did nothing to muffle the next sob. It broke out before I could stop it, and I felt myself haunch further into it. I used it to cover my face like that alone would save me from what I was feeling inside. My stomach, if it hadn't been emptied prior, would have been relocating itself now. Vivid images flickered through my mind. I could remember _everything_. Every touch, every pull, every cut and bruise, every thrust, and every promising word that would eventually condemn me to an eternity there. I remembered them all. Even the feelings and emotions that had coursed through me during my stay. The guilt and shame I had felt when I realized how large scale my actions had been, and how I had ruined humanity, _my_ humanity. I had always considered myself above remorse, so the emotion came as a shock to me. _There had been so many people..._

Being shot was the least of my worries.

My knees were shaking below my rested elbows, causing my face to jitter in my hands.

I whined as I tried to wipe away the tears; to wipe away the imprinted fear. The entire motion was futile for the towel was already damp. There was constantly moisture everywhere, and I couldn't seem to get rid of it. I wanted the tears to stop and the... frustration?... to go away. _I don't even understand what I am feeling! Why am I so upset!? I only ever get this upset when I know-_

The hallway light suddenly flicked on and the dimness of it would have blinded me had I not been hiding in the towel in my hands.

_Five fears, Orihara, and a gift._

I wasn't stupid. The memories of my dreams had come back to me first, and I could distinctly tell them apart from what actually happened. I knew what had been real, and what had been dream.

Hell had happened.

Celty had saved me.

And I was now living my consequences.

So in a way, I was living my death. How appropriate. I sniffed, which indirectly turned into a snort, resulting in another choked sob. I pressed the towel harder into my face like it would hide me from whoever was walking in the hallway. I secretly hoped it wasn't Namie. We weren't on equal enough terms for her to see me break down – I also had a feeling that she would use it to blackmail me at some point too.

Socks slowly padded into the dark bathroom. They moved quietly and evenly, stopping directly in front of me several seconds later.

I took in a breath, leaning into my knees. _Why can't they just leave me alone?_ The steps had been light; it was probably either Namie or Celty. Though Celty was borderline silent. _It's probably Namie. What do I say to her? Compose. Compose. Compose. I need to compose myself, dammit!_

A hand fell on my shoulder with awkward pressure like they were hesitating.

_A gift, I am sending you back to the real world with a gift._

And I had a pretty good idea what that gift was.

"_You could birth the sin you house."_

It was then that I noticed that I was heaving, my breathing borderline hysterical and my body was quivering so badly I worried that I might break something just from shaking. _This shaking will always signify my fear._ The hand on my shoulder gave a light squeeze and it suddenly occurred to me that it was much larger than that of a woman's.

"Izaya."

I froze.

The voice was warm, gentle and low. My name rolled off of his tongue like honey, just like the colour in his eyes.

"Shizuo." I whispered almost inaudibly. I refused to drop the towel and look at him. I refused. I shook my head just as the shaking started back up again, and I rubbed at my face with the cloth in vain. _He had been my happy place. During the worst part of the Hell experience, he had been my happy place. _I swatted his hand from my shoulder, wrapping my arm protectively around my torso. I was embarrassed on a mortified level. "Leave me alone."

"No." His hand returned to my shoulder with more force than prior_. _"Why are you crying?"

I half expected him to not care – to mock me or use it against me – but then I realized that he was probably _surprised_. When did I ever show emotion? Let alone one so weak? He sounded confused. _I don't blame him; I'm confused too._

I shook my head in avoidance and he growled in response.

"Do you remember what happened?" His voice lowered like he was nearing me. I flinched. I sniffed once more and then gently nodded my head. _Might as well admit i__t... not that he knows what I actually remember..._ He sighed close enough that I knew he was sitting or kneeling in front of me. "Do you blame me?"

I swallowed as tears dampened the towel further. I shook my head to disagree. _I only ever get this upset when I know that it is my own fault.__ I brought all of this onto myself._ I sniffed, rubbing at my face again to pretend I wasn't crying. I probably looked pathetic. It was moments like these that reminded me that I was unfortunately still human.

_Or maybe in this case, it is fortunate._

Shizuo sighed once again, his hand disappearing and then reappearing on my head. He ruffled my hair. I couldn't help the tension that formed in my shoulders. I almost chuckled at my own behaviour. Could a trip to Hell really traumatize someone like this? "I am surprised." He said simply. His fingers curled slightly as he thought. I flinched.

He was oblivious to my discomfort.

I rubbed my face once again and then sat up straight. Shizuo's hands disappearing from my hair. I pulled the towel from my face, dropping it to my lap. He was kneeling before me and looking up now to meet my eyes. I felt something lodge in my throat but quickly swallowed it. I wouldn't stoop so low to choke on my own emotions. "I don't blame you." My voice cracked. It sounded disgusting like I had just cried out my heart, and I inwardly cringed.

He nodded. I could tell that he was looking me over. The light in the hallway behind him was right in my face, no doubt illuminating my weary and distressed state while Shizuo remained shadowed in front of me. I could still see his features and those golden-honey eyes of his. They were trailing over my face, taking in every detail of my troubled expression. I felt my cheeks heat up and I looked shyly away.

"Do you blame yourself?"

I scowled with my face averted. Fresh tears pricked at my eyes. _Of course I blame myself, but he shouldn't just ask me that right away!_

"Shizuo, why are you doing this?" _The caring __and __the whole being nice thing._ I awkwardly re-clasped my hands together as I shifted on the porcelain tub. I avoided eye contact as I fidgeted. My chin dropped to my chest in foreign dejection. "Every time I woke up, you've been here. Why?"

He looked away too. "Maybe, I just want to help you get better." He seemed to find something incredibly interesting on the wall, and I couldn't help but glance back at him. _Did he really just say he was going to help me?_ Guilt was an amazing thing.

Only now did I notice his state. His hair was a disaster and his eyes were half lidded from his tiredness. He had obviously woken up to me crying in the bathroom. Had I really been that loud? He had apparently fell asleep in his work clothes, so he must have been caught here rather late.

_Wait, why is he sleeping here anyway?_

A smile forced itself onto my lips. "That's almost logical of you, Shizu-chan." I chuckled as his face twitched at the nick name. Or maybe my words. Take your pick. "So we aren't enemies for now?"

"I wouldn't go that far." He grunted before standing up and turning away from me. He paused, glancing over his shoulder. He shoved his hands into his pockets casually, like we were mere acquaintances who had just happened to bump into each other on the street or something. "Are you done?"

I sniffed and then nodded.

His eyes didn't move, but his voice began to lower. "Will you be okay?"

"Yes, Shizuo."

He forced himself to sneer and then turned away from me. "Do yourself a favour and take a shower. You're grosser than normal." He made his way towards the door, his socks gently padding across the tile. _I never noticed how light his step was._

"That's mean. I will shower only if Shizu-chan finds me my laptop so I can make myself feel better. Namie should have brought it." I remained seated even though I felt like standing. Leave it to Shizuo to make me uncomfortable in a bathroom.

Shizuo nodded as he turned to look at me. "I'll get you your bag. You better find the all those little shits that did this to you, so I can beat them into a pulp." He stopped in the doorway with just enough light peeking over his shoulder to illuminate his eyes. Dangerous gold glinted from the darkness and he may have been grinning. "You're mine to kill, and don't you forget that."


	8. Chapter Eight

Flopping onto the couch with freshly showered hair and my oh so missed laptop, I felt calm. Calm and collected like the deadly broker I was.

Calm despite the chaos I was about to see.

It was time for me to research.

My sleek black laptop was booting up on my lap, the drivers wheezing from lack of use. I grinned into a cup of hot green tea – Shizuo had surprisingly made it for me. I had been shocked and almost suspicious when he handed me the cup, but all of those noted emotions had blossomed into as peculiar warmness.

I had ignored the fact with slight irritation.

He had left to go back to his own house before his shift – Apparently he had _accidentally_ fallen asleep on Shinra's couch – and Namie still wasn't kicking around yet, so I had the quiet house to myself. For a little while, anyway. Celty and Shinra were sleeping still, though Shinra would probably be up and about soon enough. His sleeping patterns were hard to follow – they were almost just as sporadic as my old ones. Some days he slept in, other days he was up early.

Oh, the little things I had learned.

When my desktop loaded, I instantly headed to the internet. I decided to put off my plot for my attackers, for now. There were _larger_ problems at hand for the moment. _I doubt I'll need to take notes._ I didn't feel like I was going to find anything useful – I wasn't falsely hoping anyway – but it wasn't like I had anything better to do with my time. I was slightly thankful that my emotional state changed almost every five seconds. I wasn't upset anymore, I had rationalized my situation and decided that it was okay; I had started my plot knowing very well what the cost of screwing it up would be. The only person to blame was myself, and I could live with that.

_I chose this life. I can't cry over the consequences._

And that was all there was to it. Plus, I wasn't one for unnecessary emotion.

Hovering over the search bar, I took another sip of tea. _Five fears and a gift._

_Let's start with the fears._

I got a bunch of generic information that I was already aware of. Fear was a very _vague_ word. At the end of the day, anything that caused an abnormal change in emotions and behaviour could be considered _fear. _The flight or fight responses were normally associated with fear, while the freeze response resembled horror or terror. Anxiety, dread, horror, terror, panic, stress, and anger were all factors of fear.

_I'll be facing five of them. Maybe not necessarily five of these emotions... or maybe so. Maybe. He was too vague. There are way too many possibilities. I need to narrow them all down._

It was almost reassuring. Fear wasn't a very severe word. So when all gets said and done, I might not face anything life altering, or overly scary. _Pfft, if I'm lucky._ But that was the frustrating part. I didn't know what to expect. I was going about this like I would any normal case; like anything was possible. But the problem right now was that that possibilities were _endless._

I threw my head back after only twenty minutes of reading to stare at the perfect white ceiling. I could feel my facial muscles were tightening against my will. What was I doing? I was simply trying to avoid the situation, which might be because of some form of fear all in itself. _This is the problem. How do I know if I am scared because of that bastard playing with my life, or if I'm just scared because I'm me?_ _Does he plan to change some part of me in order to make me scared, or am I naturally scared of some things? As long as I am me, I don't care what happens. I can figure it out. _Or maybe I was still thinking too abstractly. _But I need to expect the worst._ 'Five fears', and that sentence had been paired with 'things to expect in Hell'. This wasn't just going to be some stroll through an uncomfortable garden.

I had been basically promised Hell on Earth. _Right?_

I groaned, closing my eyes. _What am I scared of? I thought I was scared of death, but dying itself wasn't that painful or scary. It's what happened after._ I grimaced at the thought of Hell. The flames that had licked my body. The fire apparition that promised me my downfall. _Those clawed fingers of his._ My mind instantly shut down and all of my thoughts abruptly stopped. _I don't know if I can think about this. _If anything, my newly acquired fears would be due to the traumatic events that had transgressed.

_Hey. There's a good place to start._

Sitting up with new found – but still reserved – energy, I opened up a writing document to start brain storming. _I need to be one step ahead of this._

Tapping the shift key, I wondered, _Why five fears? Why not six or three?_ If anything, it would probably be biblical, like the devil himself. _But there are so many religions that revolve around a Satanic ruler for those who do wrong, I could literally be searching for hours._

I sighed. I might have my work cut out for me.

Unstopped, I opened up the internet once again and began typing into the search bar. Might as well start with the symbolism of five, right?

Several clicks later, I found a page that told me the 'generic' symbolism behind the number.

_- The number of Harmony and Balance._

Snorting, I almost closed down the page. _Harmony and balance? I guess that sort of applies to me, I mean I am a man of control... though I can't confuse control with balance. Hmm.. actually... that doesn't make sense..._ I was in harmony with my true nature and all of my thoughts. But was that balance? _And it's not about me, it's about fears. Fears in balance? Or is this reminding me that I have avoided my fair share of fears, thus causing the balance to become unstable? Will I eventually come to terms with them?_ Perhaps the number had truly been random, but just before I hit the back page button, something else caught my eye.

_- Symbolizes the Man-God. Two for the unstable character of duality and three for divinity. Together, five, they create the Man-God._

Done. I was so done with the symbolism that I closed out of the page and refused to look at it any further. I doubted the number had been picked just to mock me of my God-like claim. _Unstable character, pfft._ So what if I may have found a false source? Even if the information wasn't wrong, I still wanted nothing to do with it. The fact that I had found this source at all was in a way ironic.

Personally, it pissed me off.

It was like the Devil was laughing at me discreetly. I _tsked _before changing my approach. This was a little bit ridiculous, and I already knew that the challenge would be enough to see me through. I had a feeling most of my research would end up like this.

_Time to overcome my unwanted obstacles._

I decided to completely restart with everything that made me or could make me feel uneasy. I was well aware that fear could be learned, and traumatic events were perfect ways to sprout out new fears.

So I started a list.

- Guns. Touching. Hell. Fire. Demons. Shizu-chan.

Tapping my chin, I glanced around Shinra's nice and tidy living room as if looking for ideas. Like the fake plant sitting in the corner would remind me of something possibly traumatic. I tilted my head, narrowing my eyes at the plant. _I wonder if I should order them from least uncomfortable to most uncomfortable._ What else was there? Glancing to the page, I noticed that my thought process had brought out exactly five things – minus Shizu-chan of course – that could easily turn into fears. _Is this it? It can't be this easy._

Smiling, I chuckled. _If it really was this easy, then-_

Scowling, I changed the document as a realization hit me.

-Guns. Touching. Hell. Fire.

-Demons.

My gift, I had forgotten about the gift.

Rubbing my stomach I groaned as I loaded the internet page again. The gift was a separate entity from the fears while still being a fear itself. The Devil had made that clear, and my stomach had made it clear as well. I didn't really want to speak my mind, but I felt as if it _literally_ was a separate entity. Did I really want to type in, 'demonic male pregnancies' into my search bar? No. But I was going to just to see what it would tell me.

I typed the horrid words into the search bar and was frustrated with what I found. Everything was related to an Incubus preying on women, while men were approached by the female version. That was it. Just pages of female demonic pregnancies, whether the woman was human or not human, who were carrying half breed children.

There were no catastrophic, breaking news, articles about a man being pregnant. _Obviously it is physically impossible. I am male, I was born male, I can't have babies. __And this has probably never happened before._

I groaned, scratching my head. _But I might be thinking to __abstractly__ again. I mean, demonic spawns wouldn't need a womb to grow in, __right__? They wouldn't need nutrients or anything... __so... I guess it could just grow in my stomach... like that movie with the aliens spawns that __grew and then clawed and __crawled __their way __out of people..._

I rubbed my face harshly as I tried to make sense of it. _I don't want a demon spawn clawing it's way out of my abdomen. _That sounded painful and horrid. My research had been brief, and I knew there was more information out there and I just had to spend the time filtering through to find it. But I didn't want to become obsessive about it, and I almost didn't really want to know what would happen. There was the chance that I couldn't stop it, right? The demon? I might just have to go through with it, whatever the situation turned out to be like. The situation in itself was a fear, which was why it had been said 'Five fears a_long with_ a gift'. The gift was a fear too?

The more I thought about it all, the more my stomach flipped and the more confused I felt. If I knew these things were supposed to scare me, then wouldn't that prevent me from being scared in the first place? With that said, the events that were to happen to me would most likely be sudden.

I ran both hands through my hair with a harsh exhale before adding to my notes.

Just because Spirit Me had been... raped in Hell, didn't mean that Human-Flesh Me was carrying a demonic child.

I rested my head back with my hands on my face as I sighed roughly.

"_And yes, a gift. And just for my own amusement, I will show you in life something like a preface for what you will face when you return here. You will face five fears, not including my gift, before you come back. Whether they make you or break you is wholly up to you."_

What did it mean? Why five fears? Five fears to preface my life in Hell? Five fears to unite me as a demonic god? And a gift? Was it really a gift? He seemed to debate on what to call it so what was it really? A gift? A curse? Or was he just mocking me? And he said 'five fears, not including my gift', so did that really mean that this _gift_ would cause me fear and stress and harm too? I was assuming so, because looking in to it had caused me immense stress. If there really was a demon growing in me, then it would eventually claw it's way out and surely I would die, just to go back _there,_ with _him_. _Forever._

I rubbed my eyes, my thoughts jumbling into a massive string of undecipherable chaos. My mood was starting to switch again and I wasn't liking the negative outlook I was getting. My breathing had picked up, and I wasn't sure what I was feeling.

I was Izaya Orihara. I didn't get worked up over _supernatural_ things like this.

_I need to spend so much time organizing this, wow._

Groaning, I glanced to the time. It was almost five in the morning. I took another sip of tea, trying to relax myself before I started again. Maybe I needed a break. Or five. I rubbed my sore stomach with both hands. I needed to calm myself again before I had a panic attack or something. _Replacing the mask... and check. __My mask is in place._ I exhaled gently before glancing back to the computer screen with a new sense of calm and determination.

_Time to get to work._

I woke up to a gentle squeeze on my shoulder.

I pried open my eyes and yawned. I was lying on my side, sprawled across the black couch with my laptop on sleep mode beside me. It was closed under my stomach, and it was warm. _So warm._ I almost snuggled back into the arm rest of the couch before remembering that _someone_ had touched me. Confused, I pushed myself up from the cushion and rubbed at my eyes. _I fell asleep?_ I glanced up to see who was responsible for waking me.

Celty, clad in a casual black dress that drifted down to her knees, waved at me before pulling out her phone. She seemed stiff. The dress looked like a sleeveless version of Erika's, leather with a zipper that went straight down the front. The neck was pulled open to frame her headless state, and two zippers closed off pockets half way down the sides. _Half her biker suit, half a__n attempt at a __summer dress. How cute._

"Morning." I mumbled.

[How long have you been out here?]

I glanced to the clock on the wall, just over the TV. It was half past ten. Sitting up, I reluctantly placed my laptop gently on the coffee table before stretching my arms above my head. My muscles creaked in protest. "Five, six hours maybe?" I said vaguely. _How long did I sleep?_

I smiled as I rested back on the couch, and she waved it off like it was nothing. Perhaps she didn't care where I slept, as long as I was sleeping. She suddenly turned away from me and disappeared into the kitchen without another message. I watched her go curiously. Her foot steps were silent. _Where has she been all this time?_

It almost felt like she was avoiding me.

Yawning once more, I powered up my laptop to see if my research had at least saved. When the screen loaded after about a minute and the ten thousand word document had been saved again, I irritably shut the whole thing back down.

Ten thousand words, and I had nothing except for basic ideas. _There is probably a demonic spawn in my belly. And I will be facing five incredibly vague __emotions due to__ fears of unknown levels, whether they be phobias, constant life fears__,__ or distinct situations. _

Celty then returned with a cup of tea. She handed me it, and I willingly accepted, before she rapidly began typing on her phone. She sat down when she was finished typing, scooting just slightly too close for my comfort.

[Shinra says you should drink lots of tea.]

I nodded, mumbling my thanks. I brought it to my lips and sipped it. Scalding water burned my tongue and I grimaced. _Earl Grey. It tastes a little bit weak._ I found myself momentarily missing Shizuo's green tea.

[Careful! It's hot. But I wanted to warn you that Shinra will be harassing you about eating when he gets back. He left earlier and noticed you on the couch and mentioned it. I think you should just do as he says.]

I sighed. These were things on my expected list. "I'm not trying to avoid it," I started, hoping to maybe talk some reason into her. I thought about what I had planned to say, and then ditched it all together, "But I'm avoiding it. I don't like throwing up, Celty, and if I can avoid that, then I will." I sipped the tea cup with a small but sad smile. Couldn't she understand?

Celty seemed to ponder this before typing out more.

[So what now?]

I blinked, and she seemingly understood that I didn't know what she meant by that. A new message was typed almost immediately.

[The streets think you're dead. Shinra genuinely wants to help you. He wants to see this through, and make sure that you are okay. And Shizuo hasn't been trying to kill you. I'm curious as to what you plan to do next. You're still the same you. If you keep this up, then you will end up really dying next time. I thought you might have learned something from this. You need to just let Shinra help you. He knows what you're feeling and can help you through this if you let him.]

I nodded, grimacing as I realized my options.

_Did I really learn anything?_

I could play dead and start a new life like Shinra wanted me to. I could try and reconcile with Shizuo, and maybe earn a new friend out of it. I could leave Shiki to believe he killed me and that I was never coming back. But all of this meant that I needed to change. _Why do they want me to change?_ I knew my personality wasn't the most attractive, but still. My options were basically change myself, and become a new person.

Or I could get revenge. I knew the faces and names of those men. I could ruin them.

The choices and thoughts floated through my mind, but one persistent observation remained.

It didn't matter what I chose, because I would still be alone. If I decided to change and become a new person, then I would lose my old relations. And then I would just be worse off than when I had started. _I don't need people to like me. I just need my humans. As long as they are here, I can continue to exist_. It wasn't in my nature change so drastically, and I had no intention on indulging Celty in that idea.

Knowing me, I would change for the worse and become just likeable enough that everyone would forget about me and no one would bother to hate me. And in that case, what was life without my humans? I lived to love humans.

But then there was the problem with death. If I didn't have humans to live for, and I was afraid of death and the after life, then what would become of my existence?

I needed humans, and I needed to use them to change my death; my fate.

I didn't want to go back there.

_But how does one weasel their way out of Hell? Especially when they have fallen so far down there already like me?_

Grimacing I shrugged. My stomach was clenching and so was my heart. It wasn't fear, it was the sense of insecurity. How would I achieve this goal now? It was like starting a walking marathon and then realizing half way that you were supposed to run. To change my fate, or to not change my fate. Those were my basic options.

"I don't know what I plan to do yet. Shinra says I should stay low because of my injuries, and also because he doesn't know what else is wrong with me." _I need to return to my__self. I need my confidence back__. I can't let this change me._

I watched her subtly tense and I grinned.

"Unless you want to tell me what happened? We all know there is something wrong with me physically, just no one seems to know what. Or rather. No one wants to tell me what." I didn't know if I was pestering her out of irritation or habit, but I secretly wanted to stop. The idea of 'going back to the way I was' and 'exploring the new options I had acquired' were battling inside of me. _Which do I pick? _My stomach gnawed at me and I felt pain shoot down into my hips. I stifled a grimace at the sudden discomfort.

She hesitated for the slightest second before typing a message to me. [What do you mean?]

"I mean about when I died." I said lowly. My eyes bore into where hers should have been, the smoke visibly quivering as it split into curling tendrils. I resisted wrapping my arms around my middle as the pain began to rise irritably. _Something is wrong here. __This is probably why she hasn't been around. Did something else happened?_

She typed incredibly quickly. [What are you getting at? You didn't die. You're still here.]

I nodded, acknowledging her argument. "Yes, but _you_ are a Death god, and _you_ were the owner of the shadows that were wrapped around my forearms. I got shot in the neck. It didn't graze me, it went straight through. I should have died from either that or blood loss. But no. Here I am, and I remember being a spirit."

Celty froze with her finger hovering over her cell. The smoke emitted from her neck seemed to stop functioning.

_Fear._

"Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad or accusing you or anything, but I just want to know what happened from your perspective, so I can figure out what is happening to me from my perspective. Because. Well." I rubbed the back of my head and glanced away. "Thank-you. First of all. You saved me, and I really appreciate that." I said meekly. Leave it to me to scare her smoke-less and then apologize for something relatively huge.

I knew she could sense my emotions. She seemed stunned, the black smoke choking and sputtering in it's trail from her body. She could probably feel my genuine appreciation. _She had no idea how horrible it was down there._

Recovering rather slowly, she typed out another message to me calmly.

[Your welcome.]

She seemed to be at a loss of words.

"And. Something happened. And. I want answers?" I scratched my head, trying to be vague but specific at the same time. I also didn't want to be over bearing – I wanted an answer after all.

Celty nodded, showing me her phone.

[You died and I was able to pull your soul back.] She nodded but then hesitated.

"Tell me." I encouraged. I needed to know. My stomach flipped and I felt something sharp like a bite. _I am ninety percent convinced there is a demon spawn in me._ I shuddered. If the demon spawn was what was wrong with me, then Shinra couldn't help me, right?

My stomach seemed to agree, for it settled down. _Can it__ communicate with me!?_

She seemed unsure. [Well. You died, and I grabbed on to you. But you were slipping. I'm sorry. I may have weakened your life force, if that is what you meant?]

It took her way to long to type that. "What do you mean? Weakened my life force?"

[Well your spirit is weak right now. And you're tainted...] She quickly erased that message without showing me, I noticed, not that I was staring over her arm or anything. She replaced the confession with a more basic question. [Izaya, what do you know?]

I regarded her for a moment. Celty was a very straight to the point kind of being. I doubted I could word my way around, and I doubted she would stand for me to play word games with her. I decided to ask her straight out. "Is there something wrong with me now?"

[What do you mean?]

"I mean, Shinra doesn't really give a damn about anyone unless they are abnormal from humans."

Celty's shadows froze before they slowly started to curl. [Shinra is your friend. What are you trying to say?]

"I'm asking what happened. When I died. Something happened, so something must have changed and you told Shinra." My face hardened and I watched her stiffen. _Her body is so honest._ "He has never kept me around for so long before. He should have sent me home by now. He knows I heal rather quickly, and he's been oddly intrigued about my health. It kind of feels like I'm a lab rat."

[He is just worried! You almost didn't make it!]

"Something happened." I insisted. If playing stupid didn't work, then I would have to try and tell her what I was feeling. "You and Shizuo feel guilty. You both show it, but you have been avoiding me. And Shinra has been too curious about me. We both know that Shinra's true curiosity lies in the supernatural and unnatural, so I am simply asking this. What happened? What changed? I feel different, and not in a good way, and I have this feeling that you know why."

A smoke cloud puffed out angrily.

[Did you ever think that maybe Shinra is keeping secrets to protect you!?] She pulled the phone away almost to quickly for me to read it all. I had forgotten that she was so emotional. _Whoops. I made her mad._ [Did you ever think that maybe we have just tried to help you the past few weeks?]

_Weeks? Shinra said I was out for a while... but he made it seem like a couple of days, a week at most. _"Shinra is keeping secrets from me? I'm assuming about my condition? What happened?" _Is there really something demonic living in me. I swear to God, I will cut this abomination right out of there if I have to._

Celty visibly shook. She had slipped up. [It doesn't matter! They are secrets for a reason!]

"Look, I'm asking nicely. What happened?" It was time to start mentioning the _thing_ that may or may not actually be growing in me. _How do I say this? Celty, I think I am pregnant with a demonic spawn?_ Surely Shinra couldn't test for that. It wouldn't be like a normal case, wold it?

No. Maybe I shouldn't ask...

It was then that the door abruptly opened. Shinra noisily skipped in with a whistle. He was clad in his regular attire; lab jacket and all, a large, worn out black duffel bag hanging at his side. The bag caught my attention, but then the situation at hand distracted me from the half formed thought of it. I recognized it, after all. It was Shinra's travel bag. Back from a job, I assumed, he seemed rather chipper. "Celty darling, I'm home!"

"Wait," I reached out to stop her, but Celty was already running up to Shinra in a hurry. _No, I screwed around too long!_

She ran up to Shinra, furiously typing on her phone, and I turned away, falling back on the couch with a huff. I fell into the cushions like a defeated child, finally sulking that I wasn't allowed any cookies. It would take Shinra maybe half a second to go from chipper and whistling to stiff and calculating. Maybe I felt a little guilty. _Shit. I screwed up._

_When haven't you screwed up?_

I shuddered at my own retort. My moth dropped into a frown and I scowled at the dark TV. My reflection looked distorted, pale and ghastly. Like I was dying or already dead. _I came back to the world of the living just to rot away and die in my own personal Hell._

"Celty dear, what is wrong?"

The furious tapping of a keyboard could be heard. Shinra was humming cheerfully, for a few seconds anyway.

"... Oh."

He appeared beside me in an instant with a forced smile. I almost jumped from how quick he had been. His hands were shoved casually into his pockets as he made his way around the couch, eyes never meeting mine. His steps were loud and easy to predict.

"Izaya."

"Shinra."

Shinra sighed before coming to sit beside me. He draped his arms over the back of the couch. I avoided looking at him. Pouting because I knew I was in trouble. _I'm such a kid around him._ I didn't know why I tolerated it, but I let Shinra boss me around most of the time. He just had that effect on me. "So I hear you know about your little trip to the after life."

"Yes. Now what happened?" I was a little impatient due to the fact that demons wold probably end up knocking at my door quite literally. If not Celty, then the Devil himself would come looking for my head. I crossed my arms. My stomach was growling, but not in the hungry fashion. It seemed mad, irritated by Shinra's presence.

Actually, it had been mad and irritated since I had woken up.

"So rude, as usual." Shinra said. His face twitched but he didn't look too irritated. He also was still avoiding my gaze. "Don't harass Celty about it anymore. It's one of those things that's better left unspoken."

"Then I will be going home." I said simply. No point in hanging around just for Shinra to take blood samples from me. He couldn't help me, _they_ couldn't help me, so as usual I would just have to take care of myself.

I was more than capable of that.

The back of my mind told me that this was wrong, but the irritation in my stomach subsided at the thought of home and distance from so many people. Relief washed over me.

Shinra chuckled. He finally glanced over to me, chocolate brown eyes harsh. "Running won't save you from your hell."

I glanced to Shinra in panic. Did he know? He couldn't have. I obviously stiffened and my glare probably gave away my discomfort.

Shinra simply grinned with an eerie look in his eyes. "You'll have more problems if you leave now. You can't even take care of your human side, let alone the sickness eating at you."

"And that is supposed to mean what?" I stood up, fixing my shirt and grabbing my laptop. I felt nervous and almost sick. The relief that had flooded me a moment ago was already gone, and in it's place there was raw discomfort. But with the laptop under my arm and three feet between Shinra and myself, I felt slightly better.

"When you died, what happened?" His voice softened and I almost told him everything that was suddenly eating me away. Almost. What stopped me was a furious bite inside of my belly. It took everything not to flinch. Shinra looked curious, gently so. His eyes flicked to my stomach for a fraction of a second before returning to me face. I almost flushed, because I almost felt embarrassed about it. _He knows something supernatural happened, but he doesn't know what? __Or does he know and __just__ want__s__ me to admit it?_

I shook my head. "When I came back to life, what happened?" I needed answers before he did.

He merely grinned at my rebuttal. "Well. We certainly have a problem on out hands." He too stood up, brushing the imaginary dirt off of his jacket. He fixed his glasses before looking me squarely in the eyes. All of that care and softness was gone. "If you're going to be like this then you can leave. If you don't want my help, then you can also leave. If you don't plan to be open with me, even though I might be the only one who can help you, then just leave."

I froze. _Is Shinra kicking me out? __I'm pretty sure I wanted to leave but suddenly..._I nodded, raising my chin. He couldn't see it on my face, but my jaw tensed. "Then that is what I should do. I think I have over stayed my welcome." I turned on my heel, heading to the room I had been staying with. My heart clenched, telling me that this was the wrong choice. My chest was quivering and I felt sick again. There was some odd ease in my belly though, leaving me confused. _Am I doing the right thing? Is this the right thing to do? __I don't really want to go..._ Shinra followed me closely and paused in the doorway. I grabbed my now repacked bag and threw it over my shoulder.

"Oh, and until you fix that ego problem of yours, don't call me."

Swallowing dryly and avoiding eye contact, I turned around and shoved past him to get out. To get far, far away.

As soon as I walked out the front door, I knew I had made the wrong choice.


	9. Chapter Nine

As soon as I walked out the front door, I knew I had made the wrong choice.

I sent a quick text to Namie to let her know that I was going home.

She didn't respond immediately, but I wasn't overly concerned. _She's probably stalking Seiji again._ I sighed as I got out of the cab. The vehicle had stunk of cigarettes and bad body odour and I could feel the beginning of a headache threatening me. Staring at the tallness of my complex, I sighed again as the gentle wind rustled my hair. _How different everything would be if I had just gotten here __without being shot__._

The whole dying thing and going to Hell wasn't really sitting well with me.

I shifted the backpack on my shoulder before heading inside. The double glass doors parted for me as I entered, and the secretary seemed surprised to see me. Shocked even. She dropped what she was doing and stared unconvinced for several seconds like I was a ghost.

"Orihara-san! You're back!" I couldn't tell if she was disappointed or happy. I found myself frowning. _This is the life I lead._

I grinned falsely as I walked past her, the spotless white tiles squeaking beneath my shoes. _Did they always squeak?_ "Yes, I am back, and how lovely it is to be!" I practically skipped to the elevator with my usual enthusiasm, sending her a flustering wink just before the door closed in front of me. As usual, her face dusted red with a blush and she looked away.

_My impact on people hasn't changed. Good._

As soon as she was out of sight, the frown returned to my face. _Keeping up with my act is tiresome today._ I pouted all the way to the top, noticing the slight feeling of discomfort eating at me again. _What, am I claustrophobic now?_ Groaning, I stepped out from the elevator and made my way down the quiet hall of the top floor. I lived amongst few people up there for it was incredibly expensive and prestigious. It was lined with a cream coloured carpet, and the walls were painted a homey shade of coffee brown. It was a rather peaceful atmosphere; and incredibly quiet.

One out of my two neighbours was an elderly woman, who happened to be exiting her apartment just as I was about to turn the hall to reach my own door in the back corner. Her son was rather wealthy, and her retirement, along with her deceased husbands fortune, paid all of her bills. She was a short lady, with wavy white hair and wise blue eyes amongst an assault of wrinkles. She was nice, but she had this habit of speaking like she could see right into my heart.

"Oh, dear, you're back." She called out to me just before I could escape her failing sight. I had tried to sneak away, but to no avail.

Plastering on my best smile, I turned to the stout woman in the yellow sun dress. The hem brushed the carpet below, and she pulled a thick white shawl tighter around her shoulders. As usual, she was smiling largely. "It's has been some time, dear, I hope you're not in trouble."

"Mei-sama." I bowed lightly, the grin brightening on my face. I was always friendly and respectful towards the elderly. "How have you been?"

"Good, I have been well. Just out to get some groceries." She grinned at me, but didn't move to leave. _How troublesome._ "My son will be downstairs to pick me up, so no need to worry."

I nodded as if I had worried indeed.

"You seem different dear. I hope you are not working too hard." She eyed me over just as the elevator _dinged_. Hopefully it was her son just in time to save me. Her smile dipped into a frown as she stared at me a little harder. "You look tired, dear. You need to start living a little more healthily or the Devil will certainly find you."

"Oh my, are you ready to go?"

Just in time, the heroic son appeared to save me from his elderly mothers harassment. She had turned away while speaking her last sentence, not witnessing the break of my mask, resulting in an incredible frown and what was probably a look of bewilderment. Her son turned to me with a smile, a smile which broke upon seeing my face. Her words had struck my gut and I gently ran a few fingers over my belly button.

"Ah, she meant no offence. Good to see you again, Orihara-san." He tried to smile apologetically but I merely waved as I turned away, stone faced.

"Have a good afternoon." I said gravely. I turned the corner to head down to my end unit.

Shoving the key into the lock, I pushed the door open and breathed in the abandoned smell of my house. Surely that could lift my mood. I was hit with a wave of cold, dusty air – there had been no point in heating the place if I wasn't living there.

Stepping in, I dropped my bag as I began to shrug off my favourite fur jacket – my favourite _ripped_ fur jacket, might I add – just to freeze in my actions as something in the room caught my eye. My hand rested above the light switch but my body refused to move. The curtains were closed tight, and not a crack of sunlight had filtered in for days.

Amongst the darkness, there was movement again. _I__s__ that..._ My eyes widened in the dark and I gasped, stepping back and out of my apartment. I harshly pulled the oak door shut in front of me with a _slam._ Taking two steps back I stared at the door like it had been a portal into my nightmare. My shoulders were shaking along with my breath. Eyes wide, I was suddenly nervous and ready to run, unheated home and old lady forgotten.

_Was that...?_

"Izaya?"

I whirled around with a breathy gasp to come face to face with Namie. She was wearing a soft purple turtle neck and a short black skirt. Her usual heels tapped on the carpet while she crossed her arms. She was staring. Black eyes wandering over my face in a sceptical look. "Are you okay?"

I debated what to say. My mask was half formed; my face was completely void of emotions. But inside, my heart was hammering into my chest cavity so hard, and there was still a slight shake in my hands. I swallowed thickly. _How do I do this?_

I grinned. Of course I grinned. I threw a hand into my hair and rubbed my head absently. My body instantly relaxed as I realized how silly that must have looked. "No, I'm fine."

"You just answered my question with 'no' and followed it with 'I'm fine'. So you're lying. What happened?"

My eye twitched.

I stared at her and chuckled. "Namie. I'm fine. I'm just..." _Should I play everything off as an effect from the shooting. No one would suspect that I am now being haunted by demons._

Sighing, Namie walked past me and threw open the door. "Izaya. I have kept your place in order. No one has broken in, and there is no word that anyone will try to. You're safe in here." She sounded impassive but annoyed at the same time. But the fact that she felt the need to tell me I was safe had me momentarily stunned. She didn't really like me, but she cared about herself. And in caring about herself, she had come to need me in a way. She didn't overly care for me as a person, but she had grown attached. Humans always did. Spending lots of time with other beings normally bred attachment. She might not have realized it herself, but I certainly did. Almost two years ago, she would have just laughed at the thought of my demise. She would have never forced herself to stay at Shinra's, or to keep any of my business in order.

But as usual, time changes people.

_Oh, how interesting._

And after a quick glare, she flicked on the lights and stepped in. She kicked off her shoes and glanced over her shoulder, just to witness me peering into my apartment suspiciously. I was two steps away from the threshold, leaning on my toes and glancing in, like a small child wary of danger. Everything seemed to be in its proper place. But there was something in the room. A presence. I could feel it.

"Izaya." She called out to me in a stern tone like she wasn't putting up with any my nonsense. If she had kids, they would definitely be well behaved.

I caught her staring and grinned again. I took two secure steps and then quickly scuttled into my house, shutting and locking the door behind me. I glanced wearily about the room before sighing. I then began to shrug my jacket off once again.

"See, nothing is wrong." Namie's voice was monotone as she headed to the thermostat on the wall. I shivered, rubbing my arms. If I hadn't known better, I would have mistaken her statement for concern.

"It's just been a while." I said. She rolled her eyes as she set the thermostat simply because I was obviously uncomfortable with the temperature. Her heart was so cold that the temperature probably didn't bother her.

I was still glancing about, unsure. I found my self keeping Namie within my peripheral vision as she began to move around the room.. I made my way over to the couch and touched the leather carefully. It was really cold. _It's been a while since I've been back here._

"I didn't think you'd already be here. I got your text not even half an hour ago. So Shinra let you go? Your fridge is empty so I was going to go out and buy some food after I turned on the heat. It is always so _cold _in here." She said calmly, making her way into the kitchen. She turned on the lights as she went, and I felt myself relaxing. The familiar atmosphere was better than Shinra's questionable one. What, with everyone keeping secrets from me and all. Namie didn't need to know.

_It's good to be back._

"Ahh, Namie, you're basically my house wife." I teased, making my way over to my computers. I glanced cautiously behind and under my desk before moving to stand in front of it. My eyes trailed about the room. Everything seemed to be in order even from this angle, but I still felt _off._

"Namie, can I come with you to the store?" I glanced at the dark second floor and shivered. I rested a hand on the glass top of my desk. My hands ran over my computers, oddly cool to the touch. _My poor babies. They're probably going to need to warm up before I can use them. _My eyes suddenly flicked as a small shadow on the second floor caught my attention. My breath hitched and I felt my heart rate pick up. "Namie, can we turn on all the lights? I think there are bugs."

She glanced over her shoulder, curious. "What if someone sees you out and about, who shouldn't? And no, Izaya. There are no bugs in here, I cleaned." She suddenly looked irritated, like all of her hard work and cleaning had gone unnoticed by the most OCD man in the world.

I waved my hand dismissively just as my phone rang. I pulled it from my pocket without looking. My eyes were glued to the shadows on the second floor. _Is that what I think it is?_ Prying my gaze away from upstairs, I glanced at the caller I.D. An eyebrow rose. _Didn't Shinra tell me not to call him? __Why is he calling me? He seemed so mad..._

I answered it with a genuine smile. "Hello Shinra." I decided to take a seat in my office chair. The cold black leather stung through my clothes. It wasn't enough to crack my smile.

[Don't sound so smug, Izaya. I'm calling to tell you that you forgot your bag.] He sounded irritated.

I frowned, suddenly remembering the object that had caused my run in with Shizuo in the first place. It was sitting underneath the dresser back in Shinra's spare room. _How did I forget that?_ "Ah. Yes. Do you want me to come get it?" That bag held importance. I suddenly felt my stomach churn at the possibility of Shinra opening it. I didn't even know what was in it, let alone what he would find is he looked.

[No. I'll drop it off. I have to go that way anyway for a job, if that is alright. Give me about an hour?] He didn't sound overly impressed or enthused to come see me. I grinned and my chest fluttered.

I nodded. "Sure thing, bring it by."

_Click._

How rude. I flipped my phone closed and slipped it back into my pocket. Spinning once in my chair, I chuckled. _He hung up on me!_ But despite the fact that Shinra was being annoying, I felt good. _I feel like my old self again._ I laughed harder as I spun once again, the air whooshing past my face. The heat had kicked in and I didn't feel so off placed anymore.

"Izaya, don't make yourself sick." Name was coming back out of the kitchen with a large black purse hanging off of her right shoulder. She was glaring as she approached my desk. "Do you still want to come with me?"

I shook my head, stopping and relaxing into the newly warmed leather. "No. I forgot a bag at Shinra's so he is bringing it here within the hour." Knowing Shinra, he would be early. 'One hour' to him was closer to 'half an hour' in real time. I smiled as if it was no problem for her to leave me behind, by myself, in my oddly vast apartment, that was only half lit up.

With possible little demons running around on the second floor.

Namie nodded and turned away. "I will go now then."

"Wait!"

Namie stopped, glancing over her shoulder. Her eyes glinted as she watched me, a smile tugging at her lips. Apparently me being slightly... _needy – _I supposed I should honestly admit it – was very _intriguing_ to my cold hearted secretary. "Yes?"

_Erm. How should I go about this? It_ was ridiculous in my mind, but at the same time, _it_ could still be related to my death experience. So therefore, _it_ was a problem, and I needed _it_ to be fixed before _it_ could cause trouble – no matter how humiliated I felt if the need ever arose for me to admit it.

"Namie, you might as well get other stuff that I need, right?" I grinned, my mind over working to try and instantly plot out what I needed. It was a simple task that would raise questions – and that was the problem. What I needed was silly, and I knew Namie would never let me live it down if I straight out told her. _This is just a temporary thing, until I fully recover from __the other__ weeks events._ "Did you check the laundry room upstairs for detergent and stuff? And I think there are bugs, can you go up there and check? Make sure you turn on the lights. I don't want to wash my clothes in beetle guts, no thank you."

She studied me carefully. I could practically see the gears in her brain turning. It was true that ninety-nine percent of the time I had an ulterior motive, and she was very aware of that fact. "There are no bugs. But I will go up there if you insist." She suddenly grinned, before turning on her heel. "And don't worry. I will turn on _all_ the lights for you."

_Namie sure is insightful today. I don't want any demons lurking in the dark. _I nodded, grinning as she walked away. I clasped my hands together and spun in the chair once again. _Might __as well__ turn on my babies. They need to warm up._ I leaned forward, starting up the tower that was lying on my desk. I scooted back in the wheeler chair and powered up the twin black beasts beneath the glass desk top. They roared to life and I felt a little jitter of pride and excitement wash through me. I sat back giggling, watching as my monitors flickered to life. I didn't need to turn them all on – I had no work anyway and my laptop would suffice for personal use – but I just wanted to make sure that they were running fine and still in top condition.

Just as I spun around, I noticed that Namie had turned on all of the upstairs lights and my grin widened. She appeared back at the top of the stairs, looking irritated like I had sent her on a tedious mission. "Izaya. There are no bugs. And you have lots of laundry detergent and bounce sheets, I'm sure you'll be fine." She called down to me. "Oh. And all the lights are on."

"If you say so. Leave the lights on, I have to go up there in a bit anyway." I grinned. My simple plan had worked. I chuckled as all three towers roared to life. Still giggling, I got up to grab my bag and wash my Shinra-smelling clothes. I already had a plan for how my day would go. Namie would go get me food. I would start my laundry. When I was done, all the warmed up computers would be shut back down – after being updated and meticulously scanned for any tampered files or planted viruses – to rest until I needed them again. I could never be too careful, no? And then Shinra should have been popping up by then.

I got up and practically skipped my way across the room to retrieve my Shinra-bag.

Namie met me by the door and stopped. Her face was unreadable as she spoke. "I'll be back in about an hour. I'm assuming you will be alright?"

"What can happen?" I joked, chuckling at my terrible attempt of humour. I waved her off as I stepped backwards, making my way towards the stairs. I seriously had to go up there, I didn't lie after all. "Unless I break the washing machine, but I doubt that will happen." I gave her an open grin before heading to the stairs. "Have fun, Namie-chan, be safe! If you run into Seiji, I'm not paying you for the time that you stalk him!"

She gave me a glare, but then smirked. "Oh, and do you need me to buy you a night light while I'm out?" She asked mockingly.

I froze on the stairs. My eyes narrowed despite my grin. "Do I need to dock your pay?"

I heard her scoff before closing the door loudly behind her. I waited half-way up the stairs for the lock to _click_ into place. As soon as it sounded, I was up the stairs and heading to the back corner like nothing terrible had ever happened to me.

The laundry room was tucked away almost behind a book shelf; you would have missed it had you not known it was there. The room itself was small, fitting the washer and dryer side by side with only a shelf to the left of the room. It was the smallest room in the flat, but it did it's job. Cream coloured carpets matched that of in the rest of the building, with coffee brown walls.

The light was already on, as I had requested from Namie.

I dumped out my bag; more than a weeks worth of clothes falling out. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind the way Shinra smells, but there was just something _gross_ about the way my citrous scent mixed with his dark and floral scent.

Absolutely disgusting.

Into the washer they went with an extra cup of delicious smelling detergent, a gentle but fast wash later, and they would be super soft and clean, and smelling like _me. __Fruity and fresh._

I grinned. Not too many people took this much pride in washing their clothes.

I skipped back out of the room, leaving the light on, with the intent to head back down to my computer desk. Oh, how this weeks power bill was going to be expensive. I wasn't too concern though; as long as I was content. There were still a lot of shadows upstairs, so I made my way back to the first floor rather quickly. I practically jogged down the stairs with a cautious glance behind me.

I skipped back over to my desk with only half of my energy and fell into the chair, spinning once before shaking the mouse to load up my main computer screen. The screen flicked from the black screen saver, showing me that I need several updates. Setting to work, I spent twenty minutes making sure that each tower was safe and running, and compressed and secured, before sitting back and spinning in my chair once again. The monitors gently died off.

"Haaaaa, I like this feeling." I grinned happily, spinning once again, before stopping dead in my tracks. My stomach groaned in a violent protest, reminding me that I had in fact not eaten anything since throwing up the other night. _I can't survive off of tea._ Sure, there had been a rough patch in my life where I had literally gone a week on tea, but that was besides the point, and that had also ended terribly. _I'm not at a healthy weight like I was then. __But unlike then, I'm not choosing to avoid food right now._ I groaned, deciding to repress the stupidity of my past and get up. I made my way into the kitchen, pulling open the stainless steel door of the fridge.

Just like Namie had said, there was nothing in the fridge expect for condiments. I felt my expression darken while my stomach growled, encouraging my search for something to eat. _Shinra will probably be here within the next half hour so I'm sure I have time to find a snack or something._ A mostly empty jar of pickles caught my eye, and I grabbed it without a second of hesitation. Letting the fridge door close on it's own, I checked the date label while making my way to the drawer of silverware. _Good. __It's still within date._

Grinning like an idiot, I got myself a fork, discarded the lid, and chomped down on my dill delight. _Shinra had told me he was looking for something I could stomach. I wonder if he found anything._ I felt my mood sour at the thought. There was still the chance that I was rejecting solid food; pickles included. I crunched on a pickle, vinegar flooding my senses and I enjoyed the way my stomach anticipated the substance hungrily. _I__'m sure it was just that margarine. _I scowled at the thought. _I__ got myself kicked out before he could help me. That was kind of stupid __of me__. But I don't know if I should tell him __about what happened __while I was dead. I just... can't say it__._

My stomach flipped as I swallowed, my snack plan crumbling in one bite.

The jar was slammed onto the counter. I aimed for the sink, gagging and choking as my body rejected the new weight within my stomach immediately. _It was just one bite!_ It relocated into the stainless steel sink, along with a good amount of stomach acid. Amongst the green and clear there was another colour: red. I dry heaved several times before it all slowed to a stop. Sweat had broken out across my forehead and there was a disgusting burn in the back of my throat. Tears had pricked my eyes and my breath was coming out ragged. I spit an ugly shade of red again, watching as it thickly trailed towards the drain. My whole body was shaking.

My stomach – no, the weight within my abdomen, flipped. It growled angrily before settling down.

And just like that, peace washed back over me.

I released my death grip on the sink in favour of turning on the tap. Shaky hands let the water run, erasing the evidence that my stomach had ever been upset. I also used it to wash off my blood stained lips before slurping in a mouthful of water and rinsing out the aftermath. I spit weird colours the first time, the second time it was all clear.

I sighed, turning off the tap and wiping my mouth on the long sleeve of my shirt. I took in a breath of clean air and let my head fall back so I could stare at the ceiling. _Well. I have a problem._

Just then, there was a knock at my door.

Quickly trying to reform my mask, I made my way over and unlocked the deadbolt, swinging the door open.

Shinra was standing on the other side, looking displeased in his lab jacket. His own medical bag hung from his left shoulder while the bag Shiki was given me hung from his right. They were practically identical, with only subtle differences between the sizes and weight that only a trained eye would notice. He glanced up once I opened the door.

His unusual frown was replaced with occupational concern.

"Izaya... are you okay?" He stepped closer, eyes suddenly taking in everything he could see of me. "You're ghostly pale."

"No, I'm fine." I muttered. I gave him a fake smile. He didn't believe it, I could see it with the way his frown deepened, but to my surprise he didn't push the matter any further. Actually, that might have been why he dropped the matter. He was probably tired of me lying to him.

There was a pang in my chest and I swallowed dryly.

He handed me the bag quietly and I took it. I set it on the floor beside me, my mind spinning as to how I would send Shinra on his way. _Do I tell him or do I leave things the way they are?_ Unfortunately, I didn't get the chance to choose. The gentle motion of bending slightly to set down the bag re-stirred the agitation within my stomach. I heaved, a hand flying to cover my mouth. My stomach flipped, something sloshing ominously, and I bolted back to the sink in the kitchen.

Something wet and warm seeped between my lips and smeared into my hand.

Once again, I dry heaved, choking up blood into the sink with my fingers curling around the edge. I gasped for breath as the heaving began to slow. My eyes were squeezed shut as I pleaded for it all to stop. _Just let me be._ A bag was discarded somewhere near me, and then Shinra was pulling me away from the sink.

My hip fell into the counter and I used my left hand for support. Shinra grabbed my right arm to stop me from running, not that I _thought_ of it or anything, while his other moved closer to my face. Shinra's hand grabbed onto my jaw sturdily. I didn't resist. He glanced me over quickly, eyes scanning my face and neck area before dropping his hand to my shoulder.

"You're bleeding somewhere. Go lie on the couch." He ordered quietly, casting a glance to the blood I had spit into the sink.

I nodded, turning to rinse off my hand and the blood from the stainless steel. Shinra walked off, retrieving his bag, which had been ditched only a few feet away.

Once my hand was clean and my mouth was rinsed, I shakily made my way into the living room, sitting down carefully onto the couch. My entire being was upset. I couldn't tell if it was my stomach, or my hypothesized demon that was angry, but something within me was mad.

_Very_ mad.

Shinra dumped Shiki's bag and his own onto the coffee table.

"When did the throwing up start again?" Shinra asked sternly. He turned to me, his eyes alight and intrigued, but he was still guarded and displeased with me. He was concerned, I could tell, but wary. Harassing Celty for information while he wasn't home was a huge no-no.

His eyes ran over me and I shuddered.

"Maybe ten minutes before you showed up." I whispered. "I tried to eat a pickle."

"Is your stomach still agitated?" He sat on the coffee table in front of me. "Are you going to throw up again?"

"It's a little agitated, but I don't think I'll gag anymore." I murmured sheepishly. Was it technically my stomach?

He seemed to eye me, before his gaze settled on my stomach. Thoughts were churning in his head, and he seemed to be drawing conclusions. He crossed his arms, one hand gripping his chin in thought. "Is your belly still swollen?"

I shuddered again and looked away.

Shinra sighed heavily.

"Izaya. If you don't tell me what happened, then I can't really help you." I knew it was true, but I also knew that he was withholding information from me. I knew how the game worked, but normally it was me who was in control. Normally I was the one who knew everything, while I got people to submit and open up to me for the hopes of their desired knowledge.

It wasn't comfortable the other way around... but it might be the only way to get rid of my _problem._

I swallowed thickly. There weren't many beneficial options. _I have to tell him._ "I..." My stomach flipped again. I brought a hand up to my lips, a lump forming in my throat, just as something piercing shot through my abdomen in disagreement. It felt like sharp little teeth piercing the flesh inside of me, and I keeled over, my head hitting my knees with my eyes squeezed painfully shut. I gasped, my internal organs clenching like something was clawing at them and squeezing until they burst. I panted for breath several times before holding it as pain washed back over me. There was pressure on my hips like gravity was trying to send me to the ground. A strangled growl erupted from my throat just as hands gently forced me onto my side. I curled into myself, jaw clenched so hard it could have broken. When the wave of pain washed over I gasped for air. I was shaking and panting and sweating.

I glanced up to Shinra with panic in my eyes just as another bite had me whimpering. My face contorted and I shrieked.

"On your back," Shinra's face was serious. Chocolate brown eyes were hard as he pushed my shoulder back, helping me roll over. A pinch of pain forced another whimper from me and I clawed my fingers into the leather of the couch. One hand was on my lower stomach pressing hard like that alone would tame the beast gnawing on me. I tried to breathe calmly. Shinra pried my hand from my stomach, and it searched the back of the couch for something to grab onto before another wave of pain washed over me. My hands found my face, pressing into my eyes as I screeched. My ankles were crossed, knees pressed together and pulled up, and it took half of Shinra's body to keep me from curling into myself.

My shirt was pushed up, cool hands moving across the skin beneath my belly button. I lightly arched into the touch, the coldness offsetting the searing heat within me. I hummed in pain and threw my hands back to my sides, catching a dark scowl on Shinra's face by chance. My shirt was replaced just as it felt like my insides were being torn. _No no no no no. I don't want anything clawing it's way out of my stomach. It's not allowed to. I can't die. I didn't experience the five fears this can't be it. It can't be my time!_ My hands pressed back into my face, a louder whimper escaping me just as searing pain had me curling back on my side. Tears wet my palms and I choked out a cry.

Shinra helped me roll over, but I jerked back into a sitting position. Arms wrapped around my hips, I pressed my face into my knees and sobbed quietly. I was starting to feel light headed and breathless. _Shinra's not doing anything. He can't even do anything. I have to tell him! He can't help me because it's not what's wrong with my body! There's something in me trying to get out!_

I tried to speak, but nothing more than a gasp came out. Shinra pressed a hand to my back, rubbing circles. He was murmuring quietly to me, but I couldn't make out his words. I was panting for breath, and it didn't seem like he was trying to help me anymore.

Maybe he knew that he couldn't.

"What's going on?" Namie's voice fluttered into the apartment and I cringed. I gasped for more air, tightening my grip on myself to try and stop shaking. "Shinra, what's wrong?"

I didn't hear her come near, but a hand suddenly found my head and I noticed Namie kneeling beside me. She ran her long fingers through my hair, her eyes wide. I cried into my knees again as a spasm of pain quivered through my belly. "Izaya, what's wrong?"

"I can't help him." Shinra whispered.

I was breathing hard as the clawing died down. The biting had stopped, and there was nothing left expect for a numb reminder of what had happened. I was still on edge though. I couldn't predict it. Shinra's hand left me and I heard him sigh. "Izaya, you have two options. You're either going to have to wait this out, or I can make you sleep."

I shook my head. I had regained control of my tears at least, and they had simply rubbed into my dark jeans. I panted softly, before raising my head, my eyes bleary from the pain. I hummed lowly, swallowing something metallic.

"I think it's done." I whispered shakily.

"What happened?" Namie asked again. She looked shocked, possibly panicked.

Shinra sighed. He was still sitting on my coffee table, his eyes dark. "I don't know. Izaya, you're bleeding." He reached forward, grabbing my jaw again and forcing my mouth open. "Did you bite your tongue?"

I shook my head with some difficulty.

"Namie there should be cloths in my bag, along with antiseptic wipes." Shinra let me go, looking me over. "Izaya, you're going to have to tell me."

"Okay." Namie turned away, reaching for a bag. I shook my head. I had changed my mind.

A zipper was heard, and Shinra sat back. "Is it done?"

I nodded hesitantly. _Is it really done?_ My breathing had calmed down, and besides the lingering pain, everything seemed to be okay. I was vibrating where I sat. And I felt cold. Incredibly cold. "Wh-what happened?"

Shinra regarded me. He seemed to debate whether or not to tell me. "I think-"

A gasp silenced the room. Something fell to the floor, distracting Shinra for a fraction of a second and he froze. I glanced down, my tired eyes catching what caused the shift in attention. Upon seeing the object in question, I froze as well. The shaking abruptly stopped, along with the rocking sensation in my stomach. I could suddenly feel his eyes on me, piercing holes through my soul, and I couldn't gather enough confidence to meet his gaze.

My stomach dropped in a whole new way. Fresh tears pricked at my eyes and panic exploded back into my chest. The breath rushed from my lungs and my jaw clenched once again. There were things Shinra probably shouldn't know, and then there were things he _definitely_ shouldn't know.

I would take the pain I had just experience over the revelation that had rolled to Shinra's feet.

Gently coming to a stop just below Shinra was a severed head. On it, was medium length and beautiful, silky auburn hair and half lidded sea-green eyes. Her pale skin was flawless just like porcelain. The nose perfectly straight and the slightly parted pink lips full.

I swallowed thickly. Scrap taking the pain. I almost wished I hadn't come back from Hell.

_That's Celty Sturluson's head!_


	10. Chapter Ten

_**Chapter 6/7 has been revamped into one chapter. This is the update for today.**_

_**Enjooy~**_

I was down to two options.

_So. I'm either lying again or telling Shinra the truth._

I couldn't dare myself to raise my eyes. I couldn't meet his. I could practically feel his anger wafting from his body and there was no way I could keep my mask intact while he stared me down. I was still coming down from the pained high I had been in previously, and to my confusion and almost horror, the after effects were wearing off fast. The situations weren't mixing very well in my mind. The lingering pain had quickened my thought executions but I really didn't want to start something I'd regret. I remained silent. Shinra's glare was a completely new sensation and I couldn't help but shiver. My heart was in my throat and I suddenly felt warm. Warm and panicked.

_He's really my only friend, and I can screw this up big time... ha... wait I already screwed this up big time..._

I could almost guarantee that Namie was going to have her neck slit later that night. I was very aware that at the end of the day, I was responsible for the mess I had put myself in, but still. She had one job. To look in Shinra's bag for some wipes or a cloth and somehow, she managed to screw that up. She obviously opened the bag Shiki had given me..._ I thought the bag Shiki gave me was locked?_ If she did anything else stupid, her head might end up severed just to join Celty's real head hidden in my bookshelf.

_That's right. This head must be the fake._

And that was what made the situation so _complicated._

"Izaya?" Shinra's voice caught my attention, and I sheepishly raised my eyes to him. His face was unreadable but his eyes were unnaturally harsh. He was confused, I knew, but mad. Incredibly mad. Normally, I would have found his anger to be entertaining – I did live to see my humans express their emotions, after all – but it was still Shinra. _My _Shinra. The Shinra who over looked my cold exterior to try and understand _why_ I was the way I was. He knew me better than anyone else and he was incredibly forgiving by nature, yet he still seemed to growl out his next sentence, "What is _this_ doing here?"

I swallowed thickly.

"Well," My voice cracked. Namie was standing tall with her arms crossed and she too seemed to be trying to figure out what had happened. She was eyeing the head suspiciously. She knew what it was and she knew all the pieces to my grand puzzle. The question was, did she remember, and could she put everything together? I had fed all of the information to her; she had been my Rook between Tokyo and the outside world, constantly able to travel to which ever pawn or piece I needed her to in the least amount of turns while I, the king, remained at the back of the board laughing.

I swallowed again, making sure to hold Shinra's gaze. "I don't know." I whispered.

It was half true. I honestly had no idea how Shiki got hold over the head, and I sure as hell didn't know why he attempted to _send it_ to his estranged subordinate. I had tried to make the situation as complicated as I could to keep people from figuring out my motive and goal. Shiki's bag just made everything more confusing. _What else could be in the bag?_ My eyes flickered to the unlocked duffel bag in curiosity. There was a file folder falling out from within it, and to my irritation, the barrel of a gun was visible amongst a sea of crumpled newspaper. He set me up. _When was it unlocked? Wait! Did I even check to make sure it was locked? Did he just tell me it was locked to keep me from looking? Why is the Replica in that bag? How did Shiki even get it! It was supposed to go to - _

Things suddenly clicked in my brain and I paled. Shinra noticed, and his face suddenly grew red. He sneered at me with his lips pulling back. "What the hell did you do!?" He suddenly yelled. He abruptly stood up from the coffee table to tower over me, and tower he did. I inwardly wanted to shrink, to avoid his wrath.

Any medical help he had been about to offer me was probably out the window.

I swallowed again, chuckling nervously. I averted my gaze and let it linger on Shiki's bag of mass destruction. "That's a loaded question." My fingers clasped each other into my lap and my foot started to lightly bounce. He had known that I had Celty's head. He had known. But how was I supposed to explain that the real one was still safe in my bookshelf? And that this one was a fake? "Shinra, some things are better left unspoken."

His arm swung in the fraction of a second. I didn't see it, predict it, or have time to stop it. Skin violently hit skin and my face was snapped to the right. I almost fell over from the force. I gasped, staring across my living room in genuine shock. _He just hit me..._

I swallowed hard once again. My cheek burned from the open slap but I didn't dare cradle it. I didn't dare move. _What do I do?_

Namie suddenly decided to open her mouth again, for better or worse. "Izaya, isn't this that replica you got me to make?" Apparently for worse. She stepped forward, suddenly remembering the oddest request I had ever asked of her, and knelt down, gently picking up the head before I could process what she had said. I recovered from the slap and her words just in time to miss my chance of stopping her. "So it is. I thought so, seeing how I know where the real one is."

_One-hundred percent, she is having her throat slit later tonight._ The jitter in my foot abruptly stopped. I squeezed my hands together as my mind sluggishly tried to think of a way out of the situation. My throat went dry just as Shinra carefully took the object from Namie.

"It's... a replica?" He whispered in shock. He looked it over carefully for a few seconds before his eyes met Namie's. His fingers tensed against the skin.

Namie nodded. She offered him a gentle smile. _Is she trying to help me or dig my grave?_ "Don't worry. The real one is safe. It is as safe as it can be."

Shinra's eyes ghosted back over to mine and I couldn't help but shudder. I offered Shinra a small grin, what else could I do? "And once again, _why_ is _this _here?"

"I don't know." I repeated. My eyes drifted to the duffel bag once again. "I don't know why-"

"Can you stop lying for a second?" Shinra asked like it was a favour. His voice was harsh. He was still standing above me and it took all of my inner control to not curl away from him. He raised his hands in a confused gesture and I flinched. "Here I have a _replica_ of _Celty's head_, in a bag given to _you_ from _Shiki_, and you are just trying to tell me that it was conveniently coincidental?"

I had to give him credit. He was thinking on my level. "No, I am trying to say that-"

Trying to say what? I didn't even know what I was trying to say, let alone how I would convey that message to Shinra. I suddenly stopped mid sentence with the air rushing from my lungs. I started to shiver, even though the heat had kicked in long ago. _What do I say? What do I tell him?_ My problem was that he was my friend. He was the only human being who accepted my personality the way it was, all faults included. He was the only person who could stand me and genuinely liked me. Namie didn't like me, she just put up with me. And then there were people like Saki who wrongfully adored me because I had practically brain washed them into thinking so. Those people were my humans; humans I adored because they were so vast and complex.

But this was Shinra.

He knew I was lying. He knew that I wasn't telling him the full story. And he knew that I had all of the information stored away in my brain. He knew. He was _certain. __No questions._

It was the way his chocolate eyes scanned over my face in disappointment. He had trusted me because he thought we mutually understood each other. I knew he wouldn't look twice at humanity while he knew that I wouldn't look twice at someone like Celty. His love lied in the supernatural world, while mine remained in my god-like realm of observation. Our natural personalities should have conflicted, but somehow we ended up fitting together perfectly.

And he knew. He knew that something peculiar and unimaginable was happening to me. He knew. I knew that he knew. And yet I was still lying.

_Why am I lying to him?_

Pain suddenly shot up through my stomach, making me jump out of my thoughts. Once again, the demon swirling inside of my lower belly bit me. My hands jolted around my hips and I tensed my jaw to keep the pain off of my expression. _Why are you biting me?_

There was a _swoosh_ inside of my belly_,_ followed by a thought. _Make him leave __and I'll stop__._ Confusion showed on my face. What would stop? The pain? Wait. It was _conversing_ with me?

Shinra cleared his throat, bringing my attention back to him. I met his angry eyes once again as I decided my course of action. "Well? You are trying to say what?"

I swallowed dryly before standing up. I didn't really have two options, so I went with it. "You need to leave." I said quietly. I tried to keep the threat out of my voice.

Shinra chuckled, before full out laughing at me. "Oh wow, Izaya. Yes. Yes! Yes! I totally forgot who you are!" He laughed some more, pointing a finger at me. My heart dropped in my chest, the blood draining from my face. "You, you are the God who loves all of humanity! You love all of humanity, not individuals! Why? Because you can't love people. I know. You've told me. So I guess I should have seen this coming. I am just an individual, so you don't actually need me." He narrowed his eyes. "You know, if humanity as a whole ever comes to love you, then what? You'll just forsake them all anyway. You're fragile and stupid to think that you can live and support yourself alone. You need people, yet here you are, shoving me away, lying to my face, and -"

"Shinra, stop." My voice wavered and I took a step back around the couch. I could feel that wretched feeling in my heart, like something was breaking and snapping away. My mask returned to my face full force. Not a trace of emotion to be seen. My voice however, was still wavering just above a whisper.

"No." Shinra said stubbornly, like a small child denying a direct order. "I will not stop, because you will not stop. You're destroying yourself, Izaya. You chose this path, you chose this life, and when things get bad, you run. You can't expect people to stay by your side forever, especially when you treat them the way you do. No wonder humanity hates your guts. You don't really love them. You don't know how to."

I took a step back. My mask was holding, but my heart wasn't.

"You cheat and lie and trick and steal. You do, and I know. I do the same, but not to the people closest to me. Have I ever lied to you? Have I ever tried to trick you into doing something? No. Because I thought you were my friend, and I would never do that to someone I cared about. I thought that if I opened up to you and treated you right, that you would do the same." Shinra suddenly gestured widely to the whole room, "But here we are, and I was wrong."

Namie had averted her gaze. She was uncomfortably rubbing her arm while something on my carpet kept her undying attention. Shinra was still looking at me, and I felt my cheeks heat up, along with the corner of my eyes. I clenched my jaw to keep myself from saying anything unnecessary.

Shinra swallowed hard. He crossed his arms with a frown. We stared at each other for several prolonged moments before he pushed up his glasses and turned away from me, back towards his medical bag. "Well, I think my work here is done."

I turned away before he could even move and headed for the door. I needed fresh air. Or space. Or something. My breathing had become heavy while my eyes blurred. My mind was fogging and clouding over, my thoughts running into each other and crashing out of sync. It was hard to breathe as I slipped into my jacket and my heart was beating violently in my chest. I slipped into my shoes next just as my eyes threatened to tear up. My stomach, however, was perfectly fine.

It hadn't felt so good in days.

"Shinra, can I talk to you?" I heard Namie whisper before I exited my own apartment in a rush. I didn't need or want to hear anything else. I didn't even want to be there.

I had screwed up. Majorly.

The door accidentally slammed closed behind me. I hesitated in the hallway for a moment, debating on whether or not I should lock it.

Deciding that Namie would take care of it – and even if she didn't, then whatever – I simply decided to storm off down the hallway. I took the stairs instead of the elevator in an attempt to blow off next to no steam as I rushed down them in a borderline panic. There was no pain in my body as I jumped the last step and squeaked my way through the main office to the sliding doors. I didn't even realize I was running.

The warm air of the afternoon hit me right in the face. The sun was high and proud like almost every other day, but the warmth on my skin did not make me feel good. I disappeared into the crowd immediately, heading towards Ikebukuro where I knew I could probably run off some stress. _Dammit! Shinra why? Why did this happen?_ There was an ache in my chest as I blended in with the bustling sidewalks of Shinjuku. My mouth was still bone dry and my limbs were trembling like it was winter. I was jogging, seemingly unable to walk. _I need a distraction. Distraction. It's okay, dammit, I'm okay._

Heh. I was just lying to myself.

I headed down the street, and then opted to take an alley. _If anything, I thought I would have felt fear __being alone down here__._ The alley did nothing to my feelings; it was like the shooting had never even happened. I was almost surprised, and a little disappointed. _I'd rather feel fear than shame._ I sort of wanted to get the fear train rolling. It had been too long, the threat had been too open, and I felt myself becoming more nervous as time progressed. Something terrible was going to happen and the anticipation was hurting me. Breathless, I slowed down to a walk and let the confusion of today's events take over my mind. When would these fears come? _Soon. Like tomorrow soon._

My hands slid down to my lower stomach over my zipped up jacket. In a sudden burst of frustration, I started speaking like there was actually something inside of me. "Now listen here, you little bitch," I growled, hoping that the creature – if it actually existed – could hear me, "I don't know what your purpose is, or why you're in there, but if you don't cut out the biting and scratching, I'll cut you out instead. You hear me?" I rubbed my hands like I was scratching an itch. "If you make me happy, then maybe I will make you happy. So I don't know what your problem was, but you got me into trouble, yes?"

To my horror and surprise, there was a grumble from within me. Something vibrated, I could feel it inside against my hip bones, and I suddenly choked on the rest of my lecture. _There's something growing inside of me._ I felt the stress and anxiety from earlier hit me full force. There was something inside of me. I had been raped in Hell, and now there was something growing in my belly. _No, no, shit, no!_ My chest constricted and a sweat broke out on my forehead as I rubbed what Shinra liked to call 'swelling'.

Before I knew it, I had exited the alley and was once again merging with regular human beings in a rush. My hands slid into my pockets, pressing against my belly protectively. People walked past me without even glancing my way. I inhaled sharply, forcing my mind to ignore what had just happened. The _thing_ could wait. I couldn't deal with it at the moment. _You don't know how to love people. _Was it true? Was that how the world saw me? _You would just forsake them all anyway. _In my time of absolute need, I had shoved Shinra as far away as possible. My fingers began to tremble inside of my pockets. I was dooming myself. I was walking the path of death.

_I don't have any other friends, right? _Shinra was probably the only person who could physically save me from the monster that I had bred myself. _Demons are spawned from sin, and sin has been my life._ But was that entirely true? I had helped people out before, in my own twisted way of course. I had humbly excused myself, never taking the glory. I wasn't one to gloat about my self achievements; I was never one to talk about myself anyway.

My stomach suddenly growled, not in anger or annoyance, but in pure hunger. I glanced down to my stomach as I slowly took the next corner. Russia sushi was not too far away, maybe ten minutes if I walked quickly, which I seemed to be doing, and I suddenly had this huge craving for some fatty tuna. My stomach churned and my mouth salivated at the mere thought. _I don't want to puke again._ I groaned, turning the ten minute walk into a twenty minute walk as I debated.

_Can I actually eat? Oh wow, that sounds delicious right now~ you better let me eat, you little prick._ I rubbed my stomach solemnly as it growled again. I had to force the worry from showing on my face. This whole ordeal was panic worthy.

"Eat sushi! It good for you! It no make you sick- Izaya! How are you!" I stopped walking and glanced up at the large black Russian man. He grinned down at me, a large hand slapping down on my shoulder. _Weird. I had predicted touching to be one of my fears._ It had suddenly occurred to me that Shinra had made skin contact below my belly button and I had been fine. _What the hell are these fears, then? I haven't experienced any of them, and the ones that I assumed are incorrect!_ "Izaya," Simon lowered his voice, suddenly switching into Russian, "You don't look very good. I heard something on the streets that you had been killed."

I nodded, plastering a grin on my face. I replied to him in his own language. "Yeah, there's a rumour going around. It's good to see you again."

Simon was grinning, but his eyes were hard. "You look like you've been fighting. You should stay out of trouble for a while."

My stomach suddenly roared, reminding me of my hunger and craving. Simon glanced at me, surprised, and then he scowled. He switched back to Japanese, "Izaya, why you no eat? Your stomach hungry, come, eat sushi. Juicy tuna for you today." He ushered me into the restaurant and I didn't resist.

A minute later and I was sitting at the bar with a cup of steaming hot green tea. I thanked Simon quietly, pulling out my phone after he promised me a free meal. I had one new message, and I secretly hoped that it wasn't Shinra. As terrible as I felt about the whole ordeal, I still didn't want to deal with it so soon.

Even better, it was from Namie. [Shinra just left. He gave me some instructions to try and help you. What you did earlier wasn't right, but it was typical of you. By the way, some clients called. Am I still putting everyone on hold? And what about Shiki?]

I sighed, spinning in the bar chair once before stopping. Denis, the chef preparing my meal, was eyeing me wearily, so I smiled cheerfully at him.

[Just put everyone on hold. If Shiki calls for an appointment, then he knows I'm alive. Let him book a time.]

And with that, I slipped my cell phone back into my pocket – hopefully for forever. I sipped my tea quietly while my mind tried to calmly process what had happened earlier. _Shinra really chewed me out. I shouldn't have... I just... Damn. What am I doing?_

My thoughts kept wandering and I didn't know how to stop them.

There was also the whole ordeal with Shiki and the replica of Celty's head. _What am I to do about all of that?_ The situation was confusing. To explain it simply... well...

"Here you go. Eat." A plate was suddenly pushed in front of me and I glanced down. The smell hit me first, the delicious aroma of fresh fish floating into my nose, and then my eyes scanned over the perfectly prepared rolls amongst the ginger. My stomach growled in anticipation. I sniffed it appreciatively, my mouth suddenly wetting as I broke my chop sticks. _No wonder people call it food porn. Even I could probably get off on this._ I chuckled at the thought - fatty tuna might actually be my thing – squeezing my eyes shut as I honestly debated eating. I didn't think for long, though, and picked up the first roll, eagerly taking a bite. I chewed extra long, savouring the delicious taste that raised my spirits before it all came crashing down.

Or so I expected.

Surprisingly, my stomach accepted the bite, only growling for more. I rubbed my belly happily, a giggle escaping my lips. _My little demon likes fatty tuna. Good. Let me eat!_ The first roll was gone within seconds, followed by the second and third roll. Before I knew it, I had cleared out the entire plate with ease. My stomach didn't protest in the slightest.

And better yet, nothing threatened to come back up.

I sipped my tea cheerfully. So what, I had a fight with Shinra? I had been in pain and irritated and hungry. I could make it up to him. I could win him back as my friend, and rightfully keep him there. So what, there was a little demonic creature growing in my belly? If I really tried, I was sure that I could find a way to get rid of it. Celty was a death faerie, certainly asking her indirectly would lead me to my answers. And so what, Shiki had it out for me? I was charismatic enough to get myself into the situation, so therefore I was charismatic enough to get myself out of it.

Simple solutions for my simply dramatic problems.

I spun in the stool, suddenly beaming. _I just ate! An entire plate of fatty tuna! And I didn't get sick!_ I couldn't help the giggles that escaped my throat. I was just so elated! _This is better than __the high I get when I watch people__! Oh I am so excited!_ I spun once more with a giggle before I stopped dead in my spin.

There sitting at the other end of the bar was Shizuo Heiwajima.


	11. Chapter Eleven

My eyes honed in on him, and he shifted from the intense stare I was sending. Rolling his thick honey eyes, he glanced my way, his chin placed in his hand like he was bored. He was slouched over the bar and didn't seem to overly care about my presence. _How long has he been there?_ His mouth twitched in irritation at the mere sight of me but he didn't move to chase me._Worst of all, how long ago did he notice me?_ I grinned. I couldn't resist the urge.

I jumped from my seat and happily skipped over to the man who had recently learned to tolerate me. I grinned broadly, plopping myself onto the stool right beside him. "My Shizu-chan. I didn't even see you over here."

He blinked at me from behind his blue shades, unaffected by my purring tone of voice. "You were too busy shoving food into your mouth. I see you got your appetite back." He hummed in thought, and my eyes narrowed suspiciously. "I'm guessing you just have an eating disorder, right?"

I scoffed at him, spinning in the seat. "How rude of you to judge me. You know, Shinra says..." My voice trailed off and I abruptly stopped. The smile never left my face despite the dark thoughts drifting through my mind. _He probably won't forgive you. You __replicated__ his girlfriends head and tried to start a war with it__..._ I swallowed thickly before grinning back at Shizuo. "Shinra says I should be okay. I know you're tyrannosaurus sized brain can't comprehend the fact that I too can be sick, but it's okay Shizu-chan. I'll forgive you." I would have patted his head like a puppy had I not feared my arm getting ripped off.

Shizuo simply chuckled, his eyes never leaving mine and his temper remaining stable. "So you're basically saying that you are human, and not a God?"

I narrowed my eyes, suddenly disliking how the conversation was going. "What?"

Shizuo sighed, straightening out as Simon brought him his plate of sushi. He removed his sunglasses, hiding them inside of his vest while thanking Simon for the food. "Oh, Izaya, be nice to Shizuo. He had bad day with Tom. You had bad day too. I see. You two be nice and eat food. Food make bad day good." Simon nodded encouragingly. Shizuo ignored both of us and ate a piece of... _I hope that was mackerel?_

Simon drifted away to attend to another customers needs. Shizuo decided to answer my inquiry."Yeah. You're no God." He glanced over to me with a small grin like he had proof or something. Something inside his miniscule brain was entertaining him, and it involved me.

I sneered. _So what if I'm not a God. That doesn't make me human still. __Right now, I am probably less human than Celty._"And how do you figure?"

Shizuo didn't even contemplate it. "Well. You got hurt. You cried. And now you're sick? That makes you human, or at least an animal of some sort." I straightened in the stool like someone suddenly pulled on an invisible string attached to my head. _That's right. My break down that one morning._ Internally growling, I mustered up my best enraged glare.

Shizuo snickered like I was some little kitten puffing up and trying to look nasty. I glared and dejectedly spun around in the chair. "Shizu-chan is so calm nowadays~ It's no fun."

"Good. Maybe you'll leave me alone." He said casually while throwing more sushi into his mouth.

And there was that feeling again. The one in my chest where it felt like my heart was squeezing. I spun around once more before the sensation settled into my stomach. _Shizuo doesn't even hate me anymore. Shinra doesn't like me anymore and Shizuo doesn't hate me. They are becoming indifferent to me. _I ran my tongue over my chapped bottom lip. _It's like I'm disappearing. At this rate, no one will even think about me when my end finally comes._

The whole purpose of my being, gone.

I stopped spinning and suddenly jumped up. I felt a little bit sick. Shizuo's gaze landed on me but I didn't look at him. I didn't look at anyone. I just stood, judging whether or not my stomach was agreeing with the fish. So far, it didn't look too promising.

"Izaya, you're really white..."

I walked way from him, disappearing around the side of the counter and heading into the bathroom. The heavy brown door took a little too much effort to push open, but I somehow managed. I stumbled in to the clean but dim bathroom, shoving open the ugly blue door to the first stall. I stepped in with my hands on the walls, bracing myself. The churning was starting up, but the heaving was still at bay. _This feels terrible. _The toilet bowl below me was clean – for the time being. I closed my eyes so I didn't have to see it.

Behind my gentle panting, I heard the door _swoosh _open and quiet shoes padded into the room. I chuckled under my breath, straightening up as the feeling of being sick passed. "Shizu-chan, if we stay in here together too long, people might think we're having hate sex."

There was an irritated snort from behind me, but Shizuo kept his distance. "Only Anime freaks would think something like that could be logical."

I chuckled, rubbing my stomach slowly. Was it just me, or was the room getting really warm? "Shizu-chan. If you used your imagination, you would realize that it could be logical." I stepped from the stall, letting my back fall against the wall right beside it. My stomach was calming the more I talked, so I talked just for the sake of feeling better. "You know, Erika seems to think we have a _thing_ going on. I wonder who started that?" I narrowed my eyes to indicate that Shizuo indeed had started that theory.

He was so adamant about hating me.

Shizuo sneered, stepping closer. "Never mind your perverted thoughts; I heard about Shinra."

_So that's what he wanted to talk about. _My stomach dropped at the thought. _Of course he heard. He's best friends with Celty._ I felt the blood drain from my face, and my stomach flipped again. _Time to leave._ "That's nice, Shizzy-chan. But I think we should have this conversation at another time-"

One strong hand grabbed my shoulder and forced me back against the wall. "You see, I don't know what sick game you're playing, but don't you have any boundaries?" He stepped closer, into my space. _Do I have boundaries? No. I'm not supposed to. Gods are limitless._ The creature in my belly suddenly shifted, and I fidgeted uncomfortably. _I'm not scared even though he's in my space. What is up with this!?_ I groaned, trying to shift out of his grasp. It was just one hand, how was I trapped by only one hand?

"Shizuo, let me go." I shifted again as the flipping in my stomach became more intense. "Shizuo!"

He pushed me back against the wall and kept me there. _Last time this happened, I ended up with two broken wrists._ I shifted irritably, perhaps slightly panicked, while Shizuo growled out something about how I shouldn't have any friends. I suddenly became aware of how close he was to me. The way his breath smelled. How heavy his hand was on my shoulder. How easy it would be for him to just flip me around and just-

One last flip in my stomach sent me on impulse mode. I grabbed Shizuo by his groin with enough force to make a regular man scream, stunning him into silence. He froze before me, giving me the chance to flexibly slip myself out of his shocked grip, duck between his legs, and dash into the empty bathroom behind him.

He turned sputtering, before the oh so common scream of my name.

I made it to the stall just in time to empty out my stomach contents. Hunching over as I relocated the oh so worth it tuna, I chuckled. One. Two. Three. Six. All eight rolls came up separately. I used the back wall to support myself until I was done, and then I laughed. I laughed at how desperate I had become. Weak. I was proud to keep down sushi for more than ten minutes. _This is who I've become._ I laughed some more, half consciously aware that Shizuo had stepped in behind me. _I am fading... slipping away. My real self is fading just like He said..._ I dropped down to the floor with a whimper; defeated. Laughing done and gone, it was replaced with empty numbness.

_There's something wrong with me. I need to apologize to Shinra._

Resting my head against the stall, my vision turned dark with the threat of tears just as what felt like burning fire cascaded over me.

_I sat on my knees in the dark._

_It was pitch black and I couldn't see anything around me. The darkness was thick in a suffocating way but I was calm like in the floating dreams that had been plaguing my mind since the night of the shooting. It was amazing how one could go from being perfectly fine to being incredibly unwell in the matter of minutes, seconds even, and how those fleeting moments could change ones life so drastically that they almost didn't recognize themselves in the mirror._

_Absolutely fascinating._

_Darkness had never bothered me, nor did dreams. And yet I still felt slightly uncomfortable as I sat there in the epitome of black. I closed my eyes with a gentle exhale. If I couldn't see, there was no point in trying to look, right? It was a weird sensation, my personality at that moment, like a blast from the past. I felt confident and mighty, like it didn't matter which senses weren't working. As long as my brain was still functioning, I could survive and prevail over anything in my way. As long as I could think and rationalize, everything would be alright. It was almost funny that I had been so emotional since I had left Shinra's. Almost._

"_Orihara..."_

_My ears picked up a soft, distant whisper and I felt my stomach clench in discomfort. Right. I had been so emotional because of _what_ happened._

"_Izaya..."_

_I shivered even though there was no breeze. I wasn't warm, nor was I cold. I was perfectly content, temperature wise. My hands were clasped gently in my lap and my head was hanging low. Despite the fact that I felt like smiling, my lips were pulled down into a frown. My shoulders felt weighed down and I didn't even bother to move. I didn't overly feel like fighting against the forces that bound me. What were these emotions even supposed to be? They hung over me like glue desperately trying to stick paper together. Heavy and clogging._

"_Izaya... did you forget about us?"_

_The voices. They were echoing throughout the space like hundreds of different people, young and old. _No. I haven't forgotten. _Slowly, I opened my eyes to see a white candle flicker to life before me. It glinted in my eyes and I flinched. _Fire._ It was just bright enough to illuminate my body against the swallowing darkness and saving me from what should have been the despair of suffering without my vision. I could now see that my knees were bare – as was the rest of me - and I chuckled lightly as the flame danced against the dark. Why was it so funny? My giggles escalated like something ironic had happened. I was sitting naked in the darkness of a floating world before a lit candle, laughing hysterically. Could it be? The events that had taken place would either make me or break me, but which was which?_

_I laughed loudly and it echoed back to me. My options were to lose myself to the insanity of the situation, or to break down emotionally and become less than everything I had consider lowly. I could laugh and rise up to become a fallen God, or I could allow myself to plummet back down into humanity. I could feel the laughter draining from me rather quickly. Sane or insane, the choice was mine. My once hysterical chuckles slowly turned into terrified sobs. The light flutter in my heart was replaced with heavy foreboding. I wrapped my arms across my bare chest in a protective gesture as I made my decision. I knew what I needed to do, but it was just so _hard.

"_Izaya..."_

_I knew the answers to all of my questions. I always did. I just sometimes had a problem accessing the information on a conscious level. Perhaps the depths of my mind would tell me what I wanted to know because there was too much knowledge floating around for me to dig it up myself."What are the five fears?" I spoke it out loud as if asking had been the main purpose of my dream. If I have fears, then they were already developed from the incident, and my body must know what they are. My sub conscious could tell me. _I must know. I must remember.

"_They are intriguing." Said a voice. It was high pitched like that of a small girl._

"_They are terrifying." Deep and rusty, like an old worn man._

"_They are normal."_

"_They aren't you, but they do reflect you."_

"_Maybe they are the very definition of you."_

"_You know what they are. You know. They're all here. Right now."_

"_Isn't that right Izaya?"_

"_They are here. You can feel them."_

_My skin pricked and I shuddered. I rubbed my arms slowly as my eyes glanced around in the darkness. I curled into myself to let my forehead rest against my knees as the voices continued to harass me. I closed my eyes again to block out the flame as it began to flicker wildly. It unnerved me and I felt my chest constrict with anxiety. One wrong move and that flame would birth an unstoppable disaster. My mind was swirling, fears were tumbling through my brain, but what were those images? Why wasn't I allowed to know?_

_Or maybe they were telling me, and I just wasn't understanding._

"_Can you see them, Izaya? Or is it too dark?"_

"_They're here. Light the match and see them."_

"_You have committed crimes. You have violated humanity."_

"_We want you to atone for your sins. Forever."_

"_Atone. Izaya. Why did you do it? Why?"_

"_Why?"_

"_Why?"_

"_Why?"_

_I placed my hands over my ears to try and muffle the words. It was then that larger hands wrapped around my own, and my body was pulled back perfectly into the hard curve of another. My eyes shot open, wide and stunned as familiarity washed over me. The skin was hot. Searingly so. I gasped, struggling to move as I tried to wiggle my hips away, but I was held fast. Claws dug into my flesh while legs wrapped around me, holding me still in a crushing kind of way. I couldn't move, so I squeezed my eyes shut and tried not to panic. I tried not to respond. I tried to appear indifferent and boring. I tried to keep my mask; but my very own will defied me._

_The gift._

"_Your fears are all right here."_

I sat up gasping.

It was black. Pitch black.

My breath came out in hysteric gasps that did nothing but echo in my ears. It didn't feel like I was getting any oxygen and my chest was becoming heavy and pained from the strain. Almost like I was drowning. Panting for breath, I tried to move, tried to shift, but I was caught up in something. My heart rate increased as my hands sprung out to force whatever it was that was holding me away. My movements became frantic jerks as I tried to push everything around me somewhere else. I needed to protect myself. _Something is going to harm me._ Whatever it was, it was cold and foreign and wrapped tightly around my torso and thighs. I managed to untangle my legs, shifting them underneath my body, just as a soft voice caught my attention.

"_Izaya..."_

I froze like the dead. Was I still dreaming? A whimper loudly fell from my throat as I somehow managed to shift onto my knees. The ground beneath me shifted slightly like... sand? It was too soft to be sand, but I couldn't distinguish the texture through my jeans. Maybe I was still dreaming – I wouldn't sleep in my jeans, after all. _It doesn't matter. _I shuffled away from the voice and reached out my arms as I tried to stand, to run. The voice had come from my left. _Where am I? _I turned my head away, desperately trying to see something, _anything._ I blinked harshly as my eyes adjusted.

Shadows darker than the night flickered around me, chanting my name.

I needed to run.

"_You are not Godly. You are not good."_

I gasped once again, finally getting to my feet, just when -

_Wham!_

I fell. Gravity grabbed a hold of me and I fell. Sensations and directions swarmed me. I couldn't tell which way was up or down as air rushed directionless past my ears. My face struck something rather hard, something shifted and scraped across a wall, and I landed on a cold wooden floor. I cringed and grabbed at my forehead, sliding my fingers into my hair. My hand was met with something warm and wet. Whatever I had hit, something else fell with me and I heard glass shatter somewhere near my face only seconds later. I felt a shard or two bounce off my fingers and I flinched into myself as I tried to protect my face from any more damage. My forehead stung and my gasp was louder than I expected it to be. I curled up on the floor with a quiet sob. _No, no, no, no... I need to go!_

"_Izaya. You'll kill everyone who gets close to you."_

Not wasting a minute, I forced myself to my feet wildly just as what sounded like a door swung open. Pain shot up through my left foot as I flinched and took a step backwards. A gentle breeze hit me and I froze where I stood, trying to blend into the darkness, breath held. But the darkest shadows were grabbing at me. I could feel it, like fingers wrapping around my limbs and bodies grazing against mine.

"_No,"_

A light flicked on and I choked on my own air supply. My eyes squeezed to block out the blinding light but I could still see _him._

Shizuo stood in the door way looking rather disoriented. His blonde hair was messy and his half lidded eyes were glassy like he had been sleeping. He was wearing black jogging pants the hung low from his hips and a loose white tee that looked older than myself. With one hand still on the light switch, he yawned.

"What happened?" He blinked away some bleariness, obviously taking in my state of panic. My breathing had not calmed and I could feel myself trembling. I was still in attack mode, my body rigid and bent forward to either escape or strike. Honey eyes glanced over the scene before him. The bed with the sheets and blankets thrown about. The end table that was four feet further away then it should have been. The lamp that had fallen and smashed on the floor. The blood beneath my foot and on my forehead. The shaking in my hands and the panic and possible fear in my eyes.

His throat bobbed as he swallowed.

He took a step closer.

"No." I inwardly panicked and raised my hands to stop him. I took another step back and arched my body away from him. _Don't come near me._

He cleared his throat. His eyes became stern and he stepped into my space. He reached an arm out to me, palm up, but waited for me to approach him. I felt some of my panic dissipate at his lack of force. "Come. You hit your head." His voice was gruff and strained, but clear.

I forced my breathing to slow but I shook my head. "Shizuo. Why do you even care. You hate me, right? Why are you helping me?" _You don't understand how hard it is for me to accept help..._

Shizuo scoffed before grabbing my wrist and dragging me with him. I squeaked in protest as we disappeared from his bedroom and out into the dark hall. The light was fading quickly as he dragged my struggling form into the darkness. It was then that the pain in my foot and forehead slapped me. I started to limp. But I didn't really care. The eerie shadows were back and they were whispering to me. Hands reaching out to try and grasp me as I went by. The only thing keeping me grounded was Shizuo's grip. His hand felt like the jaws of a lion and the skin contact was burning me inside. Suddenly on edge, I somehow managed to keep pace with him as he forced me through his tiny house. Maybe f feet later, he stopped.

"Dumb ass, stop struggling. I told you I would help you get better, so let me.." He muttered like it was the most logical thing in the world.

At the end of the hallway, he shoved open a door. Stepping into his, say, puny bathroom, he flipped on the light and motioned for me to sit on the edge of the bathtub. The lights were dim and grossly yellow, and everything in the room was an off shade of white, except for the navy shower curtain. But aside from the gross colours, the entire room was spotless.

"Shizuo,"

"No." He rummaged through the cabinet below the sink before producing a cloth in his hands. I carefully sat down where he had instructed and kept my mouth shut. My lips were pressed into a firm line and my eyes were wide as I watched his every movement. _He said he won't hurt me. Why am I so worried?_ He ran the cloth under the tap with a distasteful frown on his lips. "You were practically screaming in your sleep."

I kept my gaze strong. My mouth remained closed.

"Mind telling me what _that_ was about?" Shizuo glanced at me from beneath his fringe. He wrung out the cloth before handing it to me.

I hesitated. _If you only knew._ I quietly accepted the warm cloth and used it to dab at my forehead. I could hardly feel the sting as I pressed against it. There was too much going through my mind. _Your fears are all here._ But where were they? My eyes dropped to the off white tiles. I felt like they had told me, the voices.

I almost laughed. Shit, I was going crazy, wasn't I?

_I know what they are... but I can't remember..._

Shizuo grunted at my silence and then turned away from me. I glanced up just to see him leaving. He made his way out of the bathroom, silently disappearing into the dark hallway without a seconds notice.

_Shizuo, wait._ I wanted to call out, but I swallowed the words back instead. I dropped my gaze again and my head hung. I gently dabbed the blood from my forehead as confusing thoughts swirled my mind. _There is no time for any of this._ Dropping the cloth from my face, I lifted my socked foot and rested it on the opposite knee, suddenly discovering a rather large shard of glass sticking from my heel. _Minor injuries. _I inhaled as I pulled it out without a second thought.

"Oooow..." I slipped the black sock off and then pressed the cloth against the newly bleeding wound. I glanced up in annoyance, waiting for Shizuo to come back. _Where did he go, I need him here._ But then again, maybe it was for the better? _I probably shouldn't tell anyone what's happening to me..._

Something outside the doorway caught my eye and my heart rate spiked. Call me crazy, but I could have sworn that the shadows were closing in from beyond the bathroom door. Fat sprites were floating against the edge of the light, muttering and moaning my name. I felt that betraying tremble trickle back up and into my finger tips. It invaded my chest and clogged up my throat. It was a feeling I didn't know well, but I knew it well enough to identify it by name.

_Fear._

My stomach swirled in agreement. _It's like my fear of death. I'm scared of what happens in that state. I am scared of becoming nothing, and nothing happens to be in the state of death._ _In that sense, I am scared of what happens in the dark. In the dark..._Maybe I was imagining things? But their chanting was becoming louder from beyond the door. The panic in my chest wasn't only from the looming blackness before me or the fact that demons were harassing my every day life.

I was afraid of what they were saying.

"_Izaya. You killed my daughter."_

"_Orihara-san. You are not worthy."_

"_Give up. Give up."_

"Shizuo." I called weakly from where I sat. My voice seemed to drown against the taunting of the ghosts. I was rigid. The room was becoming noisy at an alarming rate and I could feel my breath was becoming erratic once again. "Shizuo..."

"_You deserve to die."_

"_Humanity hates you, you'll be the death of all of us."_

"_Give up and die."_

"_There is a special place in Hell just for you."_

"_Just like a pet."_

I dropped the cloth and inched as far back as I could on the edge of the bath tub without falling in. I gasped and jumped to my feet as something rustled against the shower curtain, erupting from the slightest shadow. Something moved from the corner of my eye and I quickly moved, backing myself into the wall across from the sink. I sat shaking between the door and the tub.

"_You are... no longer... Izaya Orihara... you are..."_

"What's wrong?"

"_A monster..."_

"_Who will birth the sin,"_

The noises completely disappeared and my gaze whirled back to face Shizuo. He was holding an adhesive pad with some tape. His face suddenly contorted and he dropped the items onto the sink. "You're really white. And shaking." He approached me slowly, seemingly unable to understand what was happening. _If you only knew..._ He didn't know what to do, so he stayed just within arms reach.

"I'm..." I tried to moisten my dried out mouth and to force words from my breathless lungs, "I'm going..." I ended up hunching forward cross-legged, resting my forehead against the freezing tile. _Breathe._ My lungs were refusing to cooperate and they were sending my heart in a state of pure panic. A warm hand fell onto my back gently and I shuddered. I sat back up abruptly, pushing the hand off of me and breathing deeply. _I'm fine. I'm fine._

"Izaya," Shizuo sat in front of me, his voice stern. "What happened." It wasn't a question, it was a demand. He almost looked freaked out.

I looked away, debating what to say. _What happened to me? This is not like me at all. I might as well just keep lying... but I'm playing with my life now, not other peoples._ I shivered, keeping my gaze well averted. _Do I tell him? __What do I do?_

"Shizuo..." My breathing wasn't helping the situation. I wasn't hysterically panicking, but my state was still alarming. _I managed to not tell Shinra... __And there's no way I'll trust Shizuo over him..._ "Shizuo, I-"

"You've been weird." Shizuo cut me off and I suddenly felt trapped. My inhale was cut short when I froze. I glanced to him uncertainly, noticing that I had wedged myself into a bad position. Shizuo was blocking the door, and his eyes were hard and serious.

I wasn't ready for an interrogation. Secrets were secrets for a reason.

"You've been weird, and acting sketchy." Shizuo said simply. He scratched his chin as he thought. "Hmm, yeah and you've be keeping secrets. Yeah."

I brushed it off lightly, but carefully. I breathed, "Shizu-chan. Everyone has secrets."

He nodded in agreement. Crossing his arms across his chest, he sat himself comfortably on the floor like he was planning to stay there all night. "Yeah but you are very... _you._ You know? And right now, you're not being _you._"

All the anxiety that had built up in my chest for being interrogated and confronted about what was wrong, suddenly blew out the window. _Is he making sense? He's not making sense. Shizu-chan is high or something._ Everything stopped dead as my brain over worked in trying to understand what he had said. My breathing evened out as confusion swirled in my thoughts. _What?_

"Don't give me that look." Shizuo huffed, shrugging and closing his eyes. He tried again. "You know. _You._ Laughing at every one and everything, and getting into everyone's business, always one step ahead, cocky, _smirking_," His eyebrow twitched just thinking about it, "_You_ things. Those are all _you _things and sitting on my bathroom floor after having a panic attack and screaming in your sleep is not _you._"

I blinked, genuinely shocked.

"Throwing up fatty tuna – remember in high school, when Simon dragged us in kicking and screaming one day and tried to force us to make up, and I dared you to eat four plates of tuna and you did?" I nodded in confirmation. _That had been hilarious. Shizu-chan got so mad cause I could eat more than him._ "You didn't even get sick then. I have never seen you sick. And in Shinra's bathroom. Shit. You leave for almost a year, you come back, you act normal, and then somehow someone gets the upper hand on you, and you change." He was running on a tangent, I could tell. His face had become stern with irritation and anger as he spoke. "You've changed, and it's more annoying and pathetic than before."

"Ouch."

"You can't even take care of yourself, you're pushing everyone away, avoiding your 'humans', and something is _weird._ I know Shinra's strange and all, but when he is seriously telling me to try and help you because he can't do it himself, then I know there's something up. Something abnormal. Kind of like me." Shizuo glowered at me. I secretly wanted to shrink. "Celty even thinks there is something weird, and that's coming from her who's only scared of aliens and shit."

"And your point?"

"What happened." And there it was, the demand again. The demand to know what had been haunting me since I had returned to life.

I shook my head. No. I couldn't tell him.

"The fuck, Izaya. You have a meeting with God? Did he remind you that you are human?" Shizuo snarled and I visibly cringed. My heart squeezed and I suddenly stood up with my eyes averted. _This conversation is over. __I need to leave..._ Shizuo was on his feet and blocking my way again, still snarling, "You have a second chance now. Not everyone is as lucky as you, so don't screw it up."

"Shizuo..." I whispered. He moved to grab me but I violently jerked away. "Don't _touch_ me."

He did it anyway, latching on to my wrist and hauling me closer. I cringed, pulling away with all of my strength. _Why is he always such an oblivious brute?_ I tried to rip my arm from his, but Shizuo was suddenly pushing me back, slamming my back into the wall. He trapped me and I froze up.

That demon in my stomach? It felt like it fell right out along with my heart and all of my internal organs. Gravity was tugging down at my hips and I shuddered at the intense sensation.

Dry. My throat went completely dry and my mind seemed to turn even further away from my normal reactions. _This is the part where I laugh it off, talk until he is angry, and then have him chase me._ But I was frozen. I was frozen solid and I wouldn't dare to try and move.

_Long talons sliding down my skin._

I shuddered. Shizuo was talking in a rage, but I couldn't hear him. He was asking me questions, but I couldn't really see the shape his lips were making. I couldn't force myself to understand him, and his words did not stick in my brain. The only thing on my mind was _that._ The only thing that had ever effected me.

_One long finger trailing down my back._

My skin prickled. I tensed as my mind suddenly felt the need to remind me of what I didn't like to call _traumatizing events._ And I could remember it. Every detail. Every single touch. Every word. Every movement. All of the laughter and mockery. The promises. And all the pain. Blood drained from my face and it felt like I was shrinking away from Shizuo's hands and body. I didn't want it anywhere near me.

And then I realized what was happening. I had no problems with people touching me, be it a casual or concerned hand here or there. But if there was something more to that touch, something too close and _forceful_, then I froze.

And I blindly denied my brain to continue that thought. Because I knew what the fear was. But I never wanted to face it. _Not again._

"Izaya!"


	12. Chapter Twelve

Shizuo's voice rang clear in my mind and I blinked. Was I on the floor? The blonde looked both pissed and worried – he had somehow managed to mash both expressions onto his face in an ugly sort of way. I was indeed on the floor, curled up in to a little ball of shaking bones. My wrists were still trapped in his hands, suspended above my head. My teeth had started to chatter as I relived the experience. _Well. This is new._

Shizuo let out an animalistic growl and I froze painfully. My knees pressed together as I pulled them closer to my chest. _Is he mad at me?_ Eyes flicking up, I didn't speak. I _couldn't_ speak.

"Who. Did. _What._" He was shaking with unexpressed rage. The rage I remembered him to have. _The rage that could keep him fighting for hours on end, ripping everything up from the ground._ I shivered pleasurably, welcoming the familiarity of it. Everything had changed so much. The stability felt nice. The air was tense around us still, and I didn't overly want to answer his question. He dropped down on his heels to level his eyes with mine. He didn't say anything, but I knew he was searching for an answer.

The fire behind his glare was enough to make me whisper without thinking.

"I died."

He stared at me hard for a moment, and I almost thought he wouldn't accept that as an answer. My mind began to string incoherent words together in an attempt of explaining my statement. But then he closed his eyes, his breath leaving through his nose as he understood what I meant. _I faced my greatest fear. And it is now my extra-greatest fear._ He visibly relaxed a little bit before shaking his head. "How long?"

"Huh?"

"How long have you known?" Shizuo asked quietly. I almost didn't hear him speak. I stared at him, confused. _He knew?_

"Since. Since that night when you found me in Shinra's bathroom." I whispered. His eyes were still closed. Was he avoiding eye contact? Or was this something else? "You... you knew?"

"We all do."

I felt more blood drain from my face. _So this whole time I've been suffering alone? Even though they knew? Wait! If they know, then that means that Shinra..._ Something fuzzy suddenly exploded in the bridge of my nose. It worked it's was into my head and my world spun. Vision, hearing, equilibrium, everything. "What?"

"What happened?" Shizuo asked, ninety-nine times more gentler. "When... you died?"

I stared at him wide eyed and horrified. I shook my head, pulling my wrists free from his lingering grasps and grabbing my stomach. I shakily inhaled.

"I'm assuming you didn't end up anywhere pleasant." He theorized. His eyes cracked open to stare at me. He blinked twice before they widened and he reached out to touch my face. I jerked back and he stopped in his tracks. "You're crying again."

I brought my hands to my cheeks and sure enough, they were wet. _No, no no no no, this is not how any of this was supposed to happen- this wasn't supposed to happen at all actually!_ My hands slipped over my eyes as more tears rolled down my cheeks. A frustrated sigh escaped from between my lips before the shuddering breath.

Shizuo sighed before seemingly coming to a decision. He leaned forward and pulled me close. I willingly fell into his chest for the first time in my life, and I revelled in it's warmth. I didn't feel any fear or panic, just comfort. _What a guy. _He groaned in what normally would have sounded like annoyance, but it sounded more exasperated than normal as he awkwardly wrapped his arms around me. "You're such a dumb ass. You should have just talked to Shinra instead of yelling at him. It would have done you so much more good."

I chuckled faintly. _Oh, slow Shizu-chan. Shinra's not mad because I yelled at him._ The tears were easier to stop once his warmth had seeped into my chilled bones, and I pulled back from him as soon as I could. It was strange to me, accepting comfort like that. It left me feeling confused and maybe even embarrassed. "I should be on my way..."

Shizuo sneered. His eyes met mine and held them harshly. "Now you listen here. We're not done talking about this, and you look like shit, and you need to apologize to Shinra, and your damn secretary called! So. You might want to hurry up and just tell me so you can leave."

_I can't tell you. _I shuddered, wrapping my arms around me. "You might want to just stick that adhesive to my forehead and send me back to bed."

He suddenly looked shocked. Of course he forgot about the injuries. A growl suddenly rumbled from within his throat and he turned away to grab the cloth I had abandoned earlier. Wetting it underneath the slow stream of water from the faucet again, he turned back to me angrily.

Without saying another word, he cleaned up my head wound and patched it up. We both remained stubbornly silent as Shizuo put all of the stuff away. It wasn't until he tried to drag me out of the bathroom by the arm, that I spoke up.

"You simple minded brute, how about you turn on the lights first?" I suggested, planting myself firmly between him and the threshold. He was not forcing me out of there, no way.

Shizuo scoffed. "What, are you scared of the dark now or something?" He bickered, giving me a warning shove to which I resisted. I fell a few steps forward – he was the strongest man in Ikebukuro after all.

I didn't answer. I didn't feel up to answering him. There was movement in the shadows and with Shizuo Heiwajima or not, I wasn't stepping amongst them. They were still talking. I couldn't hear them as clearly thanks to Shizuo's presence, but I could still hear the distant murmur. _Nope. __Not happening. I'm not going out there._

He growled again, quickly knocking my knees out from beneath me. I gasped as I fell, and he caught me by my shoulders, picking me up like I weighed nothing and walking into the darkness of the hall. I didn't protest or speak my fears, even as the voices suddenly started to shout and became too loud for me to handle. I simply curled into his chest with my eyes squeezed shut and hoped that it would all be over soon.

He dried to dump me on the bed, in the dark, but I was clinging to the front of his shirt so embarrassingly tight that I didn't fall away like he had planned. There was an awkward grunt before Shizuo decided to just sit down with me attached to him like a parasitic entity. The frown on my face was so intense that I thought it might become permanent. When did it come to this?

How ironic.

His chest heaved beneath me and fell into a heavy sigh. "Izaya," he said lowly in a warning. One arm was wrapped around my waist while the other was sliding up my back to make sure I didn't fall. I couldn't tell if he was trying to comfort me or to keep me from falling, but I ended up gripping his shirt tighter as the sensation fluttered into the wrong kind of emotion. _Please don't._ "You're being an idiot so just go back to sleep."

I shook my head, my eyes squeezed shut as I whimpered. "Can I sleep in the living room?" I was already caught in the embarrassing state, I might as well get something out if it, right? If I had the choice, things wouldn't be this way.

"It's like five in the morning and I doubt I'm going back to sleep. I'll be in the kitchen and the lights will be on and I'll be moving around and all that." He muttered like that was enough reason for me to sleep alone in his bedroom. He also sounded irritated like I was a small child who was refusing to go to bed. "You're not leaving until you tell me anything. So if you want to tell me now and then go, then go ahead."

Sleeping in the living room, however, sounded fantastic to me.

"That's fine. The living room is fine." I said weakly. I didn't want to talk about it yet. I nodded and he seemed to give in.

He seemed to understand that something was_very_ wrong, and decided to just let me have my way. His chest fell in another exhale in defeat, before he picked me back up, grabbed a thin blanket, and carried me into the living room where he dumped me heedlessly on the couch. We were both shocked; he probably expected me to still have my death grip on him. I sunk into the couch cushions, noting that they were quite comfortable; more so than the bed. He turned on the lamp that had been sitting on the end table, and I felt myself relax.

"It'll be light out soon. Just try and sleep." He muttered quietly before standing back up. "I don't know what happened, but you need to pull yourself together."

I nodded, shifting beneath the blanket as I got comfortable on my side. I dropped my head against the arm rest and sighed. The couch was nice. My heavy eye lids slipped closed before I had the chance to argue with them.

Sleep hit me fast and hard – leaving my floating aimlessly amongst the darkness of my life once again.

I woke up feeling good.

Extremely good.

My eye lids twitched as the morning sun filtered into the room through a slightly open curtain, but I didn't feel like getting up. My body was tired still, but abnormally comfortable. _I haven't felt this comfortable in a long time..._ Maybe I could get up in a few minutes. I took the time to appreciate the warmth of the sun on my face with a gentle smile on my lips. My body felt well rested for the first time in a long while, and I couldn't help but hum in appreciation. My glee was short lived though as the first thoughts of the day floated into my mind. My happy grin flipped into a frown and I tensed up beneath the softness of the blanket above me.

There were three things that I knew for sure.

One, I seriously needed to pull myself together, two, I was now aware that I was _terrified_ of the dark, and three. There was another fear that I didn't even want to mention yet.

The dark fear – I did not know whether it was the darkness itself or the spirits and demons – was practically etched into my brain. I could feel it course through my body and it set my mind into a panicked state. The darkness behind my lids was enough to force me awake. I woke up with this awareness, and as my rusty eyes gently flicked open, I set forth my best masks to keep myself together.

There was no point in expressing emotions. There was no point in admitting it either. The situation, everything about it, was what is was, and there was nothing I could do about it. I had spent countless hours worrying and fretting over the change, when in reality, I probably should have just accepted it and moved on, conquering it.

That was what the old me would have done, anyway.

I sat up from the couch easily. A thin blue blanket fell from my shoulders as I yawned and stretched my hands above my head lazily. Off in the distance, there was a clock ticking along with the _sizzle_ of something cooking in the kitchen. A delicious smell wafted into the living room, and I stood up to follow the scent like a hound dog. Ignoring the simplicity and plainness of the room, I walked, still rubbing sleep from my eyes as I turned the corner.

I was met with Shizuo standing at the stove, frying what looked like scrambled eggs in his navy plaid pyjamas. He had on that white shirt still, and I practically had to force my eyes away from how taut it was pulled across his shoulders. He had a hand on his narrow hip like the tedious task of cooking royally irked him, while the other hand wielded a plastic black spatula. He glanced over his shoulder casually, his harsh eyes lingering on mine for a second too long. I met him evenly, still forming my defences for the day.

"Morning, Izaya-kun." He muttered irritably. He turned back to the food, and I noticed a glass of milk sitting on the table.

I forced my best grin onto my face before skipping into the kitchen. "Good morning, Shizu-chan." I sat myself down in a chair at the table and grinned as honey eyes turned to meet mine in irritation again. I leaned back, clasping my hands in my lap, and meeting his gaze with my signature smirk. He seemed to observe me carefully before speaking.

"You seem rather... _normal_ today." He took the pan off of the burner and slid the eggs onto a plate with some toast. My eyes scanned over the counter, noticing the disaster he had created from simply cooking, and also realizing that he had made only one plate of food.

_Tssk. It's not like I can eat anyway._

I grinned brightly despite feeling a bit unloved for not being included for breakfast. "How good for you to notice. It's rather hard to be constantly emotional, so I thought I'd take a break and harass everyone today." I sighed. Yes. It was good to be normal again. I couldn't even remember the last time I had moped for days straight.

Despite everything that was happening, I had been acting _slightly_ over dramatic. Like Shizuo had said, I hadn't been _myself_ since the incident. _If I am going to overcome this, I need to keep my emotions in check still._

I had dreamt after Shizuo let me sleep on the couch, but I couldn't remember what had happened. The only thing that I was certain of though, was that the dream had been pleasant and motivating. Dreams like those had not occurred since the _incident_. Unlike my plaguing nightmares, I had woken up feeling good and refreshed, well rested like the theory of fears and gifts didn't really matter. Feeling like myself. Feeling _hopeful_. _I won't let this Hell ordeal control me._

It simply wasn't in my nature.

Shizuo smiled before setting the incredibly full plate down in front of me. I raised my eyebrows in surprise as I glanced at it. "Good. Because once you get better and become truly annoying again, I can kill you without hesitation, right?"

I blinked, still grinning. I glanced up at him from beneath my lick lashes. _He's feeding me?_

He handed me a spoon, averting his eyes from my teasing own, and I took it, once again stunned.

"Eat. Shinra's orders." His eyes flicked to mine as he took a seat across from me. His facial features showed anger once again, but his actions were screaming something else. He crossed his arms, eyeing my harshly. Challenge radiated from his glare. He knew I had wronged Shinra, but yet he was still talking like we were good friends. _Wait, Shinra's orders?_ As long as I resisted Shinra's treatments – medical and suggestive – the longer it would take for me to get back in his good graces. Perhaps Shizuo knew this. Perhaps Shizuo wanted me to overcome this little _mishap_, so that we could all go back to the way we had been. He too was a man of routine – unpredictable routine, yes, but routine none the less – and just like myself, he wanted to go back. Though I couldn't be sure. Maybe, just maybe, forever-forgiving Shinra was still looking after me?

I didn't let it phase me. Instead of scowling, which I had been doing _way_ too often, I grinned brighter. I decided to lead my mind away from complicated thoughts by simply changing the topic. "I didn't know Shizu-chan could cook. But you know, I have a real sensitive stomach right now and I don't want to make myself sick just because you think you can cook when in reality, you can't." I rubbed my belly for emphasis, resisting the look of disgust that almost formed on my face as I realized that the _swell_ had gotten _larger._

_I'm fine. It's fine. Don't panic because I can fix this. I can fix everything._ I grinned brightly, hiding.

Shizuo sneered. He shut his eyes and whipped his pack of cigarets from his pocket. "Sensitive stomach my ass. You can leave whenever you want to. But you are eating first, and then you still have to tell me what happened." His eyes met mine again in an unrelenting force. "You're skin and bones now. You look fucking disgusting."

"Awwh, so mean." He was over exaggerating. I had lost only a couple of pounds over the past two weeks, maybe five. Or ten. But details, details. I cooed, picking up half a slice of toast and pulling it apart, "can't you be nice?" I glanced down, noticing that once again, _margarine_ was slathered across the white bread. My lips pulled into a frown. I dropped the toast and picked up the spoon. _Who eats eggs with a spoon anyway?_ I noticed that Shizuo's eyebrow twitched.

"Don't make a mess, flea bag, and don't pick at it. You're eating it." He popped the head of a cigarette from the pack and picked it out with his lips in obvious irritation. Good, that was the Shizu-chan I remembered. It brought a smile to my face to see us acting so _normal_ again, despite the fact that he was forcing me to eat in his house and he wasn't throwing anything. Apparently all I had needed was a wake up call, and then back to normal I went. "I like you better when you're being an ass though. You're so melodramatic when you're emotional. Kind of like a school girl. Actually. Worse than a school girl."

I scooped up some eggs but didn't eat them. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me." He challenged. Was he just being hard on me so that I could hurry up and go back to the way I'd been? _I don't want to be that person anymore._ The enjoyable path I was walking was not worth the final destination._I want to be myself, but I don't want to go back to Hell. And I don't want to forever be that sobbing, lying, pathetic guy like I had been for the past few weeks._ "You're acting like the fucking victim of some terrible plot when you're not, so eat so you can leave."

My mouth dropped open. _Is he serious!?_ I masked my shock by eating the spoonful, careless as to whether I could stomach them or not. _Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed._ I chewed quickly and swallowed. Irritation was visible on my face. _There goes Shizu-chan, stating the plot line and then disregarding it again._ Retorts were already forming in my head and – wait, those eggs were good.

All rebuttals were silenced as I took another bite. _What did he put in these?_ My stomach suddenly came to life, reminding me that I had eaten practically nothing since the incident. Most of what I had eaten had been thrown up followed by, in my own dramatization, half of my blood volume. My mouth suddenly wet and I shoved another spoonful into my mouth. Demon in my stomach or not, I was eating and the little prick wouldn't be stopping me.

Before I knew it I had finished the plate – margarine slabbed toast and all – and was nibbling at the egg remnants that littered it. I glanced up just in time to see Shizuo grinning with a satisfied smirk on his face. I too smirked. He turned his head away, resting his chin in his palm like he was bored, and wiggling the unlit smoke between his lips. "Now sit here and let it digest. You're not throwing up in my house or outside."

I set down the spoon and tilted my head. I looked away then, a shy smile forming and I felt my heart flutter. _Thank you._

It was supposed to stay in my head, but apparently I had spoken out loud, for Shizuo muttered "you're welcome" only a couple of seconds later. I felt my face heat up and I avoided looking at him. _What is this?_ Maybe my masks were still weak. I had literally formed them over night, after all.

We sat in comfortable silence while my stomach gurgled. I was grinning like an idiot while I leaned back in the chair, fingers splayed across my abdomen. The demon was rolling in my stomach comfortably. Maybe it was done causing me pain. _The only food I have kept down in a week is nothing other than Shizu-chan's cooking!_

"You know. I'm surprised you changed over night like that." Shizuo muttered. I met his glance, still rubbing my belly.

"Oh?"

Shizuo chuckled, grinning. "Always have to be dramatic, don't you? I feel like now you are half that pathetic kid I picked up yesterday, and half that ass of a man I used to chase down the street."

I titled my head, slightly confused. _What is he going off about? _Finally, I sighed, feeling as though it was time for me to leave. _When does he ever make sense anyway?_

I stood up from the chair and practically skipped across the room. My jacket was laying across the back of the couch, and I picked it up carefully to slip it onto my shoulders. Shizuo had followed me into the living room and was eyeing me skeptically. "You're going?"

I zipped up my jacket, drowning in the warm fur that lined the hood, and grinned. "Yes. I feel much better." He looked confused, but unphased. My mood and personality was unpredictable as usual. I had been out of character for a while, so changing back suddenly sure had my nemesis on edge. I couldn't stop the childish giggle that erupted from me. I skipped to the front door, my fingers brushing against my switchblade and my cellphone in their respective pockets. I turned just as I was about to open the door, honest crimson meeting accepting honey.

"You can't leave." He said simply, to my dismay.

"Oh, and why not?" My hand was already resting on the door knob. All I had to do was turn it and flee. _But why should I run? I shouldn't have to, there's no point. I can't run away from reality._

"We haven't talked yet." Despite how aggressive he sounded, he made no move to stop me.

I tilted my head, chuckling. "Shizu-chan, did you ever stop to think that maybe I _can't_ tell you?" Because in all honestly, why would I tell my worst enemy about my weaknesses?

He seemed to regard me for a second before turning away. He glanced at his TV like it had been playing his favourite documentary or something. "Whatever. Don't come crying to me next time this _thing_ gets you, whatever it is. Go to Shinra. Stop being such a stubborn fuck and just tell him, okay? He can help you if you just talk to him."

I chuckled. "I know he can help me." A smile was sitting comfortably on my lips now. I felt okay. Hopeful. Strong. I didn't have to tell Shizuo though that I couldn't be helped. I'd have to admit what was wrong, what had happened, and I couldn't do that. I just couldn't.

I knew this. I had accepted this. So I needed to deal with my situation in my own way. Unless all five fears struck me at once, I doubt I would break enough to spill everything to anyone.

I turned the door handle and swung the door open. "Thank you for your hospitality." I said in an ungrateful sort of way. I grinned as I crossed the threshold before suddenly feeling cold. Why was Shizuo's place so warm to me? I glanced over my shoulder, somewhat happy to see that the blond was watching me go. "Perhaps I will see you on the streets again."

He grinned in that aggressive manner I loved.

I might not have been able to tell Shizuo about my meeting in Hell. And I might not have been able to tell Shinra earlier. But I was smart. I was still Izaya Orihara, despite the fact that one of those _spirits_ had called me a monster. I was one of the top rated informants in Japan, and I had somehow acquired information about my life after death.

And I was most certainly smart enough to use that information to benefit me, and to change the outcome of my fate.

"Shizu-chan. I'm going to fix this."


	13. Chapter Thirteen

It had been an entire, long, excruciating week since I had left Shizuo's. On my way out, I had promised to fix the mess I had created, but alas, I was struggling greatly.

In one week, I had suffered more pain then I had ever known before. The normally pale skin beneath my navel had actually bruised from the terror inside, the terror which I called 'the little shit' amongst other things. It had been fine the day I had woken up at Shizuo's, but as soon as I set forth a plan to get myself on the _right_ track in life, all hell had broken loose.

It was completely unpredictable, and just like me, its intentions seemed to change every five minutes.

It wouldn't let me eat. I would just throw up everything in my stomach along with some very needed blood. It wouldn't let me sleep. When ever I drifted off, it would scratch or pinch my insides, sending blinding pain into my hips and forcing me awake. It wouldn't let me even function like a normal human being. Some days it would scratch just lightly enough to distract me from whatever it was I had been doing. Or it would bite me just gently enough to make me reconsider going out. Some days, I could not walk due to the pain, while other days, I could not speak without it gnawing or clawing me just as I opened my mouth.

And that was just the _'__gift__'_.

What I liked to call 'Fear Number One' was a hellion all in itself as well. My apartment remained lit up like a Christmas tree all day and all night. There were to be no shadows, for I knew the terrorizing ghosts could only manifest in the darkness. I had tried to face them only once since I had gotten back, but for lack of a better description, it was intense shit. I tried to fend them off in my bedroom by flipping the light off and yelling at them – after Namie had gone home of course. They had spawned from the darkness itself, floating silently in their anguish. They would float and whisper and call my name. I had found out that they could latch onto me, finger like protrusions wrapping around my limps and dragging me across the carpet. They would insult me, and tell me things about myself that I had never spoke of, and they were constantly reminding me that they were waiting.

They were waiting to condemn me for eternity, or until they could rest peacefully.

Which was not likely, because that contracted most theories on Hell.

I had feared that they would drag me into the darkness, and thus the darkness itself had manifested into a fear. They went hand in hand. Now, I wasn't one who was easily scared, but when hundreds of shadow like creatures were engulfing me to the point where I couldn't see anything but black, and promising to degrade and violate me in ways that only the most guarded part of my mind had dreamt of, all the while dragging me possibly back to the literal Hell I survived...

Well. After screeching my voice raw and thrashing so hard that I may have sprained my wrist, I decided that they were a force to be reckoned with. Thus, the lights had remained on. Day and night.

I was a person who could not sleep with so many lights on, but there was no way I was shutting any of them off now. So between the Demon spawn, ghosts, and the lights, I had slept next to nothing. An entire week I had spent, slaving away at my computer with a dull pain rumbling through my abdomen. My skin was sickly pale and dark bags had formed under my eyes. Every now and then my actual stomach would growl in fury for the lack of food I had put in to it. Every day it tempted me with cravings, and slowly but surely I had come to ignore it entirely. There was to be no eating, for eating would only make things worse.

"Izaya,"

I had also become conscious of 'Fear Number Three'. It was a peculiar one that wasn't quite as defined as 'Fear Number One', but it was there, and I was slowly understanding the concept behind it as the days went by. It was stupid and I knew it. It frustrated me greatly, but I faced it every day with Namie when she gave me that questioning look. Questions. I felt an unnecessary sort of panic whenever she asked me a personal question. But that wasn't the fear. I still didn't fully understand what it was.

How incredibly frustrating.

When _He_ said I would face five fears, I had come to assume that it would be an incident, like the shooting. But no. It had been weeks since the incident, and the fears were only now appearing, screwing up my every day life.

Apparently _He _meant five fears _for life_.

And that was all fine and dandy when it came to 'Fear Number Two'. Because I knew exactly what the fear was. But there was no point in talking about it, because it would never happen to me anyway. I would never let it. I had discovered this fear back in Russia sushi, when Shizuo had me cornered in the bathroom. And ironically, I had been facing 'Fear Number Three' at the same time. Looking back, it was ridiculous. Completely ridiculous. These were _normal_ things that _normal_ people had problems with.

I couldn't live like this. I would die before I could set things right simply because I could no longer function and take care of myself. How was I supposed to fix my life if _He_ was hindering me from even doing basic human tasks!? I couldn't even eat like a normal human being! I had survived five days on ice cream and Popsicles and tea! That was literally all I could stomach!

"Izaya, stop brooding."

I blinked.

I was lying on my back on my couch with a cold, wet cloth placed to my forehead. Headaches had been plaguing me thanks to my lack of nutrients and sleep, and the couch had become my best friend. I was sprawled out casually in my regular black jeans and an oversized fuzzy grey sweater. There was a fleece red blanket wrapped around my lower half and I had somehow tangled it around my socked feet. I fidgeted with a sigh before shivering.

I had lost approximately ten more pounds, thus my natural body temperature had noticeably dropped. Even with the heat on, I found myself constantly shivering from a slight chill. I didn't have ten pounds to lose. If Shinra wasn't still mad at me, he would be beating me by now and forcing solids down my throat.

Namie stalked over to where I lay, sitting down on my glass coffee table to talk to me directly. This had become a habit of ours; she seemed to be spending more personal time with me than before. It had been weird at first, but now I found it interesting, because my stoic and cold secretary suddenly had nice feelings towards someone other than her little brother.

She had been adamant on trying to rid me of my headaches – in the name of science or for my own sake, I was not sure. I couldn't say I hated it, but at the same time, it still irked me. I admit that I was an attention whore, but when it came to personal matters, I didn't want any spectators, and she most definitely was a spectator. She was almost as bad as Shinra. Almost.

At least Shinra could_actually_ help me.

She was dressed in her usual attire; short black skirt and a solid emerald turtleneck. Her long black hair fell over her left shoulder as she leaned in closer to me, her dark eyes narrowed in thought. She tapped her foot, which was a habit I had noticed over the past few weeks. Had she always been so jittery? I couldn't remember.

Perhaps I just never noticed? Not likely.

The idea of things slipping by me was unnerving. What else had I missed over the past few weeks? Normally I was on top of everything, knew everything, and could say everything. But lately, I found myself learning something new about what should have been my every day life, every second that I breathed.

I let the cloth drop from my forehead as I sat up, forcing my best grin to my face. "Hello Namie." It was almost noon, or just after noon – I couldn't remember and I had no need to find out. Namie wasn't working, so she must have been on her lunch break already. I sighed but offered her a friendly smile. _What does she want now? __She already over dosed me on Advil yesterday..._

"Don't fake with me." She said coldly. She had always hated it when I masked myself. All the more reason to do it. She raised her hands and reached forward, stopping just before her fingers brushed my skin. I forced myself not to flinch away. For some reason, the close proximity had me backing off. It hadn't started like this, but 'Fear Number Two' was growing, and I found myself defending my personal space more often than before. I didn't want anyone near me. _If only I could just admit it. _I scoffed irritably at my own acknowledgement. The fears had been steadily growing to intolerable levels, like the lights. I used to be able to at least sleep in the dark. Now, not so much. "Let me try something."

"Anything for you, darling," I teased with a grin, though it quirked into something more fearful the second she moved. She sneered, her long, thin fingers finding my temple. I tensed at first, but exhaled in an attempt to relax. _Namie won't actually kill me, right?_ Her ring and middle fingers pressed into my head from both sides before slowly rubbing into a relaxing circle. Her eyes were dark as she stared at me and her mouth was drawn into a tense line. _What is she thinking about?_ I closed my eyes as a fleeting tingle seeped out from her touch. Playing it safe, I kept talking, "You know, you've always been so cold, why the change of heart?"

"Hm. I want to get paid, and you're more of an ass when you're irritated or in pain." She lied. She added her pointer fingers into the mix, rubbing just above my ears. I shuddered as the tension began to ebb away. I heard myself gasp lightly, _it feels so good_. I kept my eyes shut and fought off the need to press my head into her left hand. "And there's something wrong with you. Not going to lie, it's kind of creepy. I've seen you function perfectly through the flu before."

"Hmmmm..." I meant to tease her, but it turned into a happy moan. The fact that I had accepted her advance told her that something was _very_ wrong. Anything to temporarily lessen the pain. I was sort of possibly desperate.

I really hated admitting weakness.

Her fingers slowly worked up my scalp and into my hair line, and I could feel the headache that had been plaguing me for a few days begin to fade. I heard her snicker as my restraint broke, and I subconsciously pushed myself into her left hand like a cat when she touched a rather sensitive spot behind my ear. She indulged me, and continued to rub, slowly working her fingers further into my hair line.

"Shiki is going to be here in about an hour. You might want to shower or something. You know. To look presentable?" I leaned further into her hand, only half hearing her. I was in bliss. Complete, momentary, bliss. Because I hadn't felt this good in days.

"Mmmmmmm..." I tried to agree almost a minute later, but her fingers felt _so good._ I never would have agreed had she told me up front what she planned to do – simply to save myself from doing anything embarrassing, like curling into her fingers while I basically purred - but right now, I was glad I let her. Once again, I felt a tingle ripple through my skull, temporarily soothing my headache and making me feel rather sleepy. I could feel the tension completely tingling away, and it stirred up the rest of my body as the pleasure gently coursed through me. _I wonder what a full body massage would do for me..__._

"Don't fall asleep." She abruptly pulled away, and I almost fell over from the lack of support. I caught myself with my hands on the couch cushion and glanced up with pleading eyes. She simply waved her pointer finger at my face. "Go get ready and don't look so sick, because unlike Shinra, Shiki will _demand_ answers."

I groaned at the loss of comfort but stood up anyway. I plastered a smile to my face as I somehow managed to unwrap the blanket from my body, taking it with me as my feet fell to the warm carpet below. I stood up shakily, my body not quite ready for the adventure I was about to have. The reminder of Shiki visiting me was a sour thought. I hummed as I turned my back to Namie and it quickly turned into a scowl as I made my way towards the stairs, padding across the floor almost silently. Behind me, I heard Namie's chair squeak as she returned to her desk, presumably to finish her own work.

_Good._

She only tried to dissipate my pain just long enough for me to get back on my feet. After that, I would find something to hopefully grow the seed she had planted.

It never worked though.

Pausing at the stairs, I glanced up. Cream carpets crawled up each step until the disappeared onto the top floor. I sighed, resting my hand on the banister. I already knew that the lights were on. There was nothing up there waiting for me. I could just go. _No time like the present._

I slowly made my way upstairs. One foot after another, I took them slowly like a crippled old man. Pain was snaking through my torso, but I ignored it just like every other waking moment. I had too much pride to ask for help, or to be hindered by such a simple task. _Wow. This is what I have become._ That little _prick_ was clawing up a storm inside of me, and to Hell it would go if it thought I was tolerating it's _bullshit_ forever. I groaned as the stairs slowly became more painful, stabs and pinches webbing their way into my chest, but I somehow managed to get up them anyhow.

My already high pain tolerance had massively increased. I_ can do this._ I had suffered day and night for the first forty-eight hours, the tears wouldn't stop and I had basically become bed ridden. And then all of the sudden, I just became accustomed to the pain. It was like my body had had enough. I could still feel it's presence, but I could now tolerate and function with it. After this was all done – because my newly acquired _problems_ were not staying with me forever, oh no_ – _I was sure nothing would faze me.

I might just be invincible.

I wobbled about the second floor mindlessly, slipping into my lit bedroom and locking the door so that I could collect myself a towel before heading to my own personal bathroom. My room was larger than average, and it had become a mess over the past few days. My normally clear floor was littered with clothes, towels, blankets, and even an extra pillow had somehow made it in front of my dresser. The lamps on my end tables were turned on, and I had even gone to the length to buy myself another one to sit on the end table by my closet.

After tossing my blanket onto my unmade bed simply because it was in the way, I stepped into the already lit up bathroom with a small chuckle. My electricity bill was going to be ridiculous. I was only looking forward to the laugh I would get from seeing the number. I locked that door too, just for good measure, and then headed to the tub to let it fill with it's steamy goodness. I cranked the knob, letting the water run hot. I sat back and watched as it slowly filled, the rumbling noise of moving liquid calming me.

_I have never appreciated baths so much._

The hot water did wonders for my aching muscles. It also helped briefly with the pain. A scoop or two of Epsom salts helped all the more. I needed all I could get; it was hard being eaten alive by a demon.

Hopefully, a removable demon.

I grabbed the collar of my black shirt and pulled it off over my head, letting it fall to the floor unceremoniously. Without a second thought, I slipped off my pants and boxers next, raising one toe to dip it into the already too high water level, when I heard a violent _bzzt_ rumble from my pants pockets. It echoed across the floor, and I turned my head cautiously and blinked. _My phone?_

Curiously, for it was obviously not a phone call, I turned off the water. I quickly padded over to my clothes and then fished it out with a quick glance at the screen.

_One new message._

Taking it with me into the tub, I flipped it open and grinned as I stepped into the hot water. The liquid sloshed around me as I slowly sat down, instantly cascading me with it's comforting heat. _Love the burn._ It seared my skin in a pleasant way, like it was cleansing me from all my _dirt._ I felt my face lift for the first time in days, both from the bath and from the contents of the message. It was from Shinra. He had been ignoring me all week even though I had been spamming him like a needy and hormonal teenaged girl!

[I suppose if you want to apologize, you can come over for dinner tonight. Four-thirty sharp, okay?]

I beamed, sending him a promise that I would be there. I then placed the cell safely on the edge of the tub. If it fell, it would crash to the floor. But I highly doubted it would break. I slipped my mouth just below the water with a grin. My stomach churned painfully, but it was merely background feelings at the moment. _He's finally going to talk to me._ He had been sulking and ignoring me, using Celty as a sort of messenger. I seriously thought only middle school girls did things like that, getting someone else to convey messages for them. But even though it was kind of funny, and we would probably laugh about it in the future, it had sucked.

Royally.

There were questions I knew he would ask, and there were things I knew I had to truthfully tell him. _Like why I have a replica of Celty's head._ I swallowed dryly despite the humid air and glared. Yes. That would definitely be on the list of things to confess_._ That would probably be the one thing he wouldn't over look. The only problem with this whole situation, was that I wasn't sure if I could face the truth, let alone tell it. My stomach groaned at the realization, the demon mad once again. I had basically come to know it's different emotions. Groaning and growling normally meant it was mad. Biting and scratching meant it didn't want me to do something. Flipping and rolling meant it was content.

And sometimes, it just did all these things for the hell of it.

Yeah. Creepy stuff like that.

If only Shinra knew.

_Maybe I can tell him __about the demon __after I admit to why I have a replica?__Maybe he can help me get rid of it... but he will still be mad about the head... arrrgh... what do I tell him? __If anything, I made the replica to protect Celty's real head... That should count for something, right?_

I groaned, knowing that I was probably wrong. It was wrong of me to use Celty's head, replica or not, in such a way. Explaining the entire situation would be tiring. But I had a meeting with Shiki, and I knew he would demand the whole story from me.

I sighed. Today was going to be a stressful day for me. Because 'Fear Number Three' prevented me from honestly talking to people, kind of like a social disorder.

It was all in how they approached me.

Shiki aside, I was more worried about Shinra. Would he refuse to have anything to do with me after? Maybe if I really sucked up and tried to convince him that I used the fake instead of using the real one, he would forgive me. But even as I thought about the entire situation, I realized that it wasn't fair to ask him for forgiveness. He had trusted me with Celty's real head, and I had gone and manipulated Namie into making me a copy, to which I used it to start a war.

And I had a suspicion that I had indirectly put Kasuka in the hospital. But judging from the way Shizuo had acted towards me a week ago, Kasuka was probably fine now.

Just maybe I could get away with it. Shinra would understand, right? How would I do it?

I suddenly slapped my cheek with a wet hand, hissing at the sting. My face scrunched up and my eyes narrowed. _Shut up, Orihara, this is not an act __to trick him into forgiving you__! I really need to apologize to him, and he really needs to understand that I need him as my friend! __And you need to stop rambling! You have a meeting with Shiki soon! You need to make sure the little prat is on it's best behaviour!_

I scoffed, sitting up properly as I rubbed at the skin over my abdomen. I had already showered that morning, I just needed a refresher before Shiki visited, so I didn't bother with the shampoo or anything. This was more of an act to help me fake my health. I just needed to soak for a little bit.

And brood.

_Even if I have to prove myself to Shinra, I'll do it._ Even if that meant swallowing my attitude and pride and being overly nice and friendly to our mutual acquaintance _Shizu-chan._

Oh yeah.

Shizu-chan.

My scowl deepened as he crossed my mind. What was I supposed to do about him? Not only was he acting strange towards me, but he had seen me cry! Twice! How the hell was I supposed to deal with that? He knew something was wrong and he had seen first hand what it was doing to me! And him! He even _took me home. __And then fed me. __And he can cook. And he's so docile when he's not mad and raging and-_

Weird. Those thoughts were weird. But passing out in Russia Sushi had evaded my mind for some time. It wasn't an incident I really wanted to admit or remember.

_What do I even feel for him?_

I dunked myself beneath the water in irritation. _What do I even mean, what do I feel for him? I feel hatred, right? He's looking down on me, right?_

I resurfaced with a groan, inhaling sharply as I pondered the situation. Did he actually hate me? Or was he 'helping me get better so that he could kill me himself' because he actually cared for me? As a person? Me, Izaya Orihara, Shinjuku's best informant and the man who almost started an upscale war over a fake head, was cared for by Shizuo Heiwajima?

Absurd.

It couldn't be. I rested my head back and closed my eyes. There were a few things that made me believe he actually cared, but at the same time there was enough evidence to convince myself that he was just secretly mocking me and planned to blackmail me in the future.

"Arrrgh." I laced my fingers over my bare stomach. What was I to do? I couldn't think about the blond without becoming frustrated in numerous ways. He was so... _illogical and rash_. How could I predict anything about him? He wasn't one of my humans because he didn't fit in with the typical human spectrum. I couldn't confront him about anything. It didn't help that the past few days I had been getting a really _odd_ sensation in between my hips – it sure wasn't the demon moving, though the thing clearly enjoyed my frustration – and every time the shuddering tingle had occurred, thoughts of Shizuo followed quickly behind.

It was a little more _human_ than my demonic parasite.

The mere remembrance of my apparent needs was enough to make me stand up with distaste plastered across my face. I secretly blamed the problem on my little demon leech. It probably had something to do with it. _I am above this. I am above humanity._

Time to get out before it got too _hot._

I swear, my face was going to scowl permanently.

I towelled myself off quickly before disappearing in my bedroom to dress. I returned shortly to check myself out. Fixing up my appearance to look more like _me_ instead of some underfed zombie, I stared at the mirror in apprehension. The bags under my eyes were a dark purple and they contrasted my pale skin in a disgusting way and my hair seemed thinner and limper than normal. My cheeks had begun to sink in, and I couldn't help but notice a few extra bones poking at the skin on my neck as I turned my head. My collar bones protrude obviously, and I couldn't help but feel like my shoulders were too boney to be healthy. Maybe I needed a sweater after all to cover most of it up. I didn't bother observing the rest of my body. I already knew that despite the facial appearance, my abdomen indicated falsely that I had maintained some weight. My hip bones protruded oddly despite the weight within my stomach. Or maybe that's just what I saw. How could I be sure it was really there?

_Maybe it's not even there..._

I rolled my eyes at myself and then stepped out of the bathroom. That was the question of the week. Did the demon exist, or was I just crazy?

I didn't bother to turn off the bathroom light.

There was no point.

My mood had dropped, even thought the bath was supposed to do the exact opposite. _Might as well go ask Namie when Shiki is supposed to get here. Let's see how much time I have to figure out how to make myself look alive._ Towelling my hair as dry as I could, I walked across the bedroom and I opened my bedroom door just to see Namie about to knock.

Grinning with effort, I stopped where I was in front of her. "And to what do I owe the pleasure?"

She scoffed, crossing her arms and shifting her hips before meeting my eyes. She had yet to comment on my appearance, though her actions told me she knew I was suffering. She shook her head and walked into my room without asking for my permission. "Shiki is early. I told him you might have drowned." She opened up my closet, scanning the articles of clothing before pulling out a soft grey sweater. It was baggy enough that Shiki wouldn't be able to tell I was physically ill. "You look half dead. Cover up and excuse yourself."

I chuckled, eyeing the sweater as it was handed to me. _I can tell him that I caught a little cold. No big deal_. I ruffled my almost dry hair before tossing the towel to some undisclosed corner of my room. "Is he waiting for me?"

She nodded irritably, shoving the fabric into my hands before walking around me. "I have work to do up here, so just yell if you need me." And with that, she turned and stalked off out of my bedroom and disappeared amongst the bookshelves.

I closed my eyes as I exited my room. I softly pulled the door closed behind me with a smile. I was carefully placing all of my available masks in their proper position to fend off the tsunami of emotions that Shiki had surely brought with him. I wasn't looking forward to reflecting on the night of the shooting, and I also wasn't looking forward to finally explaining how Shiki had gotten caught up in my recent plot. For all I knew, he already knew the truth, and that secretly scared me. If I was anyone else, Shiki would have personally killed me for this.

_If I'm not careful, he still might._

Oh what an interesting conversation it was going to be.

* * *

_**Thank you for all of the lovely reviews! I love you guys! As of next chapter, I am officially past where I abruptly left off. xD**_

_**And a direct question from FiresCreek,** I just looked up Paradise Lost, and I have to say that it seems rather interesting. :D I plan on reading it, unless I get swamped in Uni. ***ominously disappears***_


	14. Chapter Fourteen

"So, let's get down to business."

I chuckled as I slowly sat myself down onto one of my couches. Shiki had never been one for beating around the bush once the formalities were out of the way. I threw a leg over a knee and clasped my fingers together in my lap. A small bead of sweat trailed down my temple and I swallowed a little harder then I would have liked. But aside from that, I looked relatively normal. Maybe a little sick, but rather healthy.

I had taken an extra five minutes upstairs to calm my racing heart beat. There was just something about having to talk to Shiki that had set my stomach in my throat. Fear Number Three. A form of confrontation. I had never felt such a need to flee before. It was kind of scary.

It was also a very uncomfortable feeling.

He was wearing that starch white suit he loved, sitting rather comfortably on my couch like we were good friends or something. His face was exactly as I had remembered it, and his dark and lightly greying hair was slicked back in it's usual style. I couldn't help but feel slightly intimidated. He was an executive of the Yakuza, after all, and I technically did betray him. He could honestly behead me right now and get away with it.

"Yes, let's get down to business." I said carefully, calmly. I prayed that my voice wouldn't give away my nerves. _This is the man who tried to kill me. __He actually sent someone to kill me!_ I felt little reassurance in the fact that Namie was armed and on standby upstairs. _I really don't want to do this. __I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to be a part of this anymore__._ It took everything I had to prevent my foot from bouncing. I didn't want to talk about the situation, let alone to the man who _caused_ the situation. I had never felt an ounce of fear over the shooting sine I had woken up. But the feelings Shiki had caused me were making up for that._ I just hope he is not here to finish the job..._

Shiki cleared his throat, pulling me from my mental crisis. I glanced up, noticing how _normal_ he looked. The situation at hand didn't bother him one bit. His face was a little more hardened, and years of working for him told me that he simply did not like what he saw. _Ouch_. "So. Shall I begin, or would you like the chance to redeem yourself?"

"Redeem myself?" Red flags popped up all over my head and I bit my bottom lip. _Does he know everything?_ Regaining my composure, I grinned. "You had me shot." It was a simple statement, and the fact that it did not traumatize me was evident in my voice. I could at least be proud about that.

Shiki chuckled before leaning back in his chair. "Ah, that wasn't actually my order. Kai took the matter into his own hands." He said distantly. "But if I do recall, _you _were the one who caused all this. You spread the rumour that there was a cop amongst my ranks. You lied to me, and told me you would look into it after my group broke up. _You_ told _me_ that the remnants of Yagiri Pharmaceuticals had spread the rumour to try and rouse me or break me, because of some _important artifact _within my possession. I'm assuming that the _important artifact_ was that wax head, which got mixed up in the mail by the way, all by chance."

I felt the blood drain from my face. Shiki wasn't one for telling long stories like this, so I knew he was relatively angered. _My mistake._ So I had guessed right. The wax head was the reason why I had been found out.

How freaking ironic.

"After that, I am assuming that your out of town trip was simply to fuse what was left of Yagiri Pharmaceuticals with a Russian Foreign Trafficking company. You got them to cooperate by leaking false information that I had stolen some Dullahan head. They joined forces due to mutual benefit and challenged me. But guess what?" His eyes never left mine, and I felt myself struggling to hold his gaze. "I didn't have the head, because you screwed up the address and sent it to Kasuka Heiwajima's hotel instead. It's amazing what one wrong number can do. You were playing me. You were playing Yagiri Pharmaceuticals. You were plying foreigners. And you were leaking information to Akira Kai, the man leading half of my men away from me." His glare hardened on me and I subconsciously straightened my body. There was a little growl in my stomach. Something gently clawed at my belly. It didn't like what was going on. If I died, wouldn't it technically die too, because it wouldn't have a host anymore? So did that mean it would save me in a life or death situation? Was I even _in_ a life or death situation!? _No, not now!_ Panic exploded in my chest and I froze unnaturally still.

I didn't say anything. I was wrong. I had known I was wrong and yet I still played my game all the way until it had me killed. And here I was, facing the consequences. _Now how am I supposed to change my life around?_ How does one simply change their life to be better?

How!?

Shiki grinned at my silence and leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees. I was ninety-percent sure that my face was white as a sheet. He spoke slowly. "You needed to pull a lot of strings for this one, _Orihara-san._ There are a lot of people right now who will pay good money to have your head. I didn't intend to have you gunned down, but clearly there are people angry enough to defy even me."

I was silenced once again by that. _There are at least four large groups after me. There are too many main players to avoid... unless I move __cities... no that is just running, I can't run__...?_

"I understand." I said quietly. "But I doubt you made an appointment just to tell me what I already know. What is it that you need?" I doubted Shiki had come all the way here just to boast about how he knew all about my little plot. _How did he even find out?_

"_I have a solution for you."_

I glanced up, not realizing that my gaze had landed on my knees. Where they shaking? His voice didn't sit right with me. And I struggled to meet his gaze. My silence continued, face hopefully unreadable, so he took the moment to speak again.

"You have two options. Either I let you go. Or I can rehire you."

_What!?_ I blinked, not overly sure what I had just heard. _He wants to rehire me!?_

"I can walk out of here with the promise that neither me or the Yakuza will ever aide you or require you again. Or, I can rehire you. If you accept to be rehired – and understand that there will be punishment involved and trust jobs in order to reinstate you fully – you can ease the oppression I know you are suffering from. I am offering you a way out, Orihara." Shiki said carefully. His voice was solid and so was his face. He was dead serious and completely closed off.

And so I considered.

There was just one thing about his idea that was missing. "What do you get out of it?"

"Your services." Shiki said quietly. "You will be doing all of my cheap and free dirty work until I can trust you again. Like a dog at the park on a leash. I'm not letting you off until I know you'll behave. Understand?"

I swallowed again, keeping my eyes level. "And if I decline?"

He snickered, leaning back on the couch. "Then all the gangs can get a piece of you. And I won't control Kai, who happens to be itching for a second chance to kill you. And in the event that something were to happen in the future, I won't hesitate to put out a hit for your head."

_Great._ I closed my eyes as nausea bubbled up in my stomach. I exhaled gently, trying to ease my nerves. The little hellion in my belly wasn't helping any. It wasn't as bad as normal, but still. Couldn't it behave for half an hour? "Alright. I accept." There really wasn't anything else that I could say, right? I didn't really want to go back. The whole point of fixing my life was to get away from all of _this._ _If I can ease everyone off of me, maybe I can take the opportunity to change everything around? Start fresh with no hard feelings?_

I heard Shiki chuckle. "Good. Then I will see you tonight to start the process. Eight sharp?"

I swallowed hard once again. _I don't want to go out at night. But if I don't go..._ Well. I didn't really have a choice. "Okay." I said quietly, lowering my head but not my eyes in defeat.

"Good." Shiki breathed as he stood up from my couch. "Keep this up, and you'll be back on my good side in no time. I almost like this side of you, Orihara. Nice and _submissive._"

I shuddered, forcing myself to stand up. My stomach flipped and I couldn't help but shove my trembling hands into my pockets. "Don't get used to it." I tried to flash my best smile but I knew it was weak. My eyes couldn't even meet his. "Is this all you came here for?"

"Yes, I have some other business to attend to in Shinjuku. I will be going now." He said as we walked towards my door. "Nice to see you alive and breathing, Orihara. Pleasure doing business."

"Thank you." I said simply, opening the door for the man as he shuffled into his jacket. He paused before going out, one of his lackeys peering at me from the hallway with a glare. I was almost certain that _everyone_ knew about my huge failure.

Great.

"Just as a word of caution," he said, leaning in with an obvious grin, "I really hope Miss Yagiri didn't hear any of that. She'll be really mad." He waved just as a dead weight hit my stomach. The shock didn't touch my face, but Shiki had always been a little more insightful then everyone else. He laughed as he turned to leave. _I completely forgot about Namie! _"We'll be in touch."

And with that, he was gone.

I closed the door gently behind him, locking the handle and the deadbolt after watching Shiki and his lackey disappear into the elevator. I rested my forehead against the door. I exhaled deeply, still feeling shaky and on guard. _Well. That was exciting...?_

"Izaya."

Yes. I had completely forgotten about Namie. I hadn't mentioned the fact that I used her disbanded company to play in my game.

Whoops.

I turned around with my best smiled plastered on my face. I really hoped she couldn't see the sweat forming on my forehead. Was that really something to get mad over? It wasn't like I had gone behind her back, convinced her disbanded company that she had befriended a Russian Human Trafficking organization, and that they could possibly reinstate themselves and get back into business, or anything like that. Or. Something like that. _How bad can it be? She is normally really stoic so I'm sure she won't be bothered._"Yes, Namie dear?"

_Slap!_

Pain struck my face, and I brought a hand up to press at the reddened skin. "Ouch!" I turned to glare at her just to flinch away from her raised hand again. "Don't!"

"I really shouldn't be surprised, but I thought you had more decency than to lie to me!" She all but yelled. She took a step closer to me and my stomach churned in immediate distress as I stepped back with my hands raised. "So you had me make that wax head, just to play my company? Tell them that it was the real deal, and send them into a war with the Yakuza!? After we were taken over by Nebula anyway!? How could you? They're nothing but an underground organization now! You could have gotten us all into serious trouble!"

Well. She was a little more mad than I had thought. I guess her loyalties to her team ran deep. I raised my hands higher in defence, trying to wave the situation off. I stood my ground though, trying to keep whatever dignity I had left. "Namie, Namie, it was just all part of the game-"

_Slap!_

Okay. This was a bit much. I glared as she raised her hand again.

"Don't you dare." I growled, one hand pressed to my cheek. Something rumbled through me and I felt my hidden temper flare. "Don't hit me!"

She froze, suddenly unsure. She swallowed thickly before lowering her clenched fists and exhaling deeply. _Weird. She looks scared. _She seemed to come to a conclusion before storming off to her workspace without glancing back at me. "I am almost done the paper work you gave me this morning." She said almost in exasperation like she did not just slap me twice. "Is there anything else you need me to do?"

I turned away, stalking to my desk and my favourite rolling chair. "No, that's all for today. I have a dinner to attend to so you can leave at three-thirty." I said softly, falling into and then spinning in my chair. I felt slightly guilty for yelling at her.

_You shouldn't feel guilty. _A little voice inside of my head whispered. The same one that had told me to kick Shinra out of my apartment in the first place. _You should enjoy it. And yell at her more. Hit her maybe._

I stopped spinning. My mouth went dry.

No. Those weren't my thoughts. I was completely against even touching women, let alone hitting them. It was a solid rule. _Why did I think that? It's wrong!_ There was another scratch in my belly, more painful and ripping then before and I keeled over, hugging my torso. The creature was mad? Mad that I was disagreeing with it? _I need to talk to Shinra. This thing might kill me._ I took in a shaky breath and stood up, suddenly not sure if I was going to be okay. There was more clawing, and before I could plot out anything, I fell, taking a pile of papers down with me.

"_Haah... ah..._"

I gasped just as my face hit the floor when I landed on my knees. I was breathing hard and my vision had gone completely white. My heart beat pounded in my ears. I had been in serious pain all week, but this was taking the cake. It literally felt like the creature was chewing it's way up to my chest. _What's going on?_

_Why do you fight me?_

_It's talking to me!? _"Be...cause..." _You're wrong!_ "Ah!"I gasped and curled further in to myself. The pain! It was searing hot like claws slicing me from inside out. And my hips... it was grabbing onto my hips and pulling, the sensation making me sick. I gagged or threw up from the pain, my body suddenly shaking and convulsing as I writhed in agony. I couldn't tell if the hand on my back was real or not, but I swatted at it anyway as I collapsed onto my side.

_Leave me alone._ I plunged into darkness.

I woke up groggily, rubbing my face with both of my hands. I could feel that I was tucked in to a bed with a thin blanket wrapped around me. It was light, but I couldn't tell if it was sunlight that I was seeing or artificial lamps. I felt... _terrible._ My stomach was growling from lack of food. My growing and now talking demon was snarling from lack of attention in my belly. It cringed as it scratched me, snapping me out of my tired haze. My head was throbbing. My skin hurt. My face hurt. My everything hurt. _When did I __even__ go to bed?_ I sighed, sitting up even though moving was uncomfortable.

"You know, when I said come over, I didn't mean collapse and have a seizure to get here."

I chuckled weakly, hearing Shinra shuffle right beside me. I dropped my hands from my face to glance at him with a small, sad grin. "What happened?"

Shinra chuckled at this, leaning back in his chair. I was in that cot again, the one I had woken up in after the shooting. Once again, Shinra was sitting beside me and the first person I saw. "Oh, something about an important meeting, and then you collapsed after. Namie called me. Said you seemed stressed and angry. And something else happened too. You should really keep your nerves in check. It's not like you to be so stressed." He waved his finger at me in the manner he normally did when I was misbehaving. He seemed calm though, like we hadn't been ignoring each other for the past week.

I nodded in agreement. "Am I okay?" I asked as I threw my legs over the side of the bed and sat up.

"You're as okay as you'll be getting for now." Shinra said with a hint of disappointment. He then pointed at an empty syringe, sitting on the beside table. "You're on an unsafe dose of painkillers right now. How do you feel?"

I glanced down to my toes, not really wanting to tell him that I was still in pain. His words also didn't sit right with me, though I couldn't figure out why. Well. I might as well get it over with. I had intended to come here with a purpose, after all. "Shinra. I'm sorry." I said quietly. I clasped my fingers together, my nerves getting the better of my. My heart began to pound in my chest, and it felt like I was suffocating. _Why am I so jittery when I talk to people now?_ He shifted his weight and crossed his arms over his chest, and I took the opportunity to continue on. "For yelling and all the secrets. I'll tell you everything soon. I promise." I bowed, trying to get across the point that I wasn't joking, and that maybe I couldn't say everything he wanted to hear.

"Thank you." Shinra said quietly as I righted myself. There was a small, gleeful shine in his eyes, and he flashed me a huge grin, slapping me on the back. I almost threw up. "You've been out for almost an hour now, come, let's go eat. Celty should be almost done cooking by now. It's almost six."

I grinned, following him into the living room. Celty was cooking – I was a little suspicious about her cooking still – and Shinra led me into the living room, where sitting on the couch was no one other then Shizuo Heiwajima. He looked uncomfortable as he sat there in his usual spot. He was wearing he regular black slacks, but his vest was missing and his white collared shirt had been replaced with a cotton blue sweater. I paused, staring. It was so weird to see him in normal clothes.

But worst of all, I hadn't seen him since he took me home a week ago. And something very _unsettling_ fluttered between my hips.

He returned my gaze with a glare.

"He won't bite, now sit down." Shinra ordered in an absolute tone, and I did as he said. I sat down on the couch, the _opposite_ end from Shizuo, might I add, with my arms crossed and a huff coming from my chest. I could already feel the panic rising in my chest. There would be questions, but I hadn't been prepared for Shizuo's presence.

"What is this about?" I asked quietly. There was an awkward tension in the air, and I heard Celty fiddle with something unnecessary. Like she was stalling to give Shinra some more time. Something was up, and it did not sit well with me.

Shizuo sighed harshly. Shinra seemed to shift on his feet before glancing to me. "Now. I don't want to upset you..."

Those words instantly put me on edge. _This is bad! This is so bad!_

"But..." Shinra hesitated before taking a seat on his coffee table just before me, eyeing me sternly, "we are all kind of caught up in this, and let's just say, you're not the only one who was _affected..."_

I blinked, tilting my head away. Unsure. "Affected by what?"

Shinra leaned back, sighing once again. He remained silent, and I couldn't help but feel my insides churn. "Izaya. We need to talk about what happened when you died."

I would have left the room, had Shizuo not been there. Everything inside of me tensed, and I was left momentarily breathless. This was the worst question he could have asked. I hadn't been ready for this. I hadn't prepared. Fear Number Three? Confrontation and talking about my little demonic parasite. And it was almost ready to hit a terrifying level. A level where I would make rash and ridiculous decisions in the heat of the moment just to avoid talking to my favourite humans. I was starting to become intolerable to people asking personal questions, and I couldn't even bring myself to speak of the little hellion. But the fear, just as promised, wasn't the demon – the gift – itself. It was what other people who say or think about it, and then consequently say and think about me.

And let's just say, running sounded like the best option, especially as my breathing began to labour. But at the same time, the fear wasn't great enough for me to abandon my pride.

If I had to spill the beans, now would be my last chance.

"Specifically about what happened after you died."

I was frozen, because I didn't know what to say. Whether it was the excessive pain killers that had killed my thought process or not, I just couldn't speak. Shinra was staring at me with that look, like he was trying to read my every thought. Shizuo wasn't staring at me anymore, thankfully, but he was still too close for comfort.

I didn't want to tell.

I didn't want to admit it.

I didn't want to deal with it.

So I remained stubbornly silent.

Shinra broke the quiet atmosphere after a couple of minutes. He cleared his throat. He was just going to jump right in and say what he needed to say. I braced myself for his words. He started off quieter than I would have thought, "So Celty dragged you back from the after life. Now rest assured, she wouldn't even tell _me_ about what happened," and he sounded a little jealous, "but she knows, Izaya. She knows what happened. I don't think you understand what occurred when you were shot. Celty went into a kind of trance and used her shadows, because they can become a part of death on a spiritual level, and was able to grab your soul as you transcended to the afterlife. You were dead for maybe a minute, at most. But a minute dead can feel like eternity to a soul."

Shinra nodded, closing his eyes as the blood rushed from my face again. My heart pounded painfully against my chest. _Celty knows!? Celty knows what!? Did she see!? Did she see everything that happened to me!?_ I remained stubbornly rigid even though I felt sick again. I felt like crying again. I felt like screaming and dropping to my knees and pleading for Shinra to help me.

But of course, I would never do that.

"And Shizuo was there, chasing everyone away. And when Celty pulled your soul back to your body, she returned to her normal self." And then Shinra paused, probably not for dramatic effect, "And she collapsed."

I was silent. Shizuo didn't even move where he sat. I swallowed thickly. The tension in the air was suffocating.

Shinra sighed, leaning back. "I thought she had just exerted too much energy, right? But I was more worried about you at the time, because you were practically dying right before my eyes, and Shizuo literally threw both of you over his shoulders and ran here like a crazy lunatic. He broke down my door." Shinra allowed a light smile to grace his face. "And I told you what happened. I treated you. You were out for a week, and then you woke up." Shinra nodded with his eyes closed, seeing how no one else was participating in the conversation. I felt so distant, that it almost felt like he was talking to himself.

"Celty was out cold for two days." Shinra's eyes slowly opened, "when she woke up, she went into a hysterical panic. Shaking in fear. She told me there was fatal danger nearby. Something bad, terrifyingly strong and other worldly. First thing she did was check on you, with her shadows and everything. And then. She went and checked every room in the house. She even went as far as to build a shadow barrier around us. Shizuo had to call me just to get in one day!" Shinra was shaking his head while I remained passively frozen. "She was acting crazy and paranoid and terrified for two more days straight, and then she slept again. All day. All night. And well into the afternoon. And then she woke up calm as ever. She wouldn't tell me why, but that she realized something. She apologized, took down the barrier and everything, and stayed in your room, refusing to leave, until you were apparently going to wake up. She admitted to being scared. Whatever happened to you, she had witnessed, and it terrified her, Izaya. And I know Celty can be a little bit sensitive, but I have never seen her like that. There aren't even words to describe it. Her terror was so strong, that even Shizuo felt it. We all felt it. We didn't sleep, Izaya. We couldn't. And then she came and got me, and sure enough, an hour later, Namie was dragging me into your room because you were finally awake."

It was weird, hearing about what had happened during the week that I had been practically in a coma. It left me feeling unsettled. But at least the intensity of the story had the demon calm. Maybe it was listening. For some reason, it wasn't moving around like it normally was, and I was more than tempted to place a hand over it.

But then again, it was probably the cause of Celty's panic.

I could feel Shinra's words, though. All of my emotions were there, right on the edge of my mask. My eyes were impassively half lidded and all of my feelings were suddenly locked up with the key thrown away. A movement caught my eye, and I every so slowly shifted my gaze to the left like the motion alone would break the strings holding me in place.

Celty was standing beside Shinra stiffly. I swallowed hard, unable to think properly. What was I supposed to do? What was I supposed to say? I probably looked sick. I felt sick. Very much so.

I kept my gaze level, not meeting anyone's eyes, silently wondering if this was the part where I was supposed to clear up all of the confusion. But I wouldn't. And Shinra knew that.

He sighed, shaking his head. "This is why I wanted you to tell me. You are not a Celtic death faerie, Izaya. If Celty was terrified by the after life, then I can only imagine how you feel about it."

Still, I remained quiet. My gaze dropped down to the carpet I had thrown up on oh so long ago.

And then Shizuo shifted, causing me to jump so bad that I almost stained the floor once again.

"You need to say something." Shizuo said to me rather quietly. His eyes weren't meeting mine, but the seriousness behind it was enough to have my stomach clench. "Celty won't talk about it unless you tell us what happened."

Shinra nodded in confirmation, wrapping an arm around Celty's hip and pulling her down to sit on his lap. "I want to help you. You need to understand that I _have to_ help Celty. But I can't do that if you don't tell me what happened. I don't want you to feel like I'm doing this just for Celty, though. If you need to talk to her alone, you can do that. She didn't want to say anything because she thought that even you would reach out for help."

And it was then that a little clawing sensation occurred in my stomach. _Just leave__, Orihara._ I didn't move, didn't speak. What was I supposed to do right now? The possibilities were endless, and I really couldn't make up my mind for some stupid reason. And on top of that, this little _thing_ was talking to me again. Normally, nothing good happened when I listened to it.

"Izaya, we can help -"

I made my decision. "No." I stood up, keeping my gaze to the floor as I ignored the three people in the room with me. They couldn't understand, they _wouldn't _understand, what I was going through. I couldn't even tell if I was crazy. They were almost guaranteed to assume I was insane. I averted my eyes, contemplating what I should say and how I should say it.

Shinra spluttered before eyeing me with a harsh gaze. "Izaya..."

"I have a meeting to attend to. If I feel like talking, I will come back." I said rather harshly. What happened to winning Shinra back over? What happened to telling him everything, and helping myself?

Why couldn't I just push my pride out of the way and do what needed to be done in order to survived?

* * *

_**Updates should be weekly from here on out.**_


	15. Chapter Fifteen

_**A/N:** -whispers- I'm so sorry guys, that this took three whole weeks. (Three weeks? Three weeks.) University is a bit more demanding than I had expected. ^_^ But alas, enjoy the new update!_

* * *

Perhaps this hadn't been my best option.

The room was obviously not that of a business man, with multiple leather couches seated around a glass coffee table and the entire space was devoid of anything personal that would normally assist in creating a comfortable atmosphere. The windows were small with curtains drawn tightly closed and the air was thick from cigarette smoke. The lack of circulation also impacted the cloudiness and I could feel it clogging up my lungs where I sat. It had that dangerous feel too it, thick and ominous like clouds of despair - I momentarily imagined myself suffocating, and that thought alone sent a chill down my spine.

I was seated at the edge of a couch with one leg thrown over the other. I was sitting rather rigidly - this was a Yakuza base after all - and my stomach was churning irritably. Perhaps my emotions had set off the demon, for it was growling lowly within the depths of my belly. I just prayed that there wouldn't be any _discrepancies_ during the meeting.

_Behave yourself, will you._ My poker face was well intact despite the internal argument.

It had been going on for half an hour already. Akabayashi had kindly taken my jacket once I arrived, whether for his own safety against my blades or Shiki's, and then he had set out to retrieve the boss for our meeting. I had a small, little theory though, that they were making me wait just to unnerve me. And on top of that, apparently a few of their light bulbs were burnt out, so only the entrance to the room was lit, leaving me in taunting shadows half way in.

_Then stop cursing and agitating me._

My mouth ever so slightly pulled into a tighter line, eyes trained on the walls as shadows danced and played. The little bastard had a point.

_See, like that. Little bastard? Calling me names like that makes me mad. And when I get mad, I do stuff like this._ A sharp bite had me cringing and clutching at my abdomen. I inhaled slowly to keep my mask at bay, exhaling even slower to try and prevent the tears from falling out of the corners of my eyes. The pain ebbed away softly, only partially from my gentle rubbing, like the creature was licking the wound. _Stop cursing me. You are the cursed one here._

I refrained from rolling my eyes.

Ever since I had walked out of Shinra's apartment, the burden within my belly had suddenly decided to get chatty. Annoyingly so. I had hailed a cab almost immediately for the idea of getting caught in the darkness was enough to make me rush. The creature had started to make fun of the fact that I was scared, and since then, it hadn't stopped. I wasn't sure why it suddenly felt the need to speak, but it was. And _no,_ it wouldn't _shut up._

_Just think, soon, I'll be the only thing keeping you company. At the rate you're going, you won't have any friends by the end of the week._

Eyes narrowed, I watched cautiously as a particularly large shadow morphed on the wall. A mouth like space suddenly opened from it, and it seemed to be mouthing words in my general direction. It was making large, foreign gestures with its shadow-like appendages. The lights were just bright enough to keep them all at bay; at this level, I knew they could talk to me if they wanted to.

I blinked, silently confused.

They were all silent. For once, their lack of taunting was unnerving.

I closed my eyes momentarily and sighed as I tried to relax. There was no point in dwelling over anything; things would happen the way they had to.

And just then, the door opened.

I had never felt so relieved and terrified at the same time before. This had honestly been a pretty bad idea – Shiki was known for harming misbehaving subordinates, after all. I turned to glance over my shoulder, watching as the head man walked into the room with a gentle smile on his face. His eyes looked resigned.

Sighing, he made his way over to the desk, leaning against the edge of it in a casual manner, before he waved me over.

"Orihara, let's make this quick."

Heart pounding, I stood up rather stiffly. I pressed my palms against the sides of my jeans and breathed in softly through my nose, forcing myself to relax. I had to keep up appearances, no? Exhaling just as silently, I grinned. It required more effort than I'd like to admit.

Acting naturally, I crossed the room and sat down in the only chair just before the desk. It was a swivel chair, and the familiar comfort of it did immediate wonders to my confidence. Lounging back, I let it rock side to side while I clasped my fingers together over my stomach. The little creature flipped, forcing me to slow my comfortable swaying. Perhaps it was nervous? Grinning, I met Shiki's gaze evenly. Despite what had happened, I still had to be sure and confident in my approach. "I agree. Let's make this quick."

I waited several moments for Shiki to answer, before my smile faltered. The man exchanged a glance with Akabayashi, who had paused at the door behind me. I suddenly became very aware of the fact that I couldn't see him. _When did they join forces, anyway?_

Shiki's eyes were suddenly locked on me, watching the way I moved and clearly revelling in the fact that the silence was beginning to unnerve me.

I swallowed thickly before offering him another small smile. Sitting carefully, I made sure to keep my mind focused. No wandering. This wasn't the time for that. My fingers knit together as the demon rolled too quickly, sending a wave of nausea up my body. It was getting rather large, and I could feel it's body grate against my ribcage with the movement. It took everything I had not to scowl. It felt hard, thick skinned with awkward protrusions that rubbed painfully against my delicate insides every now and again. Perhaps it had a tail? There was only one position in which it could sit comfortably, but of course, it knew this and would never allow me that peace.

I struggled to hide the shudder as it shifted again.

"So," I almost flinched when Shiki began to speak. His voice broke the deafening silence more painfully than I had expected. My stomach dropped, and I could only wonder what I had gotten myself into. "Where should we start, Informant-san?"

"Wherever you need to start." I said. I swivelled in the chair, feeling a little exposed by the fact that I didn't have my jacket. My stomach was noticeably round, bones notably visible. It was a weird combination, but obvious that there was something wrong. I probably looked more sick than I had earlier when Shiki had set up this little meeting in my office. The sweater I was now wearing could only hide so much, and that fact left me uncomfortable.

I felt Shiki's eyes trail over me quickly, before he met my gaze sharply. He didn't shift from the desk. His face also didn't give away anything that he was thinking, but he leaned forward just a little bit closer, letting me know that he at least meant business. "Let's start with an apology."

I probably paled because Shiki suddenly chuckled. "You have a lot to apologize for, Orihara. You understand that, right? "

"Yes." My voice came out strong despite the thoughts running through my head. He wouldn't make me do anything... unprofessional? Right?

"So. I will leave you up to your own devices, then." Shiki seemed secretly pleased to with the way my mouth turned down at that. He leaned back, struggling to keep the smile from his face. Apologizing wasn't my thing. It went against a lot of my beliefs, as well as ridiculed my pride. And on top of that, he had left the apology up to me. No 'say you're sorry' or 'give me special treatment', no, just 'apologize'.

My throat suddenly went dry and the demon stopped moving. Waiting. Anticipating. I licked my rapidly drying lips, lowering my gaze for a fraction of a second.

I had to play this right, and I had an idea on how to do exactly that.

I tilted my head aside, giving Shiki a sideways glanced from underneath my lashes. I made sure to keep my gaze just below his. I kept my voice even, "I... I am apologizing for the chaos I have unreasonably dragged you into, and I honestly plan to take responsibility as well as suffer the consequences."

As soon as the words left my mouth, I knew they didn't sound sincere. _I doubt Shiki will let me off with just that._

There was a chuckle from behind me as well as from Shiki. He shifted with his eyes narrowing, arms crossing over his chest. "Alright, and now say it like you actually mean it."

My gaze hardened and I grit my teeth. _Do I really have to say those two words?_ I refrained from shifting underneath his gaze, opting to advert my eyes instead. I had to respect authority after all; my life was possibly in danger. I swallowed the lump in my throat and the demon flipped, its body shaking. Laughing. It was laughing at me.

Borderline frowning, I kept my eyes trained on a piece of lint that adorned the dark carpet. _What do I say, what do I say?_ Was I supposed to honestly apologize? Did he expect that from me? Was I even _capable_ of it? _I'm Izaya Orihara. I'm capable over everything._ And a somersault from the demon reminded me why I was there. What I was trying to accomplish. Who I didn't want to be anymore and where I didn't want to end up.

Change was necessary. No one said it would be easy.

It took me several painful seconds before I could properly form speakable words through the choking lump in my throat.

I glanced up, shyly trying to meet his eyes. "Shiki, I'm... I'm sorry." With a defeated glance, I let my gaze drop. He had mentioned earlier that he liked my submissive gestures. I hadn't intend to play him like that, but as usual, these things just sort of _happened_. Perhaps seeing this would result in a lesser punishment – a punishment I knew would be as brutal as my actions.

Because Shiki wasn't done. There was no way he'd let me walk away without a broken nose at least.

There was another chuckle, and then Shiki was standing up from the desk. I almost flinched. He smoothed out several creases from his white suit before glancing to me. "Orihara, stand up." His eyes were hard, and I hesitantly did as he said.

The weight inside of me wanted to hold me down, and I couldn't help but struggle to my feet. I kept my eyes lowered as I stood up a little more rigidly then I would have like. I tried to keep my difficulties from my face as I shifted awkwardly from foot to foot. Standing as straight asI could, I took a discrete inhale. I glanced to Shiki as he moved closer to me. Flinching, I involuntarily took a step back.

His face became stoic as he grabbed the chair from behind me, moving around me in a casual manner. "You should relax. I simply have a few questions for you. "

The chair was wheeled across the room. I brushed my sweating hands against the sides of my jeans, watching. "Ask away." I said carefully. He grinned before returning to the desk.

"Izaya Orihara, do you wish to be reinstated as an informant of the Awakusu-Kai, to rectify your wrongs?" He took his seat back against the desk, leaning into it casually like we were discussing the weather.

Opting for simple answers, I nodded. "Yes."

He smiled, linking his fingers together. "And under these special conditions, are you willing to do and say everything that I ask, efficiently and honestly, within a professional manner until your debt has been paid?"

"Yes." I let my body relax. I could feel the pressure as it tried to weigh me down. There was no way it would be this easy. I had messed with the _Yakuza._ The _Awakusu-Kai._ I started to question my decision. Was I really insane? Did I even think this through properly before agreeing to come? _Is this really what I wanted?_

He smiled, but it seemed almost sad. "Orihara. You will be reinstated as my personal informant. You will do as I say, with no questions asked or dirty business. Do you understand?"

I nodded. The room suddenly became tense and the flipping had once again ceased. I placed a protective hand over my lower belly. It all felt a little off. I felt a current of panic run down my core, and a cold sweat broke across my forehead.

"We will talk about the details after you can prove your loyalty." He looked away briefly, sighing. "You've seen how this works. I trust you will follow the rules – rules I know you are already aware of. Akabayashi."

"My pleasure."

I turned, suddenly confused. I had a hunch that Shiki wasn't talking about the rules to our agreement. My brain was dancing around the obvious fact that I had pretended wouldn't apply to me. Suddenly on guard, I took a small step away from Akabayashi as he briskly approached me. My mouth was dry, muscles rigid. _Shiki wouldn't do this to me, would he?_

The red demon sighed, slapping a large hand down on my shoulder rather forcefully. I tensed as my heart rate picked up, obviously on edge. He was both taller and wider than me, and no doubt stronger. "It's a shame it had to come to this." He said rather unconvincingly. There was a light in his eyes that were glowing dangerously. I swallowed hard, refusing to move. "Don't fight back now."

I had half the thought to duck, but his fist collided with my nose before I could properly execute any response. I twisted violently and fell, smashing my face off of the carpet when my hands refused to support me. Pain shot up my left arm, and I momentarily wondered if I had sprained it along the way.

Coughing, I pushed myself up with a glare.

I stood up shakily with a hand pressed to my now bleeding lip. I shot Shiki a dark look before turning back to Akabayashi. He was smiling, but offered me an apologetic shrug. So this was how it had to be done. I knew the rules. _Don't fight back. Don't run. Don't dodge. Just take it until Shiki knows he can trust me again._ "Don't fight." He said again – not that he really had to tell me twice – hand swinging out and connecting with my shoulder, knocking me back a few steps.

I grunted, breathing laboured as I braced myself for another hit. There was a cramp in my abdomen and I pressed a hand to it. "So you're going to beat me?" My voice broke into a higher octave as I gasped for air. Panic or pain, call it whichever.

Akabayashi shrugged, grabbing me by the front of the shirt and dragging me closer. "You look surprised. If anything, you should have expected this."

I couldn't stop the onslaught of panic that coursed through me as he pulled me closer to his face.

_Hands digging painfully into my skin._

He struck me in the face again, letting me fall to the ground. A kick harshly found my side and I gasped, the little hellion jumping from shock and anger. The creature snapped back, biting me so hard that the whole world turned white. Tears broke out from the corners of my eyes and the intensity had kept me silently screaming. The shoe raised again and swung towards my stomach, and before I really knew that I was moving, my right hand was suddenly slashing imperfectly at the leg.

Cool metal burned my hands as Akabayashi's pant leg tore, and he stopped his assault with a low curse. He took a step back, and it was then that I noticed the red line adorning his now exposed flesh. Choking, I dropped my flick blade, silently praying to the God I don't believe in, realizing my mistake. I dropped the flick blade from my hand, sitting up and bringing my knees to my chest._ I am probably going to die._

It was then that another pair of shoes stopped in front of me.

"You're on the ground lately an awful lot, Orihara." The comment was meant to belittle me, and it did just that. I curled into myself, mentally scolding the hellion to stay still as it grated against my insides. _Stop moving. You're hurting me! _Akabayashi stepped aside, Shiki taking his place. I glanced up, squinting through the pain at the man looming over me. He stared longer then necessary, before kneeling down and grabbing the front of my shirt. "You seem worse off than normal." He commented, pulling me up closer to his face. His eyes wandered, coming to conclusions about my current state. The air seemed to be trapped in my lungs for I was choking, well on my way to hyperventilating.

Shiki pulled me up, my back straight as a board, and staring at me curiously. His eyes traced over my features before venturing down my body. He eyed my hands suspiciously as they clutched my stomach protectively, one puffing out and turning an ugly shade of purplish red. He hesitated then, and I couldn't quite guess what he wanted to do. He let go of my shirt before reaching one of his hands in between my closed legs and chest to my midsection, gently wrapping long fingers around my wrists. His hands were a little to close to my lower body for my liking.

"Don't. Touch me." I slapped his hand away with my uninjured wrist. He eyed me carefully before withdrawing his hands. He eyed my stomach contemplatively, like he was trying to decide if it was a trick or not.

"If you have been previously injured, you should have mentioned it." Shiki scolded me. "It doesn't matter now, though. I won't have your death stain my hands just because your pride kept you from admitting your weaknesses. So I'll have to take a different approach."

_So he's not going to beat me? _I scoffed, just as he smacked me across the face again an open hand. I practically whimpered as I looked down at the puddle of blood forming on the floor. It was drooling from my mouth and my nose. I brought a hand up to my lips, gently touching the blood with disgust.

This was almost worse than when Shizuo had beat me.

_Don't let him hit you again._

I glanced to my stomach in shock just as Shiki stood up, grabbing me by the front of my shirt and hauling me to my feet.

I stumbled into an upright position, my toes just touching the ground as Shiki held me up. He suddenly looked angry. "You should know better, Orihara," He suddenly pushed me into the direction he wanted to go before he slammed me onto my back and into the desk, towering over me. Gasping, I struggled beneath him as he grabbed onto my wrists. I hissed, my left one was most definitely sprained. "Betraying the Yakuza? Slashing Akabayashi? You're lucky I don't put a bullet through your skull."

I could feel that terror rising, the same terror that I had felt in Russia Sushi when Shizuo had cornered me in the bathroom. Squirming, I internally pleaded for him to let me go. My heart threatened to give out as Shiki pushed his body onto mine. He squeezed my wrists painfully before pinning them beside my hips, where he happened to be leaning most of his weight. I leaned my head back and tilted my chin up, keep my face far away from his.

"Do I need to remind you of your position here?" He growled. I had never seen him so angry. He was normally calm and quiet about his irritations, but this was something new. He had only physically struck me once before, and that had been to remind me of my place as his subordinate when I had first started. Because I was running my mouth. Details aside.

I shook my head at his question , and to my dismay I was starting to shake.

"Cat got your tongue? You're not easy to trust Orihara, especially after what just happened. " He was testing me while exerting his authority over me. I knew this, I knew that I wasn't supposed to retaliate. But of course, I wasn't the well behaved adult I was supposed to be. I shuddered, ripping my uninjured wrist from his grasps. My stomach was rolling in a painful way, and I once again willed the creature to stop its shifting. It only growled in response. _I said _don't_ let him hit you._

Scowling, I threw my half formed fist into Shiki's face – against my better judgement. If I wasn't dead earlier, I sure would be now._ If only he would just get off of me..._

_You look better this way, Orihara._

I almost cried out. Shiki grunted, grabbing at my hand before I could strike him again. Akabayashi was moving suddenly, but I didn't pay it any mind. I was choking on my own breath, squirming underneath as an unreasonable emotion welled up inside of me. I couldn't help but shudder. _Someone on top of me, holding me down. _In my mistreated brain, and the after effects of Hell still present within me, this idea could only lead to one scenario. _He wouldn't do something like that! _The proximity had me shaking as I struggled. I couldn't just stop myself, couldn't rationalize that everything would be okay, and that was the part I hated the most. Because I knew I was wrong. _Calm down, this is Shiki- shit!_

The lights suddenly went out.

Gasping as the black enveloped me, I froze. Shiki pulled away for a moment and I half consciously grabbed onto his wrist.

The spirits were eager for their opportunity. Within milliseconds, shadowy tendrils were curling around my body. Slimy and wriggling, they passed over my skin with just enough pressure to tell me they were there. The ones at the edge of my clothing slipped under, running along my skin in an unsettling manner. They started at the edge, before slowly trickling up the sides of my hips. I squeaked, trying not to arch away from their touch and awkwardly into the man above me. They were whispering their usual threats, quietly and casually, condemning me to their torments.

"Akabayashi." Shiki sounded appalled. I heard Akabayashi snicker, like his tactic to subdue me had clearly worked.

"Shiki," the man flinched in my grasps, eyes shifting over to me. "Shiki... I'm sorry..." My voice came out as a choked whisper as snake like appendages crawled down the front of my shirt. Mys arms and body had been pinned, held fast by the shadowy creatures as they whispered their demoralizing threats. They would hurt me, and I know they could. Their words were getting more torturous and creative as they went, more terrifying and mutilating. The appendages were cold against my raising skin as they ran over my chest, forcing my muscles to clench in their wake. Down the center and over the breast with the bullet wound, I almost broke out crying. "I'm so sorry..."

The main light flickered back on. The shadows instantly dispersed back to the walls. I was shaking in Shiki's grip, my hand still unconsciously wrapped around his wrist. The pricked tears from earlier were travelling down my cheeks. I released the breath I had been holding as Shiki leaned back from me. He seemed mildly amused by my breakdown – simply assuming the had had been the one to scare me into submission – but there was an underlying tinge of concern.

He seemed to contemplate my condition as I turned my face away, silently cursing myself. The demon in my belly was laughing, _so hard._ It was shaking and quivering, and I was slightly worried that it might break something, like a rib, and that maybe it's movement was visible. He let me go while taking a step back, pulling me into a sitting position as he moved. "Get up. Is there something else that Akira Kai did, that I should be aware about?" He sounded mad again, but the anger wasn't directed at me.

I blinked, only then realizing what I had made the situation look like. I looked away. Mistake number one. "No."

He took a step closer and I flinched so bad that I slipped from the desk. I landed awkwardly on my feet with my hands raised in surrender as I struggled to remain upright. "Shiki- I-"

"Don't worry about it." The Yakuza leader took a few steps back from me, crossing his arms. He eyed me skeptically, but seemed to give up the idea of pushing me for answers. For now, at least. "Judging from that look, I'm going to say you've learned your lesson."

I nodded, straightening myself and adjusting my clothes. The tears were practically dried on my face. I knew Shiki was confused, but I didn't really want to tell him what _that_ was all about.

Giving me a minute to regain myself, he patiently tapped his foot against the carpet. "We'll skip this for now, and you need to stop with the lying." I averted my gaze, trying to mentally explain what it was that I was feeling.

"Now. I have a job to discuss with you."


End file.
